Tuesday, July 31

The Boogeyman

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

When I was a kid, I really believed that the boogeyman existed. Since my bedtime was at 9pm, I was allowed to sleep in my parents’ room with the door slightly ajar, since their room was just across the hallway, and I could see my dad sitting on the couch watching TV while I'm lying on their bed. After a while, I would doze off and my dad would carry me to my room, which was at the back of the house, all creepy and dark, and tucked me in.

And I would lie there, on my bed, half-asleep, half-awake, imagining about the monster under my bed. I remember that I could never go to sleep in the dark, and so my dad always leave the door ajar, so some light from the hallway would steal into my room, creating myriads of dancing shadows against the rotating fan. And so I would fall asleep, dreaming about dancing boogeymen, creeping and crawling all over my small room.

I guess, that's why sometimes I still sleep with the light on. No, I am not afraid of the dark anymore. It's just that I like to read before I go to sleep, and sometimes I'm just too lazy to walk to the light switch. But I still believe that the boogeyman exists, in another 8-years old mind.

Last night episode of Criminal Minds was about a small town in Ozona, Texas, where someone was killing children. And it was up to the team to catch the killer, before he strikes again. There was a myth in the town about the big haunted house on the hill, where supposedly an old man who lived there tortures children and eats them. If you miss the show, you can read all about it here.

In the end, they discovered that the killer wasn't the old man, he was not even an adult. The killer was an 8-years old kid, whose parents just divorced, and the dad was the local guidance counsellor. The kid was trying to bash up a girl with a baseball bat when he was apprehended. When asked why he killed those kids, this was his reply:

Gideon: Why'd you hurt those kids?
The kid/killer: Because I wanted to.

And because he chose to.

And when I was eight, all I had to deal with was the boogeyman under my bed.

Monday, July 30

Butterflies in the gut

It's called a premonition.

Sometimes people associate a premonition with de ja vu.

And if you must know, Phoebe of the Charmed Ones, has it as one of her powers. All she needs to do is touch something or someone, and she will get a vision, sometimes of the past, sometimes of the future about the thing or the person that she touches.

No, I do not have the power. All I have is my guts, to provide me with the occasional gut feeling, and my heart, to give me some intuition. Sometimes, I also depend on my little pinky on my left hand. In dire situations, the pinky will start to tingle a little; the tingling varies depending on the direness of the situation. There were times when it shakes violently, leaving me no choice but to abandon all hope and duck for safety. Of course, my pinky-alarm doesn't work all the time, it only kicks in once in a blue moon.

But gut feeling, now that is another story. I get it all the time that sometimes my stomach churns and twists in an unimaginable way. Depending on the feeling, sometimes I have to slap myself 10 times to get a grip on reality. Yes, I can be quite superstitious too, but that is another tale to tell some other time.

I woke up this morning with some ill feeling in my gut. I've tried to vanish it immediately, but as the time pass by, the feeling is still there, like a small wooden splinter being lodged at the tip of your finger, you try to get it out but the more you tried, the deeper it went in. Definitely an irritating feeling, and until you can find a pair of tweezers, the splinter will always be there.

It's the same with what I'm feeling right now. At least the feeling is constant, it's not getting any stronger. I guess sleep might be a good remedy, and hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow morning with no more splinters in my gut.

Friday, July 27

Bodyless kitten and the ear-scarred cat

My ever-so-pregnant cat finally gave birth to 4 little kittens a few weeks ago. Three of them are black, with streak of greys and white, while the other one is white with a black head. The mother cat chose the mailbox of my neighbour as her base. Luckily it's an empty house, else the inhabitants will get a shock of their life when they check their mailbox and instead of letters, discover that there are kittens inside.

However, the mailbox is not weatherproof, so I made her a small snugly place on my front porch to house her kittens. Using an old wardrobe, courtesy from my sister, the mother cat is now cosily housed. Of course I would prefer them to stay indoors, but she refuses to be confined, being used to her freedom.

The arrangement works nicely, until yesterday morning. Before leaving for work, I checked on them as usual, and to my horror, discovered that there were only 3 kittens left. Upon proper check, I noticed that there were 3 kittens and a bodiless head in the wardrobe! Apparently, the 2-weeks old kitten has been eaten, with only the head and the bones sticking out from the head remained.

Now, I've watched enough CSI to do my own investigations, but already being late for work, I had no choice but to leave the crime scene and investigate the massacre later. It was definitely puzzling. I heard of cats who eat their young's, but that normally happens during the birth, when the mother cat is so weak that it needs to eat in order to survive. But this? Definitely puzzling.

When I got back from work, I straight away removed the head (there was already a distinct smell). The head was still wet. And I got another shock, when I discovered that another kitten was lying in there motionless. Dead. And so the mystery thickens.

And I also noticed, that another of my cat, the orange one, has a very bad gash on his left ear, like something had bitten on it. Now, what the heck happened here?

I buried the head and the dead kitten in one grave. The mother cat looked distress, she was meowing and meowing, trying to tell me what happened. Of course, it would have helped if I had learnt cat language in college instead of all the useless programming subjects.

I think what happened was another cat from the neighbourhood, the big light-brown male which I always see stealing my food, had came along and ate the kitten. My orange cat, being the protector of the house, fought him off, but was bitten and scampered off hiding under the car. The victor, after swatting away the mother cat, proceeded to devour the white kitten.

Or, my orange cat suddenly had a craving for fresh meat, and decided to eat the kitten. The mother cat fought him off and bit his eat, but being bigger and stronger, he managed to subdue the mother cat and ate the kitten. But I don't think my orange cat is that cruel, because I had him since he was a wee kitten, and he is picky when it comes to food.

Of course, the mother cat herself could have eaten her kitten. If that is the case, then it's definitely a puzzling one.

Whatever it is, I have moved the other two kittens inside, where I can keep a closer eye on them.

Thursday, July 26

Drowning on dry land

Some quotes from this week's episode:

Meredith: [narrating] Like I said, disappearances happen. Pains go phantom. Blood stops running and people, people fade away. There's more I have to say, so much more, but... I disappeared.

George: Do you know how massive this hospital is? How people - not just sick people - not to mention if I'm a little kid, how places can I hide? He's little. He's... a little kid can hide anywhere.
Alex: You're lookin' for a kid?
George: Yeah. His mom's in surgery and if I don't find this kid Bailey is going to change her son's middle name to Elvis or Tupperware... anything will be better than George.
Alex: I know where a kid might be.
George: Really?

Izzie: I'm gonna need a drill.
Friend: I got one in my trunk.
Other friend: What do you need a drill for?
Izzie: I gotta drill holes in your friend's head.

Alex: I would notice.
Addison: What?
Alex: I would notice...if you were missing, I would notice.

Izzie: People die in front of us everyday. But I believe Meredith will survive this. I believe, I believe, I... I believe in the good. I believe that it's been a hell of a year and I believe that, in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, that we will be okay. I believe a lot of things. I believe that... I believe that Denny is always with me... and I believe that if I eat a tub of butter and no one sees, that the calories don't count. And I believe that surgeons who prefer staples over stitches are just lazy. And I believe that you are a man that made a terrible mistake marrying Callie and I believe that because I'm your best friend I can tell you this and we can be okay. I believe that even though you made this mistake you will be okay. I believe we survive, George. I believe that believing we survive... is what makes us survive.

The eternity dance

"May I steal your date for a moment?" He asked after a long period of gathering his will and strength.

"Well, only for a moment, okay," the boy answered.

"I promise, I'll return her to you in one piece", he winked.

He ushered her towards the dance floor. She was a bit reluctant, since dancing was not really her specialty. But he assured her, and the dance floor was dim, and so she followed. The music was flowing, and they were playing Selena's 'I could fall in love'. He smiled at her, took a deep breath, held her hand and wrapped his other hand around her waist, And slowly they danced, awkwardly at first, but getting better and better as the song went on.

"You like me, don't you?" She asked, trying to break the silence and his stare. He blushed even more.

"It shows, isn't it?" He replied, trying to sound casual.

"Yup, your face is red!" She giggled. Even in the dim light she can see his crimson red face.

"Well, I can't help it. I mean, you can't blame someone for liking you right? Anyway, my feelings, I keep to myself. It's just that I can't resist you, you're desirable, do you know that?" He tried to defend himself.

"But you know I already have someone, and I love that someone deeply." She said. He sighed deeply.

"Yes, I do. It's okay though. Just knowing you, just knowing that you are around, keep me on. Gives me faith. And my heart is aching badly. But it's okay. I'm happy as long as I know you're happy," he told her slowly.

She gave him the sweetest smile he ever saw, and put her head on his shoulder. He just couldn't believe his luck. Slowly, he inhaled her scent. Oh God! How nice the feeling is. She even smells nice, he thought.

"Thank you," she whispered in his ears.

And as the song faded away, he kept his grip on her, and wished that it would last forever, for this was the only moment and time that he could be as close as ever to her. And finally, the earth resisted, time went stale, and they were together, forever.

(9th October 1999)

Wednesday, July 25

The Big Lie

It's hard to remember the last time I had someone to share my meals with. Nowadays, meals are such a bother because I hate eating alone, that most of the time I just stick to oatmeal. At least I get to watch TV while eating it at home.

By the way, is there such thing as an overdose of oatmeal?

Because if there is, I think I'm having the symptoms.

My digestive system is so efficient that whatever goes into me get processed in less than an hour. That means, if I eat 3 meals a day, I'll be going to the toilet for the exact same number of times. And I also noticed that now, there is an after smell, not a very pleasant one, when I'm done. It was odourless before oatmeal came into my life.

A few mornings ago, I had a craving for the McD Big Breakfast. The advertisement has been on TV for quite some time, and being a couch potato (eventhough I don't really have a couch), I have seen it numerous times. You know, the one where the couple woke up early at 4am and then went to McD, saying good morning! with a big smile.

And so there I was, a few mornings ago, with bleary eyes and not a hint of a smile on my lips, in one of those 24-hours McD. I eagerly ordered the Big Breakfast and sat down to devour my meal. But somehow, after seeing the whole meal, I wonder why they called it the big breakfast. When all it consisted was some scrambled eggs, a thin piece of meat, a pocket of hash brown, two slices of bread and a cup of coffee (refillable). The one on TV looks much bigger than the one in front of me!

I could eat 2 sets and still not feeling full. Regrets started to creep inside my mind, seeing that for RM8.04(inclusive of tax), I could get a really good breakfast consisting of a plate of nasi lemak with chicken and tempeh, 2 roti canai and a cup of coffee.

My point is, I didn't go to the toilet that morning. Nope, apparently, the word big is just a misconception. Even my digestive system didn't recognise it as a meal (more like a snack!)

Needless to say, I went home still feeling hungry, and went straight to bed.

Monday, July 23

Disappearing Megan

A few days ago, a friendly voice called me up and talked me into seeing her at her workplace. You see, she's a sales consultant and she works in a gym.

Being a polite person (and a sucker) as I am, I set the appointment and drove to PJ one rainy night. She promised me a 7-days free pass, and a free gift. Being a sucker to the word free, I gladly said yes to her. She also has this nice sweet voice, kinda flirty, and being a sucker to nice sweet flirty voice, I was punctual and kept to my appointed time.

You see, I'm such a sucker.

I reached the newly opened shopping mall 15 minutes early. Not knowing how much they charge for the parking fees inside the mall, and seeing that there was a good parking spot just outside of the mall, I parked my car there and walked up to the gym. I went up to the front desk and smiled at the girl in purple uniform there.

"I have an appointment with Megan at 9", I told her confidently.

She ushered me to a waiting area with posh seats and plenty of other sales consultants pitching to potential customers.

After a while, a guy in purple uniform approached me, introduced himself as Jay, and started asking me questions.

I wasn't expecting a guy. I was expecting a female with a nice sweet flirty voice by the name of Megan. And judging by the name, Megan should be a hottie. I know Megan Shaughnessy, and she has great legs. And I always have a soft spot for Megan Follows because she played my favourite character ever in a movie. And don't let me get started with Megan Fox, now she is a sex bomb.

"What happened to Megan?" I enquired the fast talking Jay.

Jay apologised on Megan's behalf for not being able to meet me now. He then proceeded to give me a quick tour of the facilities, which included an under construction 30m swimming pool. We were breezing by everything, which I didn't really like, because I was hoping for something like a grand tour. Megan promised me a 30 minutes tour.

But Jay is Jay, and not Megan, so the tour ended in less than 10 minutes. Of course, by this time, my interest has waned away. I wasn't even given a free gift, as promised by Megan. And instead of a 7-days free pass, all I got was a 4-days free pass.

I voiced out my disappointment to Jay, where he apologized yet again and proceeded to give me lame excuses. That was when I know that my time there was done.

I half-heartedly thanked him and left the gym.

Seeing that this is a new mall, I decided to browse around. But nothing has yet to open, except for a Coffee Bean and a Subway. I got myself a foot-long sandwich, and headed to my car. It was raining quite heavily at that time, so I had to wait for a while before I can walk to the car.

I was feeling dejected because overall, it was a wasted trip. The only consolation I could think of was the sandwich I bought, because it really looked appetizing, and I was really hungry at the time.

The rain eased a bit, and I headed home.

Little did I know that I had a surprise waiting for me when I got home. Tuck neatly but very wet on my windscreen underneath the wiper, is a ticket.

Apparently I parked at a no-parking area, and now I owe MBPJ RM100.

Did I mention that I am a sucker?

Saturday, July 21


Rage. Intensifying rage. It can cause you to do anything. It can make you cross that line, the line you've drawn and sworn not to cross. It can make you loose your mind, and be somebody else, somebody you never knew you could be.

And it can change your life.

The human mind is weak. We can be influenced easily by our surroundings and the people around us. We break when put under intense pressure. We fold and run when faced with a major crisis.

Sometimes, we even wish that we can just shut off the mind, dull the pain.

Or even reboot it. Start anew. Fresh. Clean slate.

But running is never a solution. Trying to forget is also not a solution. And letting rage takes control of your life is definitely not a solution too.

I was watching Criminal Minds last night and the episode really shaken me to bits. My blood ran cold, and my weak heart was telling me not to watch anymore. I have to say, Criminal Minds deal with the behaviour of the criminals, and focus less on the crime. Unlike CSI, it touches more on the human side, and why people do what they do. And the exploration into the mind of the unsub can be really scary sometimes. You can see how broken and twisted someone can be, to push them to commit things that they won't normally do.

The unsub this time was a bank robber. But he wasn't your typical ordinary bank robber, go in, rob and flee. He was a twisted sadistic robber, who forced the hostages to strip and performed certain sexual deeds in front of everybody. And it got worse as he went on a rampage. He even killed those who refused him, including children. And it was up to the BAU team to get him before he kills again.

Anyway, you can read (if you missed the episode) about it all here.

Sometimes, when all that matters failed, we create our own fantasies in our mind. And we live those fantasies in the real world.

And I know I'm capable of that. Now that, is a scary thought.

Friday, July 20

Walk on water

Some quotes from this week's episode:

Meredith : I did not try to drown myself in the bathtub ...
Izzie : Hey ... I ate everything out of the refrigerator last night, everything, including a tub of butter. There is no judgement here.

Christina: Meredith, I have a thing.. news..
Meredith: You aren't pregnant again, aren't you? Because I can't handle the extra months of bitchiness.

Izzie: What kind of situation? Fire? Flood? Volcano? Because I'm not really dressed for a volcano.

Alex: [to patient] Hey. I'm not going to be able to make it to your surgery. Here's the thing. You were crushed underneath a cement pylon. Dozens of people on that ferry boat died, but you're still alive. So when I come back to check on you after the surgery, you better still be alive. All right? You hear me? Alright.

Richard: What’s the news?
Mark: Shepherd and Grey are on the rocks, Burke and Yang got engaged... You need highlights. In your hair, that’s why it looks so odd.
Richard: [stares blankly]
Mark: [smiles] I’m gonna go save lives!

Callie: Okay, I'm not trying to... take the clinic. Bailey's clinic, by the way. I'm offering to help.
Sydney: Your offer to help is duly noted and very much appreciated, but I promise you, got it all under control. So, Jason Kay?
Callie: Fine! I'll leave you to it and find myself a recently traumatized emergency surgery to scrub in on, while you stay down here with your sore throat and your sprain and oh... what was it, what was it?
Sydney: Tummyache.
Callie: Ooh.

Thursday, July 19

Happy feet

I switched my basketball shoes to my football boots last night. Figuratively. Instead of playing basketball, I stayed home and watched the big game on TV. No, I didn't go to the stadium, and yes, it was a big game. All eyes (okay, maybe only the fanatics and curious) were on them. Everyone is passing judgement to them. And I thought, it's only fair to see them play first before I start throwing accusations and profanities at them. And seeing that this was their last game in the tournament, I just have to see it for myself.

The coach switched to an all-defensive team this time, probably trying to patch up the leaky defence. 6 defenders were deployed, with only one striker set as the target man, more like a hamster in a cage, a lot of running amounting to nothing.

But the defence held. Everyone was expecting a rout by the 48-ranked Iranians, but instead, at halftime, we were only one goal down, courtesy from the referee who awarded a penalty for a soft tackle in the box. And just before halftime, we had the only highlight of our game. In one of the counter-attacks, a player ran down the right flank, sidestepped an Iranian defender, saw some space opening up, and fired a well-placed shot that brought the best save out of the goalkeeper. That had to be the best moment of the game for our side and it brought cheers from the small number of supporters. Even the commentators were excited too.

Second half started the same way, with our team defending deep and the visitors controlling the ball, the pace, the space and everything else. Waves after waves of attacks were unleashed, and repelled, thanks to the excellent goalkeeping and desperate defensive lines. But I watch with trepidation knowing that the boys will tire soon, and more goals will be conceded by defending too deep. After all, isn't attack the best form of defence?

Finally, after squandering numerous chances, the visitors scored another goal. But that's about it. With the respectable scoreline, considering we are a 101 placed behind Iran in the world ranking, I think the boys can held their head a little bit higher for their gritty performance.

However, the same couldn't be said about the coach. He was sensationally axed by FAM, but what else could you expect. The previous two drubbings sealed his fate, even before the final game. During the press conference after the game, he told the press that he felt that he wasn't given enough time to mould the team. And his last words before leaving, “Look we have nothing to lose by playing these bigger teams. We must learn from our experiences.”

And so we will. But to what extend? That is yet to be seen. And maybe we still have a long way to go, and instead of targeting to qualify for World Cup 2018 (that is FAM target for Malaysian football), we should really set our sight closer to home. Like the SEA games. When was the last time we won the gold medal in football? Come to think of it, I can't even remember.

Another interesting thing, the guest commentator last night was none other than Azman Adnan, the ex-national player who played for the country a decade ago. The funny thing is, I do not remember him for his footballing heroics. No, what I remember instead is him being banned for six months for hanging out till late at a dangdut club in Indonesia during a tournament there, and then marrying hottie Haliza (she was a hottie a decade ago). That lasted only for a while, though. Funny how we don't seem to remember our footballers for what they did on the field.

But maybe that's how it is in Malaysia. And that's how it's going to be for years to come.

Tuesday, July 17

The night listener

I believe in love. And in everything associated with love. I believe that I am a good lover, loyal and considerate, true and caring. I believe that you can never love someone too much. I believe that when I give my heart away, I will never get it back again.

And so I love wholeheartedly.

This is what happened when you have faith in love. You read too many sappy fictions, watch too many movies with happy endings, and watch people around you get married and raise a family. And you look at your parents and you envy them.

Yes, I do envy them. They've gone through hardships, raised 5 children, worked and prayed for happiness, and God answered their prayers. It might not be all sugar and spice along the way. No, it was filled with tears and heartbreaks and pain. But at the end of the day, it was all worthwhile.

And they are happy.

I want to be like them. I want to be happy. I want to raise my own kids. I want to go through hardships, because I believe going through hard times build your character and values. I want to cry and laugh and be able to share my deepest fear with my other half. And I want to grow old together, waking up next to each other every morning, and going to sleep comfortably at night, knowing I'm sleeping next to the person I love. And knowing that if I wake up in the middle of the night, I can hear her breathing softly next to me, and I can put my face near to hers and feel the warmth from her breath, and listen to her breathing. And watching her sleep.

Life can't get any better than that.

Because in the end, what matters most, is the person you love. The person you want to grow old together.

Have you found that person yet?

Thursday, July 12

Bicentennial Man

Lately, I've noticed that time has been flying past swiftly, day by day, week by week, month by month. I guess it's good, it means that I've been busy, not to notice the passage of time as it flows away from me. Before I knew it, it's already a new month, just when I was about to settle into my normal routine.

The problem is, I can't really recall the time that I've used. I know I spent most of my time at work, on average 9 hours there. I sleep for 6 hours. So there's still 9 hours unaccounted for.

9 hours is a lot of time. I guess half of that is spent in front of the TV, seeing how particularly attached I am to it. Not that I couldn't live without TV. And I don't even have cable. Imagine if I do subscribe to one, then it would be 10 hours in front of the TV.

But that's not how I want to spend a big chunk of my life. That's why I didn't subscribe to cable. That and because it's freaking expensive.

If you can live forever, would you be wasting your time away? Would you sleep the whole day? Would you just sit at the beach staring at the crashing waves? Would you lie down on the green grass in the park and watch the clouds in the sky? Or would you commit a crime and spend some time in prison?

Immortality is frightening. Having all the time in the world, it's a scary thought. The scariest part is to watch your loved ones grow old and die. Loneliness, that would be your greatest enemy. Yes, you can always make new friends, find new love, and have more children, but to what extend?

Sometimes, dying is the way out.

Even when you know and believe that there is an afterlife.

Wednesday, July 11

What dreams may come

It's funny how folks tend to open up to strangers. The comfort of strangers, they might say. You might be wary when you talk about personal stuffs to your friends, especially if it involves really intimate or humiliating details. Of course, that is what a best friend's for, but what if you don't have one?

But it's easier to open up with strangers who seem to care.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't think anyone would just walk up to you while you are waiting for the LRT, and start babbling about his desire to fondle his sister. No, that will not happen. A stranger who cares normally have this aura of careness, if there is such a word, and that attracts people of all ages to talk to this stranger. He might be someone in a worn-out clothes, or someone with a messy hair, or even someone with a pink necktie. It doesn't matter how he looks like, or what he wears. He doesn't even have to smile, just let the aura do everything.

Recently, I acquired this so-called-aura, and before I could get used to it, or hide it well, someone approached me. A complete stranger. Totally out of the blue. And just like that, the person poured out her heart to me. We moved to a nearby stall, and for almost 4 hours, she just talked, cried and talked more. I didn't have to do anything, except to sip my hot tea and nod my head occasionally.

It was a weird experience, and it left me drained at the end of the session. The emotional trauma was there, the problems were real. It's a wonder she had survived this far.

We all live our life the best way we could. Or at least tried. We want the best for everything and the biggest of everything (except for a big ass, no one wants a big ass). It's how and what we are taught from a very early age. But somewhere along our lives, the people around us, the environment, and the world change the way we think. And we grow up being less than perfect, and running into all sorts of problems.

But that is part of being human. And if you think it's easier to be a cat instead, you are wrong. My cat is pregnant again, and she's been carrying her babies for quite some time now. She's depressed, and distressed, because she's pregnant again. And from the looks of it, I think there are at least 5 kittens inside.

What's a cat to do? Especially when she's always horny and the stranger kind enough to feed her everyday is too busy to take her to the vet. She just can't go to the clinic and tell the doctor to fix her up. She's a cat.

And here we are complaining about being human.

Would you like to be a cat now?