Locked behind bars

Sometimes, I imagine myself being in prison. No, not as one of the guards or wardens, but as one of the criminals, behind bars. And no, this has nothing to do with the series Prison Break.

Of course, come to think of it, what is the difference between my life right now, and a life in prison? By the way, I wonder what time do you have to wake up in prison?

At least, if I'm in prison, I'll have plenty of friends (and enemies). Definitely more than what I have now. I think being cooped up in the same place for years will get you more friends. And the meals are constant, unlike right now. Of course I might end up having to give my dessert to the head honcho (some sort like protection bribe), but I guess I can live with that. And since there's nothing much to do in prison, except to get into fights and scheming for an escape, I'll probably write more and finally manage to write a whole book. Jeffrey Archer wrote 3 books while he was in prison. I'm sure I can come up with at least one.

And I can still work out and tone my body in prison. I will also get into scuffles and the occasional fights (helps to build character and battle hardened myself). But the best part is, I don't have to sleep alone. I'll have a cellmate. Hopefully he's not into guys, but I'm sure someone as butt-ugly as myself won't be attracting the wrong attention. Of course, the only thing lacking will be freedom.

But freedom can be overrated sometimes.

But then again, come to think of it, I won't be able to go out anytime I want. I can't eat whatever I want whenever I want. That means no more double cheeseburger in the middle of the night. I can't watch my favourite TV shows. I can't call any of my friends. I can't go out to the mall to check out the girls. And most of all, I can't have sex. Not that I'm getting any right now anyway, which makes no difference after all. But at least being outside, the choice is always there.

Life right now - no sex.
Life in prison - no sex (but there's always the option of homosexual sex)

Okay, I need to get that thought out of my mind now!

Of course, I have to think of a way to get myself imprisoned. I can't go around killing people, I do not want to get the death penalty. Maybe I can just shoplift, at least I'll be behind bars for a maximum 2 years only. But come on, shoplifting?

"What are you in here for, mate?" my new cellmate would ask.

"Err, shoplifting. Couple of bras, to be exact".

Now, that won't leave a big impression, wouldn't it? Next thing I know, I'll be somebody's bitch, and that is not what I'm looking forward to for a life in prison.

So tell me now, what would be the perfect crime?