It's raining tears

Things are never as they appear to be.

Once you learn to accept that, your life should be a whole lot happier.

The problem with caring too much, is you bound to get hurt. Badly. And there's always a limit to how much hurt one heart can take. Until finally, you stop caring anymore.

And the moment you stop caring, that's the moment when you stop hurting. But the problem is, you'll end up hurting others.

But you don't care anymore, remember?

It's like the rain that keeps coming everyday. It will come as it pleases, with a slow drizzle or a heavy downpour. It will wreck havoc if it wishes too, with flash floods and loud thunderstorms. And every now and then, the wind will howl with the rain, creating the sound of life. And you pause for a moment, appreciating the slow dance of the raindrops on your windscreen. And for the briefest of moment, you remember the pain that you felt a long time ago, and how you grew from it. For the tiniest of moment, you start caring again for the world, for other beings.

And then the thunder strikes, and it jolts you from your moment.

The rain will always come.

Just as the pain will always stay.

The smell of death

I have always marveled at how reporters tend to sensationalized a news story by adding a twist here and there to add more juice to the story. Let me give you a simple example.

Take an automobile accident. Since that seems to be happening everyday, and being reported daily, you can't help but to come across them the moment you check the daily news. Some resulted in death, some lucky ones escaped. But the stories that  I'm curious about are the ones where someone died from the resulting crash. So you get the story of the accident, perhaps how it happened, and the name of the deceased. Then the story of the loved ones being left behind.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm sure what was written was what being told to them. Often times, you will come across something like this - "the deceased has been acting strangely lately. Heck, he even sent me a text message seeking forgiveness etc etc". And now he's dead.

I find it amazing that some people are gifted with the premonition of death, that they can sense it approaching. I imagine it to feel cold, maybe a sense of detachment, and the realization that time is so precious but yet you feel like everything has slowed down. And you know that scene where your whole life flashes before your eyes, only that since you still have time, you get clips of your life, slowly emerging at odd minutes. And the weird thing is things that you have forgotten before, come back and you can somehow have a very vivid picture of it again.

Like the house where I used to stay in Panorama St., I can now remember every single details about the house. The layout of the house, the kitchen and it's stove, the oval table at the dining hall where plenty of card games took place during those long summer nights, Caitlyn's poster on my door, the laundry room with the cat litter in it, and the tree at the corner of the house, where it stood alone and stoic, watching over the house throughout the whole time.

I found out that the house was demolished a few years later. So whatever remained, they are all in my memories now.

Have you ever feel that death is so near, that you can feel it, taste it, or even smell it?

And for some strange reason, death smells like semen. The irony, of course, is mind-blowing.

Melancholy is the right mood to write

It's hard to write when you're happy. Or busy. You're out there enjoying life, really living the life that you want. You want to spend every single available moment being happy, with your loved ones, doing the things that you love.

And so the blog gets abandoned, remnants of the past when things were a lot bleaker and darker. Writing was the remedy for the heart, a solace where words provide temporary comfort, and soothe the beast raging inside. It was something like a coping mechanism, and for that, I am forever grateful and thankful for the comfort it provided.

But there comes a time when the past gets revisited, and those dark demons came surfacing again. Those long forgotten demons, never expunged, just pushed into a dark corner of the mind, forgotten. Bidding and waiting for the right time to jump out and take control of the mind again. And the mind, being lulled into happiness, grows weak and vulnerable. And so it begins.

Words are rushing out wanting to be written. I can feel the tip of my fingers tingling, anticipating the tapping on the keyboard. The calm before the storm.

Ingin sekali, aku ungkapi. Isyarat jiwa, dengan sempurna.

And so I ask myself again, what's wrong? Am I sad?

Or I simply miss writing that I choose to feel sad to be able to write?

The road less travelled

There are many things that I treasure in here. A long time ago, when my heart was bleeding, a close friend of mine started this blog for me, so that I can weep in here instead of shutting myself away from the world. And along the way, I have known more friends, and eventually my wound healed and my life became complete.

That was a long time ago.

It's amazing how when you look back, the years seemed to feel like eternity. And sometimes, you can't help but wonder what have you achieved over the years. Have you met your goals in life? And are you still on the path that you have chosen to tread? It's easy to get sidetracked, and often times, lost at the same time. The are so many side-paths along the way, and you are bound to get curious as you walked pass them. But isn't that what life is? To explore and discover the mysteries at the end of the path?

Even if it leads to your own demise.

But would you rather love and lost, or never loved at all?

Revive

Have I ever told you I love you?

No.

I do.

Still?

Always.

Missing life

There are many things that I miss. I miss my flat, well-toned stomach. I miss playing basketball. I miss going to warehouse sales scouring for excellent bargains. I miss not spending too much time in front of my laptop. I miss reading my books, and rereading some of them, especially about Anne. I miss catching up on my sleep. I miss waking up at noon, and lying in bed for the whole day on Sundays. I miss working out late at the gym and being complimented by gay men in the locker room. I miss driving my old green car, a lot.

I miss hanging out with my friends, talking about sports and girls. I miss Dorai and his soups, with the warmth of friends. I miss pouring out my soul and listening to wounded souls. I miss plucking the guitar, and playing a song that melts my heart. I miss the deep sea, and the creatures inhabiting it. I miss watching cartoons on Saturday mornings. I miss driving two hours to be with someone and have crazy sex all night long, a lot.

I miss the thrill of winning, and losing. I miss watching the stars at night and thinking about absolutely nothing. I miss being close to God. I miss my old room with the nice comfy bed in JB. I miss my stash of porn, well-hidden under that comfy bed. I miss opening the fridge to find some snacks to munch while watching Grey's. I miss my old orange cat, Rimau Taring, a lot.

I miss catching a plane to another country with no plans beforehand. I miss sleeping in cheap inns and eating lousy food. I miss admiring the pretty and cute girls at the train and bus stations. I miss bargaining for cheap handicraft products, and flirting with the salesgirl. I miss getting seasick and throwing up bits and chunks. I miss eating fresh cherries and apricots, a lot.

I miss blogging, and writing about things in my mind. I miss reading interesting blogs, blogs that inspire me to write even more. I miss watching Aerosmith's Crying, Amazing and Crazy music videos with a young Alicia in it. I miss the rush of the wind on my face while rollerblading downhill on St. Kilda Road. I miss walking down the pier at night, listening to the waves crashing down the rocks. I miss waiting for the mailman to deliver the letters from across the ocean. I miss watching Martina and Anna playing doubles at the Australian Open. I miss sitting under the tree at the park and writing my journal, a lot.

And I miss spending the day with you, eating jellies and doing absolutely nothing at all.

Two is better than one

There is no such thing as a simple solution in life. There is no such thing as a perfect formula to solve all your problems. The Wizard of Oz is a fraud, he can't solve your problems, he can't give you what you want. He might be able to trick you into thinking that he knows, when the truth is he has his own problems which he himself couldn't solve. But who doesn't?

You could be the 7-year-old boy eyeing the forbidden cookie in the cookie jar up the counter where he can't reach. You could be the 14-year-old girl thinking about having sex with her boyfriend but afraid that she is too young and her boyfriend might not be serious. You could be the 21-year-old man thinking about how to tell his father that he is gay and in love with his boyfriend. You could be the 28-year-old man wanting to get married but not having enough money for the wedding and having to resort to loan sharks. You could be the 35-year-old woman stuck in a dead-end job, single and not knowing where her life is leading. You could be the 42-year-old man trapped in a loveless marriage with 5 children. You could be the 49-year-old woman with terminal cancer, knowing that she can die anytime, yet having all these unfulfilled dreams.

Or you could be the 54-year-old man, who just found out that his 21-year-old son is gay, and planning to elope with his boyfriend.

How do you deal with all these problems? How do you solve them? Do you run from them, knowing that putting them at the back of your mind doesn't solve the problems? Or do you try to forget about these problems by turning to drugs and alcohol?

It is never easy when faced with such problems. Suppressing them deep inside of you will only makes it worse. And it's even worse when you have to face it all alone, not having anyone to talk, to share and unload, and to cry on their shoulder.

Yes, loneliness sucks. Being alone sucks. Not having good friends sucks. Not being able to face the day sucks. And Mondays suck too.

Wouldn't it be nice if x=y where x is problem and y is solution? Unfortunately life is not maths, and unless you believe that the answer to life, the universe and everything else is 42, you are on your own. It is your life, and no two lives are the same with each other.

So how do you deal with these problems?

For starters, you get someone to listen to you. Because, just maybe, two is better than one.

Green

How do we change the world? Is it even possible to change it? Don't you have to be the President of the United States to do so?

Not that he has done anything much to change the world. Maybe it's true what people said about him. That he is too young, too green. And the world is already red and blue. With a tinge of pink somewhere is eastern Russia, and a shade of gray somewhere in central Asia. Green is not the colour to be to change the world. Green is only good to be associated with trees, and forests, and my old car. Although the car is quite dirty and has been unwashed for more than three months now.

And what about the promises made about changing the world? About making the world a better place? About having a greener world, where everyone recycle, reduce and reuse? Now we are talking about getting green. Suddenly green is the new pink. And everywhere you go, you see green. And everyone is obsessed about saving the rhinos. And the pandas and tigers. No more forest burning. No more pollution. No more constructions. But we all know those are just lies. And in a way, we play a part in those lies. Because we are the ones burning the forest and polluting the earth. We are the ones littering and driving around in our cars.

Maybe I should stop using my old green car. Maybe I should cycle to work. But I need a new bicycle then.

Maybe I'll buy a green one.

Above and below

It’s not rocket science, and you don’t have to be a genius to do it. It’s as simple as tying your shoelaces. But then again, no one does that anymore, except probably for school kids. Even those kids nowadays prefer those Velcro shoes, no more untied shoelaces. No more, “hey, your shoelaces are untie,” and you look down and POW, one big smack right up your chin. Yeah, old trick of the book, plenty of villains got away with that trick. Including the Ocean Master, half brother of Aquaman.

But if Aquaman can breathe on land, then that can only mean one thing. The world is not fair. Here I am gearing myself up to go underwater, with equipments that cost more than what I make in three months, and back-breaking tanks, with some contraption stuck in my mouth, and there goes Aquaman surfacing and climbing into the boat. “Enjoy the deep,” he told me.

I don’t see him putting anything in his mouth, nor is he wearing any tanks or breathing apparatus to help him breathe above ground. You dump a fish on land, and it will gasp for air and die after a while. But you don’t see Aquaman gasping for air. And he is still alive, as far as I can see. He is even smoking a cigarette now. I bet he can’t do that down there. Yeah, smoke all you want, Aquaman. Better even, fill up your lungs with the natural goodness of tar and tobacco. Maybe one day, I will see you gasp for air, with your tar-filled lungs bursting for oxygen, and your smirk turned into agony, and your face turning blue. Now that would be a sight.

And then maybe, just maybe, the world is fair again.

This, that, and the other

This is what we all look for. A good friendship, between a man and a woman. Now, a lot of skeptics out there do not believe in friendships between a man and a woman. Now, I'm not talking about those run of the mill, typical hi-bye friendship, this is more like the close-knit, share everything kind of friendship. There is always something at stake when it comes to those kind of friendship. How can those two be so close without developing feelings for each other? And what about the physical attraction? Unless one party resembles a beach whale (no offense to any whales out there), there must be some sparks, if not a big one, at least a small tiny spark that of course, could ignite into a bigger one.

Nevertheless, despite of all that, sometimes, it does work. The friendship, not the spark. Years of being there for each other, talking to each other, accompanying one another to the movies, having dinner together, those ought to create a sense of comfort and security between the man and the woman. A sense of knowing that there is a line drawn somewhere, and that line will always be there, for friendship sake. Cross the line and things will never be the same again. Ever.

That rarely happens, but in certain circumstances, it does happen. Let say, for experimental purposes, the man and the woman decided to have a physical relationship, maybe out of desperation, or even probably boredom. Hey, it happens, okay. There are instances where you have not had a working relationship for a very long time, so you start to look closer, say under your nose. And you suddenly realised that you have been friends with her for so long now that why not just sleep with her? It doesn't have to be a complicated relationship. You already have this going on with her, now all you want is that.

So the both of you come up with a set of rules to make sure that the friendship stays intact, plus you get the bonus of having a physical relationship. Three simple rules:

1. No calls the day after that
2. Spending the night is optional
3. No good night kiss

Now, these rules are important. It eliminates the pressure of feeling the need to be responsible, when you are not a couple. You are just friends, and will remain so. Most of the time, one party is expected to call the day after sex, probably to say something like, "last night was a mistake," or "last night was wonderful, I'm already missing you," or "are you free tonight?" And there is no need to spend the night after having sex, you can just pick up your clothes and head home. But since it is optional, of course you have the liberty of sleeping over (and there is always morning sex, but we all know how that's going to end). And most importantly, you don't feel the pressure of kissing your date goodnight when it wasn't even a date to begin with. It's just two friends, having dinner together. So no good night kiss. Simple as that.

Of course, now that you have this and that, things couldn't be better. I mean, you're still friends, and you're having sex with your friend every now and then. But beware, it won't last for long. Sooner or later, this and that won't be sufficient enough. Because sooner or later, you would want the other. And that's when things get complicated.

Because you see, the other is simply, a total relationship. Commitment and responsibility. Calling every day, kissing goodnight, spending the night. Those are all in the other. And now that you have this, that and the other, you are now officially, a couple.

Not that there is anything wrong with that. But if things didn't work out, then just remember, you might lose this. And you will definitely won't have that with her anymore. Ever.

The last day of the year

It's that day again, the last day of the year.

It happens every year. The same old routine. People wishing others happy new year, people making new resolutions, people driving around in their cars honking everyone else, and people partying like it's the end of the world. It never changes.

I guess some things will never change.

Unless of course, if you win the lottery, or the Power Root instant millionaire contest, and be so rich beyond your wildest dream. Then things will change. For you at least. You won't be worrying about ushering the new year, or even having to work ever again. Why should you? You're rich, and you have money to burn. Let your money work for you.

Oh yes, things will definitely change.

But for the rest of us, it will be the same old routine. The same old job with a 2% pay increase for the new year. That is if you're still have a job. There will be some of us who's unlucky enough to be retrenched. Yes, the economy is not good. Companies are cutting cost everywhere. And that means cutting jobs.

Not a very good year ahead, you might think. And you may be right. But that doesn't mean the world has to stop revolving. Somehow, life will always find a way to be right again. It's the wheel of life, you'll be down sometimes, but most of the times, if you're lucky enough, and determined, you'll be on top. And you'll look down upon the world and thank the blessings that you have received, the roof on top of your head, and the food that you eat everyday. And most importantly, the people that makes your life bearable. Your family and friends. The stranger who said thank you for helping him out while he was in trouble.

So thank you 2008. Thank you for being kind to me. Thank you for blessing me with happiness and a perfect life. Well, it might not be perfect, but to me, it is one. Thank you for completing me, and thank you for making the world a better place. Well, it might not be the best, but it could have been worse.

Let's hope for better times, and better things to come in 2009.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

Let the music be my mood for tonight.

It's funny how you can never fall asleep when you know that you really have to get some sleep. Like the night before an important exam, or the night before your wedding, or even the night before your big trip that you have been planning for months. Of course, it's understandable if you do not get any sleep at all on your wedding night, as couples always do. Your wedding night is supposed to be magical, with plenty of exploring to do, plenty of whispers to share. But then again, you might just be too tired for anything, and sleep like you never slept before. Not that it's a disaster or anything, afterall, you have an eternity of nights to explore and whisper to each other.

It's weird how some people can be really outspoken in writing but act the opposite in the real world. It's like they have split personality, behaving in a certain manner at a certain time. Like a vampire ravaging the night for fresh blood but lies asleep and weak during daylight.

It's mind boggling the way the world works. You always see bad people live happily ever after, be very rich and prosperous, while good people get all the dirt and live miserably for the rest of their lives. It's like karma is working in an amusing way, making sure that bad things always happen to good folks, while good things keep on happening to bad folks.

It's like we're living in a twisted world.

Have you even wonder if there is a parallel universe? Where there is the same world, the same people, the same buildings, but with a different story. A totally completely different story? It's like an alternate timeline, another possibility for the road that was not taken, for the choices that weren't made. Like the movie Sliding Doors, where two possibilities existed when Gwyneth Paltrow missed the train. Both have different consequences, with different story. However, the two universe converge into one reality in the end, with different results.

Just like what the Monty Python boys always say.

When fine is not good enough

So everything is not fine?

Things are not going the way you wanted them to be. Your life seems like a big hole, there's nothing concrete, there is no substance, there is no meaning at all. You grasp for something tangible, something real, but all you get is a shadow of your great self. Just a wisp of something you imagine you would be, and that's all you have.

Nothing more, nothing less.

So you seek deeper, you seek for your inner self. You seek for the meaning of life. You demand some answers, you demand justice.

But you don't even know the questions.

All you know, the answer might be 42. That's what the book says. The question is not important. You can travel the whole galaxy looking for the answer, but in the end, it will always be 42.

But that is besides the point.

Do you notice how people always ended up saying that they are fine when asked about their well-being? You ask them "how are you?", and most of the time, the immediate answer is "I'm fine, thanks". That's the simplest way to answer it anyway. No more explanation is needed, and you're not even sure if they were sincere when asking you in the first place.

The truth is, you're not fine. You are never fine. Things might be fine for a while, but in the long run, you always get back to where you started, which is nowhere. So how the hell do you get away from nowhere? You seem to be moving in circles, you can go a thousand miles away, yet you always return to the exact spot where you began. You seek for that place, for that piece of puzzle to complete your life, to complete yourself, and most importantly, you seek for something that means everything to you.

So in the end, what do you seek?

Extraordinary, and not just fine. But where do you find it?

Now that, is the question to the answer.

Enlightenment

I have found the cure to constipation. Give me a Nobel Prize, give me an Olympic gold medal. I don't mind either. Not that I am constipated to begin with. My faculties are functioning well, thank you. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, or so they say.

I eat apples everyday, yet the doctor is always around. Can't seem to be far away from the doctor. Unless of course if I am a invisible, then I can hide from the doctor, and eat all the apples I want.

No, apples are not the cure to constipation. Nor are bananas. You might think they are, but they only work occasionally. Tennis players eat bananas during breaks, a bite at a time. Then they wrap it back up, and keep the banana in their bag. Not basketballers though. Basketballers drink Gatorade, with most of them preferring the orange one. Every timeouts, there's a cup of Gatorade in their hand. I love Gatorade, but 100 plus is cheaper here. So I drink 100 plus. I buy two bottles everytime I'm down in Carrefour, because that's the limit one can buy. It says so on the shelf: Limit two bottles per customer. Not that I'm complaining, because two bottles can last me for quite a while.

Unless of course if it's a hot day. There's nothing like a tall glass of cold 100 plus to quench your thirst. Or if I'm too lazy to eat dinner, like tonight. Never heard of anyone being too lazy to eat before. It's not like there's no food at home. There's plenty of food. But the act of getting the food and putting it in my mouth, well, I just don't have the stomach for it, literally speaking. Or come to think of it, I think I lost my appetite after taking that cure to constipation that I was talking about earlier. Not that I am constipated or anything, but I've already said that too.

So what is it that's so good that it can cure constipation, and also causes you to lose your appetite? It's available to you once a week, and it runs for about 40 minutes or so. Two words.

Ampang Medikal.

Habeas corpus

When you were a small kid, do you spend most of your time in front of the TV? Or were you the type who goes outside and play with the other neighbourhood kids? I only ventured outside when I was 10 years old, and that was because we moved to a new town where the neighbours are friendlier and the kids are aplenty.

So I made new friends, and played all sort of games and did all sort of mischief with them. Cycled from east to west, and jumped into mudholes and streams. But I still have my regular dosage of TV, with cartoons always the top priority. I guess that's why I'm still hooked to cartoons even until now, life is just different without them. Of course, the cartoons nowadays are a whole lot different from the ones back then. There are more silly cartoons nowadays, and the jokes are a little harder to understand if you're a five year-old kid. Back then, the theme is simpler, with good always prevailing over evil, and there is always a moral in each episodes.

A was also hooked to Sesame Street back then. I just love Big Bird, Snuffy, Bert and Ernie (rumors have it that they are a gay couple), Kermit the Frog, Cookie Monster and Count Von Count. I think I learnt quit a lot from watching the show.

And you know how in each episode there is the word of the day, and also the number of the day? Well, if you read the newspaper and watch the news for the past week, you will notice that the word of the day for last week is habeas corpus. Personally, I have no idea what it means, because that word has never been the word of the day in Sesame Street. But you can always google it and find the meaning online.

As for the number of the day, that would be 47, because that is the number that the word habeas corpus appeared in the newspaper (The Star) last week. And I know this because I actually counted it.

What? You don't believe me? Well, feel free to count it then!

The songs in my head

It's amazing what some songs can do for you. Some songs can inspire, some can invoke certain memories and feelings. Some songs make you happy, some songs make you sad. And some songs, when inserted in the background of a scene on TV or movies, can really make a big difference.

Makes you wonder, if you can have a song playing in the background of every major events in your life, what would it be?

I have this weird habit of listening to the same song over and over again, until the words and tune get stuck inside my head. There are plenty of songs inside my head, playing over and over again. I guess that's why I don't need to stick those earphones into my ears to listen to music everywhere I go, because all my favourite songs are stored inside my head.

But if you think that's weird, there's more. There comes a certain time in my life, when suddenly a song will be played inside my head, with no reasons at all. And somehow, the song just complete the moment. Like I'm in a movie or something. Maybe I watch too much TV. Or maybe I imagine things too much. Or maybe I'm just plain weird.

I remember when I broke up with my ex a few years back, I had My Immortal by Evanescence playing inside my head during the break-up. And it was such a tragic, sad song that it almost drove me crazy. And nowadays when I listen to the song, I can't help but to remember that day. Not that it invoke anymore feelings, it's just a bittersweet memory.

And when I run, I have High by James Blunt playing in my head. Somehow, it is such a calm song and it provides the right rhythm for me to run. Yes, I know, I might be influence my the music video where a man was running throughout the song. But that's the song that transfixed me to keep running, even when my body is telling me to stop.

Other songs that keep on repeating over the years are Linger by Cranberries, Painting in My Mind by Tommy Page, Everytime by A1, Here With Me by Dido, Wherever You May Go by The Calling and You Were Meant For Me by Jewel. Yes, most of them are sappy sad songs, but that's because I'm a sappy sad person.

And because I'm in no mood for happy tunes now.

A year later

Today marked my first anniversary as a blogger. A year ago, a good friend of mine persuaded me to blog, to the extend of creating this blog and passing it to me. Hence Ardy's Anatomy was born, and I started writing, mostly about stuffs in my head. Yeah, there was a time when my head was a huge treasure chest, with plenty of surprises and adventures just waiting to be discovered and shared.

That seemed like a lifetime away. Looking back, I can't even remember myself at that point of life. I think I was slightly unhappy at that time. A little overworked, but enjoying the challenges. Lonely at times, but how can you be lonely when you have such great friends to keep you company?

Yes, friendships. They are the salvation to a broken heart, a cure to loneliness, and a light in growing darkness. They keep you sane most of the times, and fill your days with joy and laughter. Of course there are the occasional blips somewhere along the way, but you tend to get through them. And as you do, the bond of friendships grow stronger, and it makes you wonder, how lucky you are to be blessed with such friends.

If you are given the opportunity to go back in time and visit your past self, what would you tell yourself? Would you lead your past self to road to riches, or would you impart wisdom that you've acquired through aging? Or would you just sit back, and watch yourself do the things that you did years ago?

I saw myself a few days back. I was standing at the end of a long clear road, and there at the other end, stood my past self. He was staring at me. He looked eager yet tired. Something must be bothering him, I thought. I tried talking to him, but the distance was too far that I couldn't get my words across to him. So we just stood there on opposite ends, staring and thinking.

How do you heal a broken heart? No, you do not drink until you're drunk, or sleep until you're sore. Nor do you jump into another relationship. You heal it by letting the best cure work it wonders. Time.

Let time heal the pain. In time, you'll feel better, be better. In time, you'll look back and reflect on your mishaps. And learn. And live.

If I get a penny for every tears that I drop, I will never be a millionaire in my lifetime. Maybe I need to cry more. Not for me, but for others. For the world. But it's such a beautiful world out there. Maybe I should be more pessimistic.

One day, one fine day, you will realise, that the world does not revolve around you. One day you will realise that the world is round.

And what goes around, comes around.

Rainy day man

I love the rain. Sometimes, I just sit outside and watch the raindrops fall from the sky. I always dream of lying down on the ground and watch the rain falls into my eyes. Tried it before actually, and discovered that dreaming about it is more pleasant than actually doing it.

Lately, it hasn't been raining as often as before. It used to rain almost everyday, heavy evening rain. Not a good time to be on the road, since rainy days mean bad traffic. Nowadays, there is more sunshine, and the mornings can get really hot. Parched hot. The kind of hot that makes you want to spend the day indoors in an air-conditioned room, or maybe soaked in the swimming pool. And definitely not stuck in a bad traffic crawl in the car with the air-conditioning not working.

The wind has also make limited appearance nowadays, preferring to blow someplace else instead. With the hot sun and no wind, temperature has been high, and the same can also be said with some people's tempers. Weird how the word temperature seems to come from the root word temper. Not that it has any relations, come to think of it. But if there was a research done to study the relationship between temper and temperature, I'm sure the results would show that they are proportional to each other. In other words, it would show a linear relationship.

But I digress. It's easy to let your tempers run wild when the conditions are set for it, like a fire being fed with kerosene, or a hungry dog being thrown a piece of meat. And it's a lot easier to just let it loose, and hurt the people around you. But most of the time, it's the people you love who gets hurt, and in the end, all you'll end up with are regrets, and most probably, lesser friends.

There are times when I can feel my temper flaring up, and I would close my eyes and count to three, and take a deep breath. But in that 3 seconds, plenty of things are going on in my mind. I would play the scenario of me losing my temper, and how the consequences would effect me, and the people around me. After a while, that would calmed me down, and I would be able to think rationally.

Of course, it depends on the situation too. I think I lose my temper more when I'm in my car, driving. It's very easy to get angry and start cursing when inconsiderate drivers are all around you. Then again, the AC in my car has gone busted, so that probably explains why lately there were more cursing while I'm cruising along the road.

That's why I'm glad when it rains. Somehow, the sound of the rain soothe the beast in me, and keep my temper in check. And the air is a lot cooler too. It's easier to be calmer on rainy days. Well, as long as there are no flash floods around, because that would make me even madder.

I hope it rains tomorrow, because I miss the rain.

V is for Valentine

Call me a romantic fool, but I always look forward to Valentine's Day. Not that I celebrate it, since I've been single for as long as I can remember, but it's heartening to read and hear about those lucky ones who have someone to celebrate it with.

Which reminds me, The Imam at the mosque I went to for Friday's prayer last week did a sermon about how celebrating Valentine's Day is haram, since the day originated from a Christian martyr with the same name. But then again, so is celebrating Deepavali, Christmas and other festivities, come to think of it. Well, that's what they said anyway.

Nowadays, Valentine's Day has more commercial values rather than what it is supposed to mean. It's a day when the price of flowers goes up like a rocket being launched, and expensive restaurants become more expensive, and are only accessible through reservations. Flowers and expensive candlelight dinner. I guess it doesn't take much to win a girl's heart nowadays. Oh yes, don't forget that perfect gift (a diamond ring, or a diamond pendant, perhaps) to totally sweep her off her feet.

My first Valentine's experience was a little comical. I think I was only 9 at that time, and it wasn't like I have a girlfriend at that time. But I happened to befriended this sweet little girl who lived behind my house, and we were sort of dating (well, more like playmates). But I would love to imagine that we were dating, since most of the time we were playing house and we always imagine ourselves as husband and wife.

Anyway, come Valentine's Day that year, I gave her some flowers, but since I couldn't afford to buy any, and I couldn't find any pretty enough that I could pluck, I did the next best thing that was possible. I cut pictures of flowers from magazines, and pasted them on cardboards which I then cut into the appropriate shape. And I remember sharing with her a bar of chocolate, which I smuggled out from the fridge in my house. And what did I get in return? Well, I think I'll keep that to myself (get that thought out of your mind, we were only 9 years old at that time!)

Fast forward a few years, when I was in secondary school, the value of Valentine's Day sort of diminished, most probably because I was in a boarding school and we were warned by those righteous brothers not to celebrate it in any way. But being quite popular with the opposite sex, I was showered with the occasional gift, and love letters, although most of them came anonymously.

Anyway, my last Valentine was quite a success. I cooked dinner for my girlfriend at that time (yes, I finally had one, and we were a couple, not playmates). I managed to coaxed my housemates to leave the house for the night (it involved an exchanged of cash) and did quite a romantic setting, with candles and flowers and nice music in the background. My spaghetti turned up well, and she was totally taken by the whole thing. My reward, well, needless to say, it was definitely better than the one I received when I was 9 years old.

So do I have any plans for this year's Valentine? Most probably not. But you'll never know. I might change my mind at the very last minute. But wait a minute, I'm missing an important ingredient for the whole thing to take place. I don't have a girlfriend.

Hope

Aristotle claimed that hope is the dream of a waking man. While Lord Byron thought that hope is nothing but the paint on the face of Existence; the least touch of truth rubs it off, and then we see what a hollow-cheeked harlot we have got hold of. But Seademon found a better meaning to hope, it's a hotel in Pennsylvania.

But then again, you can get a better meaning of hope from here. It's a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life.

Something that you need to believe in. So does this mean a pessimist cannot hope?

Hope is indeed a dangerous thing. And Raistlin Majere summed it up very well. It is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it. It can drive a man insane.

But we keep on hoping. We keep on hoping for better things to come. We keep on hoping for a better tomorrow. And we keep on hoping for happiness, and everlasting love.

But most of the time, things which you do not hope happen more than things which you do hope. That's life for you. Some people call it the irony of life. Alanis Morissette sang about it, "And life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything has gone wrong and everything blows up in your face."

And of course, expecting something for nothing is the most popular form of hope. We prefer to just hope for a better everything, be it a better job with a better pay, or a better health. Yet, we do not do anything about it. That is when hope turns into a wish. And wish turns into dreams. And we sit all day long daydreaming about nice things, and a better tomorrow.

So, does this mean that you must not hope to be something more than you can be? Should you just settle with being you? Should you just be happy with what you have, and what you have achieved?

You need hope. You need to know that tomorrow will be better than today. And that is why we live on hope, like so many others born into this uncertain world.

There's hope for everyone. That's what makes the world goes around. That's what makes us keep on living. No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible. And those who give up on hope and love, will never achieve anything in this world. We need to know that the greatest joy are found not only in what we do and feel, but also in what we hope for. A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love.

Hope changes everything, doesn't it?

At the end of the day, I think Thomas Carlyle said it all, "He who has health, has hope; and he who has hope, has everything."