The burden of sins

"I'm getting tired, Ardy," she told me.

"It feels like I've been doing this forever, when all I want to do is stop. But I keep going back, keep doing it," she continued.

"It must be frustrating for you, having to go through the same feelings, over and over again," I told her.

"Yes! I just don't know what to do!"

I don't meet her that often. But everytime we met, we'll be talking about the same thing, going through her dilemma, and deciding on her next course of action. But it never materializes, and she's always back where she started.

I first met her 3 years ago. At that time, she was at the lowest point of her life. She was seeking a way out. She even considered ending her life. She talked about it with me, and I sat there, accepting her as she was, and listened to her as she poured out her anguish and misery.

Slowly, like a poison seeping out, she told me everything. She was lost, and lonely. She just wanted someone to talk to. Someone to understand, and someone to accept her.

When she was studying in one of the local university, she stayed with her brother and his wife. Being new to KL, she was fascinated and excited about a lot of things. But things turned bad when her sister-in-law got pregnant. Her brother, being deprived of his usual routine, turned to her, and seduced and forced himself onto her.

She was afraid. Frightened and ashamed. But after a while, she started to enjoy it. And the affair excites her. They would do it late at night, when he would sneak into her room while his unsuspected wife was sound asleep.

After a while, she got addicted to it. She started to ply herself in the real world. She was young, and her body was blossoming. She had curves at the right places, and she knew how to flaunt them. Men went wild for her. But she was selective, very selective, and only chose those who pay her well. In time, she became rich and self-dependent.

Her brother, upon knowing about it, felt betrayed. She moved out and rent her own place, being able to afford it now. And her discreet tryst continued, sometimes with rich married men looking for excitement in their life, sometimes with men she found attractive. But somehow, she's getting tired of it, of everything. She just wants a normal life, she just wants someone who can love her as she loves him.

"Is there still hope for me? Or am I too deep that I'm beyond help?"

She always asked me the same question. And I always told her, even after all these years, that there is always hope to those who are still hopeful, second chance for those who really wish for it. She is still young, and she still has her whole life ahead of her. It is never too late to repent, to start anew, and to turn a new leaf.

"Everybody deserves a second chance," I would tell her.

And she would listen to me, and she would nod her head, and before we parted, she would smile and hug me.

"Thank you, Ardy. Thank you for believing in me, and thank you for being my friend," she would whisper in my ear.

And I would smile, and watch her as she walked away. I pray to God that He will give her the strength to change. And maybe, just maybe, the next time we meet, she will tell me a different story.