My first love letter

My dearest Ardy,

Hullo, how are you now? have you missed me yet? Don't ask me about my true feelings right now because I am feeling rather miserable about everything... my studies, the weather, my mom, my dad, my brothers and sister, everything! I miss everybody, whom I left in Malaysia, especially YOU. I don't know whether I would survive this feeling thinking that it's only 3 days and not even a week yet I start wishing that everybody is here with me.. urghh.. what a feeling.

Actually, there's so much things which I wish to tell you until I don't know where to start. Hmm.. let me tell you from the day I left Malaysia and you. Do you remember when I told you that Subang will be flooded with my tears and everything? Well, I thought that I was going to cry but through some miracle way, I didn't shed even a tear. So, don't you ever cry when you leave your family okay or I'll be the first person to laugh at you there. Believe me, I'm everywhere you go! Heh.. heh...

Hmm.. I don't want to talk much on that because I know that you'll be bored to death to hear everything. Well, to be frank, as I write this aerogramme, your photos are safely on my study desk and your letter is still in my hands. Before anything, thanks a lot for the cute and lovely present. I promise to treasure it forever. Telling you the truth, I reread your letter 5 times on the plane. I want to reread it 10 times but then, as the tears started to brim in my eyes, I gave up. I don't know what would you say about that... maybe you will say that I am silly, but as the song goes "wise man says, only fools rush in - but I can't help ..... ". Really, forgive me for all this stupid things I've said but well... I don't know. I've never been in this state of mine like this before!

For your information, I did sent you a present especially for you from UK. I don't know whether it would reach you safely before your departure but I am praying to God that there's nothing going to delay it anyway. Wow.. it seems that the space is really limited. Would you promise me something? Would you write to me immediately after you've known your real address? If you want to know something, I'm really looking forward for your reply. I do miss your voice here and I was tempted a few times to ring you up but thinking twice, especially about money, I cancelled it. Maybe sometime, somewhere, someway, we would be together again, maybe... only God knows. Lastly, do keep in touch and take care of yourself 'coz I really care about you. I miss you very much. Adios!

The room next to the kitchen

I'm home. After a year of exile. And I'm writing again. After months of profound life. Being home always let the floodgate opens again, releasing all the torments and so-called creative ideas pouring out like rain in a hailstorm. And yet, the mind refuses to cooperate, and I am dulled into oblivion.

I'm still in one piece, the tears still hold check inside me, the tongue-lashing hasn't started yet. But the mood is sour, albeit the festive air, and I know as a crow knows it's next meal that it is forthcoming. True as toasted toads. Not that I would want to have any.

I have one week. One week to remember it all, one week to eat all the food I love, one week to get acquainted with my darling bed. For one thing I really love is my room next to the kitchen, with my solid bed, and my hundreds of books and my well-kept secret. For lots are hidden in here, a broken heart is just in one of the locked drawers, the glorious past is another, and all hope buried in the last one. But alas! The white dressing table is mark for deletion. I have to find a way to save it, for it holds more than memories for me. Probably load it up and carry it back with me. But I'm glad I'm in my room now. Probably I should be back more often. Probably.

It's good to be home.

(6th December 2002)

The lying heartbeat

I am losing a battle that hasn't even started. A battle with myself. I am empty inside. My life is going nowhere. I am going nowhere. I am stale, stagnant and dead. The truth really eats me in the inside.

God help me!

The moment of reckoning is upon me. For my life until this point is hanging on the axis of uncertainty, being tilted on both sides every passing breath. There is no light to lead the way, only emptiness and darkness. Even the darkness is seeping away, leaving behind a hollow emptiness. And my heartbeat pounds with every single step that I take.

Dup dap, dup dap, dup dap, dup dap.

Will it ever cease to function? For every breath is a misery. For every living moment is a torment to me. My life is not real, nothing is real anymore. I'm not even in control of my life. A wayward life, that is my life now. Living a lie each single day. A fantasy of realism. What can I do? Where is the faith that has always be my sustenance back on the old days. I guess I must have lost it somewhere along the way.

I am falling, and worse, I am dying. Prematurely. I have to let go, release the fear. For the fear is consuming me. Eating me alive. And spitting out the remaining of my pathetic life. For in the end, my own doings will be my ending.

God, help me!

(29th May 2001)

Falling pieces

I'm thinking of you right now. I'm also thinking about myself and my predicament. About life ending prematurely. About life without anyone. About her.

Why can't I stop thinking about her? Lately, I haven't been dreaming at all. I used to dream every night, and I cherish every dream, come nightmare or sweet dreams. Because dreams are my escape from reality. Dreams are real to me. Everything can happened in a dream.

But now, I don't dream anymore. I don't know why. A part of my life has gone missing. And I need her to fill up the missing part. I need her to accompany me at nights, when dreams are scarce and I'm all alone. Her, and her alone.

I need you like water like rain like air.

Slow life. Crawling like an injured insect. I am dying and rotting away. Pieces of me is falling apart. I need something badly. I need to believe again. I need to live, to forget about the past and look towards the future. And until I do that, I will forever be falling into a bottomless pit. Where light and darkness do not exist at all. And all there is the void. Just the void. And me, falling and falling. Thinking of my previous life, thinking of my life, thinking of my predicament, but not of the future.

And most of the times, thinking of her.

(11th May 2001)

Questions, no answers

Life is short. Death is forever. And hell is eternity. There is no such thing as reincarnation. Yet, there is redemption. Heaven and hell. Reality and fantasy. Eternal suffering or eternal peace. Choose? Can we? Can I?

Is everything predestined? Fixed by a higher order and power? God does exist. That is true, and I believe it. Then how do we live our life? Freedom of choice? Choice? Choice? Do we ever have a choice in the first place?

I need to be next to you. I need to be near to you. I want to understand you. I want to understand myself. I want to understand life. I want to live happily, fulfilling my hopes and dreams. I want to be someone, not anyone. I want to be loved and love. And I want to eat dried apricots when I feel like it. I want to eat seedless red grapes on Monday, and seedless green grapes on the next day. I want to be cold at night. I want to love someone. I have so much love in me, it's spilling out going to waste. Why can't I love someone, and have the love return back to me? Why can't someone become the meaning of my life?

Questions, so many questions. Yet no answers.

Seek the answers someplace where there is no sun and no moon, yet there is day and night. Where the river runs upstream, and life has no meaning whatsoever.

(1st April 2001)

Why does my heart, feels so bad?

Describe a pathetic life. Look at mine, and you've got one. I have such a pathetic life. I have no close friends, I eat alone in my room, I have no girlfriend, I sleep most of the time, I don't talk much, I'm very moody and most of all, I don't have a purpose in life. I look at myself and I feel sorry for myself.

What happened to me? Life wasn't as bad as now before. I've been hitting a downward spiral for the past six years. Down and down I go, without hitting the bottom. And it's an endless journey, for the pit is bottomless. There are no ups and downs in my life, just downs and more downs. I don't even feel the joy from doing the things that I like, such as playing sports. It's like my soul is empty, so empty and hollow. I can hear the echo of my voice when I speak alone to myself.

Yet, I still breathe, I still wake up every morning. I look at the sky sometimes, and I see my life flashing before my eyes. Am I reliving my past? I see no future in me. I see only emptiness and sorrow. Not even darkness exists.

Why does my heart, feels so bad?

Aching. Hurting. Empty. Sorrow. Lonely. The clock is ticking. I can stop the clock, but can I stop the time? I can never stop the time. Time moves on. And so does my pathetic little life, whether I like it or not. I feel so lonely. I feel beaten by life itself. I have lost in my own game. Check, and checkmate.

Why does my heart, feels so bad?

(10th April 2001)

Missing death

Right here with you is where I belong. Do you believe in love of a lifetime? That everybody has somebody? In fate?

Fate. Yes. For the rest of your life. Here with you, near with you. Need to be next to you. Mumbo jumbo plane in a gumbo.

How many days left for me to breathe in this life? I lost count. But the end is near, so near that I can feel it breathing at the back of my neck. Every single breath is precious now, for never will I know which one is the last, until the moment arrives. Melancholy. Infinite sadness. Death is inevitable. Unavoidable.

"Do you want to die?"

"I...I.... I don't know."

(8th February 2001)

Bitter surrender

Maybe I was afraid. Maybe I never tried harder. Maybe I wasn't sure myself. Maybe I thought she would come back to me.

"Ah! All these maybes are driving me insane!"

"There's no point dwelling on the past, boy. Life has to go on. You have to move on. If you stay in the past, you'll never achieve anything in life."

"I know! I know! Don't you think I know? Just let me drown in my sorrows. Just let me be with my misery!"

"No! You're stronger than this. Fight it, fight it boy!"

"......."

Silence. Just my heavy breathing filled the air. The tears have dried. I was calming down. I could see her leaving. I could see her fading away in my mind. I could see her with another man.

"No! Gotta get that out of my mind."

"Help me! God, help me! Anybody! Somebody!"

Just take these memories away.

Just let me sleep, eternally.

(3rd June 2006)

Flying without wings

I was thinking that I might fly today. Just to defy the laws of physics. Just to defy gravity and E=mc2. Let see what they will say then when they see me coasting through the blue sky, with the wind beneath me and my long messy hair scattering behind me. And I will laugh gleefully as I fly by her, and circle a few times around her.

And then I will shoot upwards, and see her disappearing below me. Higher and higher I will fly, where the air is thinner, and the pressure is lower, and my nose starts to bleed. And when tears of blood start trickling down my cheeks, I will pause in midair, take a long good look around, and let myself fall.

No, not gently, but in a rush of wind, with clouds passing by me like a waft of smoke, where potential energy turns into kinetic energy, and I will reach terminal velocity. And in a matter of seconds, I will be beside her again.

In a splatter.

"Honey, I'm back!" I would tell her if I can locate my brain.

(20th January 2006)

The eternity dance

"May I steal your date for a moment?" He asked after a long period of gathering his will and strength.

"Well, only for a moment, okay," the boy answered.

"I promise, I'll return her to you in one piece", he winked.

He ushered her towards the dance floor. She was a bit reluctant, since dancing was not really her specialty. But he assured her, and the dance floor was dim, and so she followed. The music was flowing, and they were playing Selena's 'I could fall in love'. He smiled at her, took a deep breath, held her hand and wrapped his other hand around her waist, And slowly they danced, awkwardly at first, but getting better and better as the song went on.

"You like me, don't you?" She asked, trying to break the silence and his stare. He blushed even more.

"It shows, isn't it?" He replied, trying to sound casual.

"Yup, your face is red!" She giggled. Even in the dim light she can see his crimson red face.

"Well, I can't help it. I mean, you can't blame someone for liking you right? Anyway, my feelings, I keep to myself. It's just that I can't resist you, you're desirable, do you know that?" He tried to defend himself.

"But you know I already have someone, and I love that someone deeply." She said. He sighed deeply.

"Yes, I do. It's okay though. Just knowing you, just knowing that you are around, keep me on. Gives me faith. And my heart is aching badly. But it's okay. I'm happy as long as I know you're happy," he told her slowly.

She gave him the sweetest smile he ever saw, and put her head on his shoulder. He just couldn't believe his luck. Slowly, he inhaled her scent. Oh God! How nice the feeling is. She even smells nice, he thought.

"Thank you," she whispered in his ears.

And as the song faded away, he kept his grip on her, and wished that it would last forever, for this was the only moment and time that he could be as close as ever to her. And finally, the earth resisted, time went stale, and they were together, forever.

(9th October 1999)