Time after time

Quotes from this week's episode:



Meredith: [narrating] A patient's history is as important as their symptoms. It's what helps us decide if heart burn's a heart attack... if a headache's a tumor. Sometimes patients will try to re-write their own histories. They'll claim they don't smoke, or forget to mention certain drugs... which in surgery can be the kiss of death. We can ignore it all we want, but our history eventually always comes back to haunt us.

Woman: Nice sweater.
Richard: Yeah...my wife...
Woman: What?
Richard: My wife, she gave it to me...the sweater. Actually, it's my ex-wife. It's amicable.
Woman: I'm sorry?
Richard: The divorce, it's amicable. Very friendly. I'm a friendly guy.
(The woman and another passenger get out leaving Mark and Richard alone)
Mark: I'm a friendly guy?
Richard: Sloan!
Mark: She pressed five and got off at three. She'd rather walk up two flights of stairs then flirt with you. Hell, she'd rather climb up the outside of the building.
Richard: I wasn't flirting.
Mark: You're telling me. There's no need to be embarrassed. It's time for you to shake off the rust and get back in the game. You need a wing man.
Richard: I have patients to see.
(He gets out of the elevator)
Mark: We'd make a great team.

Meredith: So, it's weird, right? That Susan keeps stopping by like this? I mean, we just became friends or semi-related or whatever you call your estranged father's wife.
Alex: You may be confused since you were basically raised by wolves but this is what mother's do. They stop by, they stock the fridge. Dude, you think she might do our laundry?
Meredith: Hey! Get your own fake mom.

Burke: What was that?
Cristina: That was my smug, passive-aggressive whiny ex-boyfriend trying to show me I picked the wrong guy.
Burke: Oh, I know. I'm fine with it as long as I'm learning something. I was actually talking about you. What was that?
Cristina: You're gonna have to put up with me being nice and sweet for a little while.
Burke: That'll be a nice change of pace.
Cristina: Shut up.
Burke: That's more like it.

Derek: Hey.
Meredith: Hey.
Derek: You ok?
Meredith: Horrible...I'm in a horrible mood. I yelled at Susan. I think I scared off my fake mommy forever.
Derek: Hmm...need cheering up?
Meredith: No.
Derek: Me either. It's gonna be ok.

Izzie: Wow. That's a big needle.
Doctor: It's standard. You should start to feel numb about ten minutes after I inject the lidocaine, ok?
Izzie: Yeah, I know. I've given epidurals before. I know that's the needle. It's just that somehow it seems so much bigger now that it's going into my spine.
Doctor: Little stick.
Izzie: Oh, god.

Richard: Sloan, you brought me to a bar. You know I don't drink.
Mark: Which is perfect. Better to keep you mind sharp. Let the ladies do the drinking.
Richard: You think if you get me laid, I might make you chief.

Meredith: [narrating] Some people believe that without history, our lives amount to nothing. At some point we all have to choose: do we fall back on what we know, or do we step forward to something new? It's hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us... what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time. So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history we're making today.

The house of idiots

Tomorrow, we'll be celebrating our nation's 50th Independence Day. There'll be plenty of events being lined up for the celebration. Folks from every corner of the nation will be going out in full force to the nation's capital for the celebration.

That means, the roads will be busy, traffic will be a standstill, and public transportation will be packed like sardines.

While all these are going on, I'll be far away in the middle of the jungle, enjoying the calm and beauty of nature. Far from the noises, far from the parades, far from the fireworks. The only thing I expected to see are the monitor lizards ransacking my campsite and the occasional leeches on my breeches. While the only noise I expected to hear are the rhythmic sound of the cascading rivers and the birds greeting me early in the morning.

But that's beside the point.

50 years of independence. Some people have lived that long, and more, and you can ask them about their achievements throughout their life. And I think, as a nation, we have gone a long way since that eventful day in 1957. So much has been achieved, so many developments have taken place.

And as new breeds of generations are welcomed to the nation, old ones faded away, ravaged by the passing of time. The generation gaps expand, and so does the meaning of independence. Younger generations are being lulled into complacency, cocooned by the luxuries and safety provided by their parents, and the generations before them.

They will fly the flag; they will sing the national anthem. And they will flood the celebration grounds and attend the concerts. Not because the feel patriotic when they do so, but because that's what everyone else is doing.

Follow the crowd, right?

We can do a lot of things to instill the spirit of patriotism in their young hearts. The government runs plenty of campaigns for this purpose. In school, kids are taught the history of the nation. However, all these will come to no avail, if the people we elected as our leaders, fail to set a good example.

How can you teach someone the right thing, when you yourself are doing the wrong thing?

Yesterday, the news highlighted the proceeding in the house of idiots. One MP stood up, and urged his fellow idiots to raise their arms and shouted Merdeka! for 7 times. And so they all did, except for a few, who thought they were better off not doing so, and stayed seated. After the farce, a heated argument followed, with one MP accusing the ones who didn't join the show of patriotism as unpatriotic and selfish. An exchange of words followed, more idiots started to join in the bickering, and a few cursed words were exchange.

Bickering. Yes, that was what they did.

The bickered with each other. At least, no chairs or punches were thrown. But fine example they are setting to the watching eyes of the nation. And they called themselves leaders!

This was just a mere example, there were plenty more of bickering that happened throughout the years.

Read more about the farce in this one sided entry.

Happy Independence Day!

Sex, birth, death

T.S. Eliot wrote, "Between the idea and the reality, between the motion and the act, falls the shadow."

What is it like to be afraid of your own mind? Knowing of what you are capable of, and having those acts being played inside your mind. Over and over again. Fantasies. When do they become realities?

When you start believing in them?

Or when you start acting and doing them?

We all have our own world inside of our mind. And unlike our life, we are the only ones who have access to it. No one else can intrude into it, and most of the time, no one else knows what's going on inside. Sometimes, the mind has a life of its own. Like watching a show on TV, but instead, it's all in the mind.

This week's Criminal Minds deal with this issue. A killer was out killing prostitutes, purging the streets of the wicked. A young boy was having fantasies about cutting up women, and hurting them bad. He knew he has a problem, and he acknowledged it. But somehow, he was powerless to stop himself. His mind was too powerful, and too demanding.

In the end, he tried to end the fantasies, by killing himself. It was better to die than to hurt another. Noble intentions? Probably.

T.S. Eliot wrote, "Between the desire and the spasm, between the potency and the existence, between the essence and the descent, falls the shadow. This is the way the world ends."

My first time

I have waited for it for more than a month now. It was supposed to happen at the end of July, but somehow it got postponed till last weekend. I even took a day off from work, to groom myself properly, and oil myself up for the big day.

I have forgotten the last time I did it. It was so long ago that it was not worth mentioning. Don't look back, they said. Instead, move on, meet more people, date more women, and get the bigger picture out of life.

And so I did. And when Sunday greeted me with its gloomy skies, I knew the day couldn't have been any better. I was all ready and psyched up. It was time.

The first 10 minutes was always the hardest. It was when I could feel the pain in my gut, wrenching me breathless and letting me groaned in pain. After a while, I could feel the rhythm coming to me, my breathing was getting constant. And that was when the pain travelled up my chest. My heartbeat was still trying to adjust to the sudden increase of activities, it was pandemonium. Every part of my body was screaming for more blood, and my poor heart was pumping frantically. And my brain kept sending instruction to every nerves and muscles in my body. And after a while, the pain turned into pleasure, and I could feel myself grinning in anticipation.

Half an hour passed by, and I was still going strong and constant. But as I continued on, I was faced with an uphill struggle. My steps faltered, and my breathing became laboured. But I continued on, determined to reach my climax at my targeted time.

And suddenly, I could see the finishing line up ahead. But it was still a distance away, and I've left with less than 10 minutes to cross it. I increased my pace, pushing myself to my limits, and draining every ounce of reserved energy I still had. I knew I would pay the consequences later, as exhaustion and all sorts of bodily aches crept up on me. But that did not matter.

All that matter was for me to finish what I've started. And finished it I did, with a minute to spare. 58 minutes and 46 seconds. That was how long I took to run my first 10km race.

Bitter surrender

Maybe I was afraid. Maybe I never tried harder. Maybe I wasn't sure myself. Maybe I thought she would come back to me.

"Ah! All these maybes are driving me insane!"

"There's no point dwelling on the past, boy. Life has to go on. You have to move on. If you stay in the past, you'll never achieve anything in life."

"I know! I know! Don't you think I know? Just let me drown in my sorrows. Just let me be with my misery!"

"No! You're stronger than this. Fight it, fight it boy!"

"......."

Silence. Just my heavy breathing filled the air. The tears have dried. I was calming down. I could see her leaving. I could see her fading away in my mind. I could see her with another man.

"No! Gotta get that out of my mind."

"Help me! God, help me! Anybody! Somebody!"

Just take these memories away.

Just let me sleep, eternally.

(3rd June 2006)

Every moment counts

Yesterday's episode was a quick summary of some of the important details from all the previous episodes for season 3, some sort of a recap show. It was good to see it in a different perspective.

But what really touched me was the song at the end of the show, and I would like to share the words with you. This is for you, who has always been a good friend to me, and always there when I am in need of a friend.

"Life is too short to dwell on lost love.. gotta open ourselves to new love and create new life, new story.."

The Story - Brandi Carlile

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
Yeah you do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
Is hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through but you do
And I was made for you...

The burden of sins

"I'm getting tired, Ardy," she told me.

"It feels like I've been doing this forever, when all I want to do is stop. But I keep going back, keep doing it," she continued.

"It must be frustrating for you, having to go through the same feelings, over and over again," I told her.

"Yes! I just don't know what to do!"

I don't meet her that often. But everytime we met, we'll be talking about the same thing, going through her dilemma, and deciding on her next course of action. But it never materializes, and she's always back where she started.

I first met her 3 years ago. At that time, she was at the lowest point of her life. She was seeking a way out. She even considered ending her life. She talked about it with me, and I sat there, accepting her as she was, and listened to her as she poured out her anguish and misery.

Slowly, like a poison seeping out, she told me everything. She was lost, and lonely. She just wanted someone to talk to. Someone to understand, and someone to accept her.

When she was studying in one of the local university, she stayed with her brother and his wife. Being new to KL, she was fascinated and excited about a lot of things. But things turned bad when her sister-in-law got pregnant. Her brother, being deprived of his usual routine, turned to her, and seduced and forced himself onto her.

She was afraid. Frightened and ashamed. But after a while, she started to enjoy it. And the affair excites her. They would do it late at night, when he would sneak into her room while his unsuspected wife was sound asleep.

After a while, she got addicted to it. She started to ply herself in the real world. She was young, and her body was blossoming. She had curves at the right places, and she knew how to flaunt them. Men went wild for her. But she was selective, very selective, and only chose those who pay her well. In time, she became rich and self-dependent.

Her brother, upon knowing about it, felt betrayed. She moved out and rent her own place, being able to afford it now. And her discreet tryst continued, sometimes with rich married men looking for excitement in their life, sometimes with men she found attractive. But somehow, she's getting tired of it, of everything. She just wants a normal life, she just wants someone who can love her as she loves him.

"Is there still hope for me? Or am I too deep that I'm beyond help?"

She always asked me the same question. And I always told her, even after all these years, that there is always hope to those who are still hopeful, second chance for those who really wish for it. She is still young, and she still has her whole life ahead of her. It is never too late to repent, to start anew, and to turn a new leaf.

"Everybody deserves a second chance," I would tell her.

And she would listen to me, and she would nod her head, and before we parted, she would smile and hug me.

"Thank you, Ardy. Thank you for believing in me, and thank you for being my friend," she would whisper in my ear.

And I would smile, and watch her as she walked away. I pray to God that He will give her the strength to change. And maybe, just maybe, the next time we meet, she will tell me a different story.

The season upon us

It has started again. The mad Saturday and Sunday nights, one match after another, is back. It is something to look forward to, because eversince I can remember, there were never anything good on TV on Saturday night. Therefore, it is quite a relief for me when the footballers started playing again. At least I have better things to do than mopping at home thinking about black holes and the theory of relativity (okay, maybe I don't think about astro-physics, but my mind can really wander to the far corners of the galaxies).

And last Sunday, I finally had the chance to see my first EPL match. The big showdown between Liverpool and Chelsea. And it was a good to see Torres scored on his home debut. And a cracking goal too, I must say. What a finish! Kinda makes you feel that the 20mill plus pounds Liverpool parted for him is worth every penny. But of course it is still too early to judge.

Liverpool played well, controlling most of the possession, and created plenty of chances. Of course the finishing of Kuyt and Gerrard could have been better, they seemed to be hitting everywhere except the back of the net. And defensively, I think Carragher was rock solid at the back. Even Gerrard was ever-present doing his defensive duties.

The match was rather physical, with tackles flying everywhere, and tempers flared. I think 9 players were shown the yellow card. And just when I thought we would be getting our usual win against Chelsea, the referee decided to take matters into his own hands (or to be exact, his mouth).

He blew the whistle for an apparent dive by Florent 'Bloody' Malouda inside the box. And of course Steve 'I didn't do anything!' Finnan was furious. Heck! Everyone in a red shirt was livid! And up stepped Frank 'why am I keep missing penalties' Lampard, and he blasted the ball on the left side this time, which is right, as Jose 'how did Van Der Sar did it?' Reina dived the other way.

Liverpool worked hard to look for the winning goal, and when Kuyt kept firing blanks, and Torres disappearing into the shadows, Rafa brought in Peter 'Yeah! Less than 10mins and you put me in now!' Crouch, hoping that the lanky forward could be more accurate than Kuyt.

But of course, with Chelsea already settling for the draw, and packing up their defenses, it was all over. And so Liverpool dropped their first point in Anfield for the new season. But on a brighter note, Man. United lost to their City rival, thanks to Carlos 'I'm too good to score such an easy goal from a yard away' Tevez, and the other misfiring United players.

Of course it is still very early in the season. nothing much is certain yet.

But one thing for sure, Torres will score again, lots and lots of goals!

Anyway, looks like someone admitted that he made a big mistake. Scant consolation, I would say!

In the Daily Express:

Rob Styles has issued a grovelling apology to Rafa Benitez and will be banned from refereeing in the Premier League this weekend after being severely reprimanded for his handling of Liverpool's controversial draw with Chelsea.

The Daily Mail:

Premier League referee Rob Styles yesterday apologised for the Anfield penalty blunder which has resulted in him being dropped from next weekend's fixtures.

The Guardian:

Rob Styles will not referee in the Premier League this weekend and it could be up to a month before the official takes charge of a top-flight fixture again after he was sanctioned following his performance at Anfield on Sunday.

Daily Telegraph:

Referee Rob Styles was forced into a humiliating public climbdown yesterday as he apologised to Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez for wrongly awarding Chelsea a penalty at Anfield on Sunday.

Lost in dreams

I saw her again last night. She was standing at the doorway, looking beyond the horizon. Searching. For what? I did not know.

I just stood there, looking at her. I could feel her breath on my skin. I could feel her sorrows in her heart. I could feel her anguish in my bones.

Yet, I was far away from her. And I watched, as her silhouette passed me by slowly. I stood frozen, my stare towards the doorway.

And I blinked. And she was gone. But she left me these words as I jolted into consciousness.

"I run a million miles just to hear you say my name."

Her name. It stood out at the tips of my lips. I could feel the taste of it. Sweet sorrow.

Yet I could not remember it.

Her name.

What was her name?

The Deathly Hallows

I am a Potter-fan, but not to the extend of buying the book on the first day of release.

And not to the extend of spending RM69.90 (only applicable in Tesco and Carrefoure) to buy the hardcover version.

Yes, I am a Potter-fan, but I'll wait until the paperback version (which is way cheaper) is out before buying one. But that doesn't mean I'll wait that long to read it. And read it I did, after I acquired the book on loan from my eleven-years old student. Yes, she finished the book in less than a month, reading it like mad every free time she had. We had a very good discussion about the book just now, and it felt good to be able to share with someone who are as fanatic as me.

It took me two nights to finish the book, and the whole weekend to reread it again, just in case I missed any important details. Reading the book was fun, and nerve-rending, because it was filled with plenty of actions and revelations (and because I know that I would get tired and sleepy at work the next morning for staying up so late!)

The book is simply superb. The first 6 books were written in anticipation for this final book. Things that are mentioned in the earlier books were like missing pieces of a giant jigsaw puzzle, fitting in nicely and snugly into the book. Rowling really had her plot drawn, laying it out nicely in 7 books, and bringing it to a perfect end in the final book.

Still, the middle part was a bit of a drag, where Harry, Ron and Hermione travelled the whole Britain in search of the Horcruxes. It was like a never-ending camping trip. That got pretty tiresome after a while. And you would have thought that the three of them would have learnt better from previous experiences not to get into each other's nerve. But Ron being Ron, and Harry being Harry (and a part of Voldemort), I guess they just couldn't help it. It was a good thing that Dumbledore predicted this and gave Ron his deluminator, so that he was able to find them again.

But the best chapter in the book to me was The Prince's Tale. Snape has always been one of my favourite character, not because he was evil, but because he seemed to be hiding a lot behind his greasy hair. And how Snape was doing good things, but all for the wrong reasons. He was doing it out of guilt and if it hadn't been for Lily, he would have been Voldemort's most trusted lieutenant. And the fact that every time he looked at Harry, he saw the eyes of the woman he loved in the face of the man he hated. That part was simply brilliant. Lost love. Almost brought tears to my eyes.

In the end, the arrogance of Voldemort (and Dumbledore's brilliant plan plus Harry's help) brought to his demise. It was beneath the Dark Lord to believe that Harry was more powerful than him. It was unthinkable that Harry could defeat him in a duel.

And of course, the epilogue was necessary, to put an end to everything. I think Rowling really meant it when she said the 7th book will be the last book in the series, hence the 17 years later.

Overall, I am highly satisfied with the book. I shall not reveal the whole story here, I think you all should discover the magic by reading the book yourselves. But of course, if you have read the book and would like to talk about it with me, I would be glad to share.

And here's to Dobby, the brave elf, who sacrificed himself for the greater good.

Here lies Dobby, a Free Elf

My favourite mistake

Quotes from this week's episode:




Meredith: [narrating] The thing about plans is they don't take into account the unexpected, so when we're thrown a curve ball, whether its in the O.R. or in life, we have to improvise. Of course, some of us are better at it than others. Some of us just have to move on to plan B, and make the best of it. And sometimes what we want is exactly what we need. But sometimes, sometimes what we need is a new plan.

Izzie: Hours. Hours of our life that are all I can think about and you seriously can't remember?
George: Look, Izzie, I was drunk. Whatever I did, whatever I said, I'm sure I didn't mean it.
Izzie: Yes, George, you meant it. You meant it a lot. You meant it more than once.

Mark: Don't wear the glasses. You fiddle with them, it makes you look indecisive. And stop stressing, it will be like any other job interview. What do you consider your strengths? What do you consider your weaknesses? What do you consider your weaknesses?
Addison: I don't have any. I'm that good. What are yours?
Mark: I'm an easy mark for evil redheads.
Addison: Trust me, you have other weaknesses. Obviously, you are a man-whore.
Mark: Correction, I was a man-whore.
Addison: Yeah, well, while you're bragging about that to the board, Colin Marlow is pitching his ten-year plan.
Mark: Ten-year plan? Is that a requirement?
Addison: It is now.

Addison: Is...is that a...?
Izzie: Dollhouse. Yeah, the lights work and everything, it's the perfect little home.
Addison: Did you have a dollhouse growing up?
Izzie: I had sex last night...with the wrong person. But the thing is it didn't feel wrong at the time. It felt like everything was falling into place. So, what do I do?
Addison: What am I? The go-to person for adultery?
Izzie: No...no...I just...I just don't know what to do.
Addison: You stop, that's what you do.
Izzie: Are you sure? How do you know, that it feels so right because it's gods plan?
Addison: God wants you to be an adulterer?
Izzie: God got a virgin pregnant by magic. God is not playing by the rules.

Nina: I should have brought her in sooner. The first time she threw up. I knew better.
Callie: Nina, there was nothing any of us could...
Nina: No. It was a mistake.
Izzie: Your mother...talked to me. She wasn't ready to leave you but she was ready to leave her body.
Nina: Please, I don't need you to explain the relative comforts of death for my mother.
Izzie: What she was afraid of was that you had taken on so much of her disease that you had frozen up to. You spent so much time planning and helping her avoid risk, god knows that's what you should have been doing, but she was worried...You have a healthy body, Nina. If you fall down you won't turn to stone and you're mom so wanted you to fall. Messing up is what makes a person. It's how you learn, where you find joy in the things you don't plan for. The things you never see coming.

Meredith: How was your interview?
Derek: Not great. It wasn't great. I was distracted.
Meredith: By what?
Derek: Nothing. I don't know.
Meredith: On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is it?
Derek: Eight.
Meredith: [kisses him] How about now?
Derek: Seven.
Meredith: [kisses him] How about now?
Derek: Six... five... four... three...

The two paths

It's easy to deviate to the dark side, to follow the forbidden path, and never look back.

But how long can you live in the darkness?

It's a question of choice, and beliefs. It's your own life, you make your own choice. You choose the path that you want to follow. And along the way, the path will converge into more paths, and you have to make more choices.

So how do you choose the correct path?

I am at the crossroad now, where I see two paths, one with plenty of bends and corners, and the other one straight to the end, where the earth and the sky meets. Being an indecisive person by nature, and someone who likes to deliberate and procrastinate, I now sit at the crossroad. In fact, I've been sitting here for quite some time now, maybe a whole month. Or was it a whole year?

I've even set up camp, seeing that I might be here for a little while still, and have started digging a well. From the looks of it, I might be staying here for another year or two, maybe three.

But that's the problem. Everyday, I look at the two paths. Everyday I stand at the edge of both paths, deliberating on the correct path.

"There is no correct path."

That's what they said and that's what the general public agrees on. But are they right? Maybe there is a correct path, and your whole life depended on it, your first step into the unknown. Choose the wrong path, and your life will be filled with heartache and misery.

But that's what life's all about, isn't it?

One thing for sure, sitting here at the crossroad doing nothing (except for digging a well) will definitely not take me anywhere. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not digging a well.

I'm digging my own grave.

I need to take the risk, plunge myself into the unknown,. I need to make the first step. When I close my eyes, I can imagine myself, crystal clear, stepping over the boundary, and walking along one path. And pretty soon, the walk turns into a jog, and the jog turns into a run. A steady consistent run. With rhythm. I can feel my heartbeat, and I can hear myself breathing.

Inhaling, exhaling. Inhaling, exhaling.

But all that is only in my mind. When I opened my eyes, I still see the two paths, not the hills and scenery zooming past me while I run. I'm still on a tree stump, with a half-dig well behind me, looking beyond the paths.

I need to make up my mind soon. I need to make the choice.

But most importantly, I need courage. Courage to make the wrong choice, and not regretting it. Courage to walk the wrong path, and not look back.

Or I might as well lie quietly in the well.

One way ticket to hell

During one of my weekly classes, I asked my eleven-years old student, what does she want to be when she grows up.

"A minister", she answered me.

Quite taken aback, I asked her why, and without missing a beat, she told me,

"A minister only have to do work when bad things happened, and sometimes that is also unnecessary because he can always point fingers! It's an easy job with a good pay."

And this actually came from a kid's mouth. I think she's been listening to her father's ranting while watching the nightly news.

She has got a point, really. 50 years of independence not withstanding, we are still doing things the same way as we did 100 years ago. Not that I know how we really did things way back then, I just assume it would still be the same now.

Throughout the years, there were plenty of good examples to proof this. Tragedies after tragedies, casualties and victims were highlighted by the news and medias. And yet, all these seemed to fade away after a few weeks. Life goes on, as they all say. And when something bad happened again, everybody freaked out, everybody seemed angry, and everybody wanted something to be done.

And after a few weeks, things went back to normal.

But seriously, I don't know whose fault is this in the first place. I mean, we have a good system, right? And we supposedly have good leaders. And good implementations. But somehow, all of these are lost somewhere along the line. Plans are made, laws are gazetted, and people are put into actions. But the end results are always the same, big money is spent; some might be unaccounted for, and shady end results. Then there must be something wrong with the system.

But we can never beat the system, let alone change it. It's already embedded into our lives, imbued with our blood and ingrained with our soul. Those who tried to change it always reached a dead end, or worse, ending up dead. Not that anyone I know is dead for trying to change the system, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone turns up dead.

In the end, what we can do is hope, and pray for the victims, and the victims families. The latest casualties were the 20 passengers on board the terror bus to a certain death. But was the driver the victim too? Or should he be blamed for causing the accident?

From the reports, it seems that the driver was a wanted man, with 2 arrest warrant and a long list of unpaid tickets, and if you add up the tickets for the bus, the number of summons between the two of them were more than what a whole class of school children will get in their lifetime. And considering the man had 2 wives to support, plus 6 children, it came as no surprise if the man was said to have work non-stop driving the bus northbound and southbound.

And of course, there are always the ministers, who normally materialize when this kind of things happened. And all sorts of solutions and measures are brought up by them, the demerit system, refresher courses, black box on express buses, and road blocks by JPJ, PUSPAKOM, JAS and the police to nab those errant operators and drivers. But then again, aren't these the same stuffs we heard last year when another bus accident claimed 12 souls in Nibong Tebal?

Funny thing is, we only hear about all these after such tragedies. And I bet my laurels that the papers will be covering this news for the next two weeks. No more than that. After that, we'll be lulled into a sense of security, somewhat believing that the roads are safe again, and the buses will not get into anymore accidents.

That is, until the next big accident happens. Then repeat whole process, like an infinite loop.

Locked behind bars

Sometimes, I imagine myself being in prison. No, not as one of the guards or wardens, but as one of the criminals, behind bars. And no, this has nothing to do with the series Prison Break.

Of course, come to think of it, what is the difference between my life right now, and a life in prison? By the way, I wonder what time do you have to wake up in prison?

At least, if I'm in prison, I'll have plenty of friends (and enemies). Definitely more than what I have now. I think being cooped up in the same place for years will get you more friends. And the meals are constant, unlike right now. Of course I might end up having to give my dessert to the head honcho (some sort like protection bribe), but I guess I can live with that. And since there's nothing much to do in prison, except to get into fights and scheming for an escape, I'll probably write more and finally manage to write a whole book. Jeffrey Archer wrote 3 books while he was in prison. I'm sure I can come up with at least one.

And I can still work out and tone my body in prison. I will also get into scuffles and the occasional fights (helps to build character and battle hardened myself). But the best part is, I don't have to sleep alone. I'll have a cellmate. Hopefully he's not into guys, but I'm sure someone as butt-ugly as myself won't be attracting the wrong attention. Of course, the only thing lacking will be freedom.

But freedom can be overrated sometimes.

But then again, come to think of it, I won't be able to go out anytime I want. I can't eat whatever I want whenever I want. That means no more double cheeseburger in the middle of the night. I can't watch my favourite TV shows. I can't call any of my friends. I can't go out to the mall to check out the girls. And most of all, I can't have sex. Not that I'm getting any right now anyway, which makes no difference after all. But at least being outside, the choice is always there.

Life right now - no sex.
Life in prison - no sex (but there's always the option of homosexual sex)

Okay, I need to get that thought out of my mind now!

Of course, I have to think of a way to get myself imprisoned. I can't go around killing people, I do not want to get the death penalty. Maybe I can just shoplift, at least I'll be behind bars for a maximum 2 years only. But come on, shoplifting?

"What are you in here for, mate?" my new cellmate would ask.

"Err, shoplifting. Couple of bras, to be exact".

Now, that won't leave a big impression, wouldn't it? Next thing I know, I'll be somebody's bitch, and that is not what I'm looking forward to for a life in prison.

So tell me now, what would be the perfect crime?

Scars and souvenirs

Quotes from this week's episode:



Meredith: [narrating] People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers.

Izzie: Alex is moving in?! To this house?!
Meredith: He's taking George's room.
Izzie: Why?
Derek: I was asleep just a minute ago.
Izzie: Uh? And I was naked - in the bathroom - when Alex walked in. I'm lucky I didn't come out of the shower to see him peeing all over the seat.

Izzie: You guys seen Bailey? What are we doing?
George: Uh, checking out the new Chief candidate.
Meredith: The Chief sent in a ringer. We're lurking in a way that subtle when there was two of us, but isn't now that it's 12.
Cristina: I heard it was someone from Stanford. All the professors there loved me.
Alex: They loved you?
Cristina: I was a great student.

Cristina: Move, move, move.
George: She doesn't like it when people ask.
Cristina: The ringer's in there with the Chief.
Izzie: Yeah, and whoever it is loves Cristina, because everyone at Stanford just loved Cristina.
Cristina: Shut up.

Cristina: He was my professor, we were close.
Meredith: He had his hand on your ass, I sure hope you were close!

George: C'mon! She's Izzie! She's blonde. She's stacked. She's a supermodel. And I'm... I mean, I'm George.
Callie: [pauses] So what does that make me?

Izzie: You need to bond with your people. People are what matters.
Meredith: I hate people.

Meredith: [narrating] What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.

Morning has broken

There are two things that I really hate but I'm still doing them. I hate waking up early in the morning. And I hate the cold shower that follows after that. The problem is, I have to wake up early in the morning. Of course the shower part is optional, but I need the jolt of jet cold water on my body and face to fully bring me to the world of the living.

Still, if I have the money, I would install one of those hot showers gizmo, so that at least I could take hot shower instead of a cold one.

For the longest time ever, I've been waking up early in the morning. And here's the thing, I was never a morning person, and I will never be one. During my school years, it was 6am. Then there was college years (which was considerably better) and now working years. I can't wait for the day that I am my own boss, and I can start work whenever I want. Of course, my business would fold in no time. The early bird gets the worm, remember?

I think it would help tremendously if I'd go to bed early instead of 2-3am like I normally do. I guess that's the thing, I never seem to get enough sleep. I always stay up late. I'm like the night guy. Night guy wants to stay up late. What about getting up after 4-5 hours of sleep? Well, that's morning guy's problem. I'm night guy. I stay up as late as I want.

Of course, the funny thing about sleeping is the moment you're in your bed, trying to go to sleep, a thousand thoughts pass through your mind, like trains going in circles. I once saw this toy train in Toys'R'us where the train went up and around a mountain. The tracks swirled around and around, and at the top there was this cute little station, with cute little people waiting for the train to arrive. And wouldn't you know it? Once the train reached the station, it didn't stop at all. Those poor little cute people! Still, I would love to own that train set.

Anyway, that is my stumbling block. I can toss and turn in bed for hours before my mind goes wandering off to a distant planet where I find it hard to catch up - that's when I started to drift away. Therefore, to avoid all the unnecessary wild imaginations, I prefer to hit the bed around 2am, when I know I am really tired, and I have to keep telling myself that I need to fall asleep so that I won't be sleepy the next day at work.

But don't you find it amazing how sometimes your brain can conjure up so many thoughts in a split second, giving you splitting headache? By the way, I think that's how the term splitting headache came by, don't you agree? Too many thoughts in a split second equal to splitting headache. Somehow, my mind seems to be on the utmost alert when I'm trying to shut it off. But then again, you don't really shut it off totally when you go to sleep. That's how you ended up with dreaming, your body is asleep but your mind is wandering.

But that is another tale to tell.

The lost soul

When did it happened?
It was a long time ago
when the body perished
so the soul wandered

Confused
Lost
Alone

Searching for the white light
But instead being blinded by colorful and bright light
So the soul stole a pair of sunglasses from an old man near the seaside
And the light dimmed significantly

So the quest continues
looking for the one white light
that will redeem the soul from the brightness of the sun
and bring total darkness
shrivelling the soul nakedness
leaving the soul with soothing joy and redemption
Forever free from the light.

Mundane affairs

Do you go through your days without remembering much about it? You wake up in the morning, get ready for work, drive through traffic to work, spend the whole day at work, drive home through traffic, spend some time with your family, if you have one, else spend some time eating dinner alone in front of the TV. Then you go to sleep and repeat the whole process again the next day.

After a while, you get used to your routine and you don't even think about it anymore. It's like you're on autopilot. And I know people who have been doing this for years. The same old thing for more than 10 years.

Personally, I think it terrifies me. Simply terrifying.

Because I'm on the same road as those people.

There are times in my life when I reflect upon it before I go to sleep at night (when you sleep alone, you tend to think a lot before you go to sleep). I would lie down on my big bed, contemplating about my plans, and wondering about the future. And sometimes I think about my day, and the day before, and realised that nothing much is happening to me. Oh, don't get me wrong now, I do get the occasional excitement and fun. I do something different sometimes, like instead of eating oatmeal for lunch, I eat Chipsmore or Oreos. And of course there is always the TV shows to excite me enough for the night.

Pathetic isn't it?

I think we all go through a period of time where life seems hardly exciting anymore. Where you have reach a level that indicates that you've been living in this world for way too long, when the truth is you barely even scratch the surface. And there you are, doing the things you do day in and day out, not realising that there is more to life than just doing the things that you do. Make sense? Probably not.

And so, you try to add some spice into your life. You do things differently, you join a club, you do some charity work, you go for trips. But in the end, you're always back at square one, doing the same things you normally do. But at least you're trying right? You're not just idling away and letting your life floats away, just like that. So the effort must have count for something, in a way.

Mundane life. That's what we all go through sometimes at certain periods of our life. But you know what, it doesn't have to be that way. Don't let it be mundane. Fill it with happiness, fill it with excitements. Fill it with friends and laughter. Fill it with love.

Just fill it.

Flying without wings

I was thinking that I might fly today. Just to defy the laws of physics. Just to defy gravity and E=mc2. Let see what they will say then when they see me coasting through the blue sky, with the wind beneath me and my long messy hair scattering behind me. And I will laugh gleefully as I fly by her, and circle a few times around her.

And then I will shoot upwards, and see her disappearing below me. Higher and higher I will fly, where the air is thinner, and the pressure is lower, and my nose starts to bleed. And when tears of blood start trickling down my cheeks, I will pause in midair, take a long good look around, and let myself fall.

No, not gently, but in a rush of wind, with clouds passing by me like a waft of smoke, where potential energy turns into kinetic energy, and I will reach terminal velocity. And in a matter of seconds, I will be beside her again.

In a splatter.

"Honey, I'm back!" I would tell her if I can locate my brain.

(20th January 2006)

I'm loving it

I'm addicted to McDonald's. No, let me rephrase that. I'm addicted to craving for McDonald's. Whenever I'm hungry (which is most of the time), the first thought that came to my mind is 'a double cheeseburger meal would be great right now!' I would feel so tempted to just go and get one.

Thank God I'm a lazy person. Yup, for once, I'm lucky to be lazy. Most of the time, the thought just stayed in my head. And I'll just imagine myself going to McDs and eating my hunger away. My imagination is a powerful tool!

But there were times when my craving intensifies, like when I'm driving home from work and feeling extremely hungry. Or in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. Luckily again, the drive from my office to my house is only 5 minutes, and by the time I've decided to stop by McDs, I'm already home. Then I'll be too lazy to go out again.

The thing is, not only is my office so near to my house, the friendly neighbourhood McDs restaurant is also 5 minutes away from my place. I could even walk there if I wanted too (but I'm too lazy for that, remember?). What about McDelivery then? See, since it's so near, there's no point for me to pick up the phone and dial 1300 13 1300 then. I can save RM3 on the delivery charges, which I can get 2 apple pies instead for that value.

I remember a year ago when a double cheeseburger was only RM2.50 (it was in the McSaver meal). Those were the days when I would eat 2 cheeseburger a meal, because they were so cheap and worth it. Who could resist one (or two, in my case), with melted cheese sticking to the beef patty, the two pickles and hot chilli, I can gobble it up in 3 big bites. But of course I don't normally do that, I prefer to savour it slowly, enjoying every single bite of it.

And I love the fries too. The 570 calories per large fries is best eaten with a handful of pepper on it, and plentiful of chilli. Especially when the fries are still hot. Oh, I can imagine it now!

I think I should stop now.

(I'm off to McDs!)

Some kind of miracle

Intense, totally intense. With Meredith's life hanging on the brink, the whole staffs tried their best to revive her. But Mer was already in the afterlife, getting reacquainted with fellow death mates Denny, Dylan, Bonnie, her mother's ex-nurse and of course, Doc, her beloved dog. And she had to face the realisation that she was actually happy to be dead. But of course, the ever-so-noble Denny, woke her up from her delusions.

Meredith: I was swimming. I was fighting. Then I thought, just for a second, I thought ‘What’s the point?’ And then I let go. I stopped fighting. Don’t tell anybody.

Denny: Okay.

Meredith: What?

Denny: Izzie.

Meredith: You can see her?

Denny: No. Sometimes we’d be at the same place at exactly the same time and I can almost hear her voice. It’s like I’m touching her. I like to believe she knows I’m there. That’s all you get. That’s it. Moments with the people you love. And they’ll move on and you’ll want them to move on. But still, Meredith, that’s all you get. Moments.

Denny: Do you know what kind of miracle it is that Derek is who he is? Do you know how rare it is that someone like him even exists? He's still an optimist! He still believes in true love and magic and soulmates. He's waiting for you. And if you don't come back from this, you will change who he is.

Meredith: You watch me take a bath?

Denny: I don't watch women in the tub. I wish I could watch women... We know things,okay

Addison: [watching Derek] We never had that. He never felt that way about me.

Mark: I did.

Addison: You know, sometimes I think what a waste it is to throw away all that history.

Mark: I'm a flawed and I'm a... a wreck, but you... it wasn't a game.

Addison: 60 days. Go 60 days with no sex, no other women. You go 60 days cold turkey and maybe... I'll believe you.

Mark: So I only have sex with you?

Addison: No. No sex with anyone. Grow up Mark. Find another way to scratch the itch.

Mark: Say I do , you'll give us another try. A real try, the couple thing, no sneaking around, no booty calls.

Addison: If you make it. Yes.

Mark: Okay. We're on. Oh, and Addison, if I'm not having sex, neither are you.

Addison: Who would I possibly be having sex with?

Meredith: [narrating] At the end of a day like this, when so many prayers are answered and so many aren’t, we take our miracles where we find them. We reach across the gap and sometimes, against all odds, against all logic, we touch.