Love actually

I am a firm believer of love. I believe everybody deserves to love, and to be loved. I believe there is love out there for everyone.

But having faith alone is not enough to make it real. Because you can believe in something so deep in your life, but if you just sit on your faith and never go about seeking it, it will not come to you. Instead, it will stare at you from afar, wishing that you had come seeking it instead of just believing in it.

Yet there are some of us, who have faith, and who seek for love, but never finding it. There are some who found a semblance of love, and embraced it, only to realise later on that it was not what they seek in the first place. And there are some who got so misguided in the search that they embraced the darkness instead.

But can you feel love, when your heart is shrouded in darkness?

Darkness exists in the absence of light. Just as cold exists in the absence of heat. And hate. Hate exists in the absence of love.

The opposite of love is apathy, and not hate. Hate is really the same as love. If you're so consumed by hatred for someone, you might as well be loving them, because you're thinking about them for the same amount of time. So what is a love-hate relationship?

They always say that you shouldn't hate someone so deeply, because in time, your hate will turn into love. I know this girl who hated this guy so much that she once kicked him in the groin. But they are happily married now, and she has long stopped kicking him in the groin. Instead, she does something else there, to the delight of the guy.

I wish a girl would hate me so much and kick me in the groin and later marry me. But then again, maybe I should be careful of what I wish for.

Because I'm sure there are girls out there who wouldn't mind kicking me in the groin. But that's as much as I get.

Not a comforting thought, come to think of it.

The room next to the kitchen

I'm home. After a year of exile. And I'm writing again. After months of profound life. Being home always let the floodgate opens again, releasing all the torments and so-called creative ideas pouring out like rain in a hailstorm. And yet, the mind refuses to cooperate, and I am dulled into oblivion.

I'm still in one piece, the tears still hold check inside me, the tongue-lashing hasn't started yet. But the mood is sour, albeit the festive air, and I know as a crow knows it's next meal that it is forthcoming. True as toasted toads. Not that I would want to have any.

I have one week. One week to remember it all, one week to eat all the food I love, one week to get acquainted with my darling bed. For one thing I really love is my room next to the kitchen, with my solid bed, and my hundreds of books and my well-kept secret. For lots are hidden in here, a broken heart is just in one of the locked drawers, the glorious past is another, and all hope buried in the last one. But alas! The white dressing table is mark for deletion. I have to find a way to save it, for it holds more than memories for me. Probably load it up and carry it back with me. But I'm glad I'm in my room now. Probably I should be back more often. Probably.

It's good to be home.

(6th December 2002)

The end is near

Being rooted at the bottom of the table in the Champion League group stages is indeed an unfamiliar position for Liverpool. But with two losses and a draw so far, they are at the bottom with one point and 3 more games to go. Of course, 3 more games equal to 9 points, considering they win all 3 remaining matches.

The lost against Besiktas last night couldn't come at a worst time. With a league game against a consistent Arsenal looming over the weekend, Liverpool looked out of sorts and short of ideas. Their long ball tactics were not really producing the goals, and their deployed wingers failed to make a big impact too. They were lucky to win last weekend against Everton, helped by two penalties converted by Dirk Kuyt.

That being said, Liverpool always have a good record in Europe in the past three years. On most occasion, going though the first stage of the group stages have always been a walk in the park for them. Last year, they went all the way to the finals while the year before, their campaign was cut short by Benfica in the quarter finals. And of course, the year before that was the historic win in Istanbul over AC Milan.

Still, they are doing quite well in the league, by their standard. A poor start has always derailed Liverpool's championship hope, but this year, they have done well to keep pace with the early pacesetters. Of course, the game against Arsenal this weekend is very important, firstly because it's a home game for Liverpool, and secondly because they need to stop Arsenal from being a runaway leader in the league.

Winning the league is the top priority for this season. Going far in the Champion League is a bonus, but looking at the ditch the are in at the moment, it might take a miracle for them to qualify for the next stage. They need to beat Marseille in the State Velodrome, and past records indicate that it might be a task too hard to achieve. But, they need to go all out from now on, because at least even if they finish third, they can still qualify for the EUFA Cup, a scant consolation, but it's better than nothing.

Now is the time for Rafa Benitez to rally his team and start building up towards a more consistent and convincing results. Being consistent is important, because in the long run, only the most consistent team will be challenging for the honours. Whether Liverpool is one of them, that is yet to be seen.

The lying heartbeat

I am losing a battle that hasn't even started. A battle with myself. I am empty inside. My life is going nowhere. I am going nowhere. I am stale, stagnant and dead. The truth really eats me in the inside.

God help me!

The moment of reckoning is upon me. For my life until this point is hanging on the axis of uncertainty, being tilted on both sides every passing breath. There is no light to lead the way, only emptiness and darkness. Even the darkness is seeping away, leaving behind a hollow emptiness. And my heartbeat pounds with every single step that I take.

Dup dap, dup dap, dup dap, dup dap.

Will it ever cease to function? For every breath is a misery. For every living moment is a torment to me. My life is not real, nothing is real anymore. I'm not even in control of my life. A wayward life, that is my life now. Living a lie each single day. A fantasy of realism. What can I do? Where is the faith that has always be my sustenance back on the old days. I guess I must have lost it somewhere along the way.

I am falling, and worse, I am dying. Prematurely. I have to let go, release the fear. For the fear is consuming me. Eating me alive. And spitting out the remaining of my pathetic life. For in the end, my own doings will be my ending.

God, help me!

(29th May 2001)

The waiting game

Have you ever waited for the bus? You stood there at the bus stop (because there were not enough bars to sit on) with a whole bunch of people, peering over the road every two seconds or so, hoping that your bus would appear next. And every now and then, you glanced at your wrist watch wondering how much longer you have to wait there.

And you looked around you, and noticed that everyone else were pretty much doing the same thing. Looked at the road, and glanced at their watch. It was some sort of a ritual, and you looked at the stranger next to you, and for a moment, your eyes locked, and you can feel the irritation emmiting from his eyes, the patience ebbing away, the frustration gnawing slowly, because deep down, you felt the same way too. Both of you were waiting for the bloody bus.

But that's life. It's a big waiting game. Don't you think that your whole life is another big wait? Even at the very start, you waited 9 months before you could finally see the light. And the moment you got out, you see all these different shapes and colours. Then, as babies, you waited to be fed, changed, clothed and carried.

And as you grow older, you waited for more things. As a kid, you waited to grow up and be an adult so that you can stay up late and do the things that your parents forbid you to do. And as a teenager, you waited for the exams to come and go, for the next concert and for your first love to happen. And when you reach adulthood, you waited for the end of the day so that you can leave your workplace, and you waited in the traffic jam to get home. And you waited for the day that you can finally retire and live comfortably for the rest of your life.

And in the end, you waited for death to consume you, and finally, when darkness enveloped you, you waited for the white bright light.

My whole life, I've waited for things to happen.

And I'm still waiting.

The big L

"Hi, my name is Ardy and I am a loser, with a capital L."

"Hello Ardy," everyone is the room would greet me.

Welcome to Loser's Anonymous, where you find comfort with the people with the same predicament as you are.

The L word.

No, not love. Not even lust.

But loser.

Now, what constitute a loser? How do you know that you belong in this group? You have to achieve certain life experiences to qualify yourself as a loser.

1. You're 30 and still single, not by choice, and not because of the lack of trying, but just because you just can't get the opposite sex to stay interested in you long enough to initiate a relationship.




2. You have more than one cat at home, and you talk to them most of the time, not because you wanted to, but because you don't have anyone to talk to and it's better to talk to another living creature than to talk to yourself or have a conversation in your head.




3. You only have 7 real friends and more than 30 cyber friends.




4. You work your butt off but still earning the same amount of money as you did 5 years ago.




5. You can't remember the last time you had a relationship, if you ever had one and didn't imagine it. And you can't remember the last time you had sex (pleasuring yourself with fantasies of real women does not count as having sex).




6. Your mum is hinting about matching you up with her friend's daughter.




7. You eat oatmeal alone while watching TV for dinner, and that is actually the high point of your day and you can't wait to do it again tomorrow.




8. The opposite sex doesn't give you a second glance. Heck! They don't even glance at you. At all.




9. You watch Martha Stewart's Show and text/call your friend during the show expressing your profound love for Martha and commenting about the show.




10. You love to dance, but the only place you do so is in front of the mirror, naked, while drooling over your own body.

If you have more than 4 of the above, then you can join me in our next meeting.

Falling pieces

I'm thinking of you right now. I'm also thinking about myself and my predicament. About life ending prematurely. About life without anyone. About her.

Why can't I stop thinking about her? Lately, I haven't been dreaming at all. I used to dream every night, and I cherish every dream, come nightmare or sweet dreams. Because dreams are my escape from reality. Dreams are real to me. Everything can happened in a dream.

But now, I don't dream anymore. I don't know why. A part of my life has gone missing. And I need her to fill up the missing part. I need her to accompany me at nights, when dreams are scarce and I'm all alone. Her, and her alone.

I need you like water like rain like air.

Slow life. Crawling like an injured insect. I am dying and rotting away. Pieces of me is falling apart. I need something badly. I need to believe again. I need to live, to forget about the past and look towards the future. And until I do that, I will forever be falling into a bottomless pit. Where light and darkness do not exist at all. And all there is the void. Just the void. And me, falling and falling. Thinking of my previous life, thinking of my life, thinking of my predicament, but not of the future.

And most of the times, thinking of her.

(11th May 2001)

Book of revelation

Sometimes, we got confused and disorientated with the things that happened around us. It might leave us feeling helpless, and rendered us incapable of making a decision. We can't think straight, and all our options seem limited.

So we sleep over it, with hopes that we'll wake up as a different person, in a different world. But that never happens, and we'll still wake up being ourselves, facing the same problems.

It is very important to identify the feelings involved when faced with a problem. Most of the time, we are at lost because we are unsure of how we feel about a particular situation. A feeling of apprehensive and anxiety will exist, but apart from that, there are many other feelings that surfaced at the same time. The ability to know and acknowledge these feelings is very important, because it is the first step towards recovery.

I never dealt with my problems properly back then because I was never alert with what my real feelings were. When I was unceremoniously dumped in my previous relationship, I let myself wallow in self-pity, and let my emotions got the better of me. For a very long time, I went through life feeling dazed and confused, and being unhappy with life. I shut myself out, hid away from the world, and stopped seeing other people. I spent most of my time sleeping, hoping that it was all an elaborate dream. I turned myself into a social outcast, believing that I did not deserve the best of life, knowing that whatever I did will never bring me happiness.

Ever again.

Boy, was I wrong, big time! I have never been so wrong in my life. But this time, I let myself aged a hundred years before realizing that life never screws you up. Life never spits you out and leaves you in the ditch. Life never abandons you and let you rot alone in an unmarked grave.

You did all that to yourself. And only you can undo the damages.

But to do so, you need to know your own feelings. You need to be able to empathize with yourself. You need to go through the hurt and pain head on, and embrace it to your bosom. You have to face the truth, and endure the backlash. And finally, when you realized the enormity of the situation, you will finally understand.

And you will never be the same anymore. Because you have evolved. From a mere mortal, to an immortal. You have attained the secret to happiness. And you hold the key to life's greatest mystery.

But most of all, you will be happy.

Questions, no answers

Life is short. Death is forever. And hell is eternity. There is no such thing as reincarnation. Yet, there is redemption. Heaven and hell. Reality and fantasy. Eternal suffering or eternal peace. Choose? Can we? Can I?

Is everything predestined? Fixed by a higher order and power? God does exist. That is true, and I believe it. Then how do we live our life? Freedom of choice? Choice? Choice? Do we ever have a choice in the first place?

I need to be next to you. I need to be near to you. I want to understand you. I want to understand myself. I want to understand life. I want to live happily, fulfilling my hopes and dreams. I want to be someone, not anyone. I want to be loved and love. And I want to eat dried apricots when I feel like it. I want to eat seedless red grapes on Monday, and seedless green grapes on the next day. I want to be cold at night. I want to love someone. I have so much love in me, it's spilling out going to waste. Why can't I love someone, and have the love return back to me? Why can't someone become the meaning of my life?

Questions, so many questions. Yet no answers.

Seek the answers someplace where there is no sun and no moon, yet there is day and night. Where the river runs upstream, and life has no meaning whatsoever.

(1st April 2001)

Don't have a cow, man

I miss being a cow. Yes, once upon a time, I was a cow. I started to notice that I was a cow when I was able to eat anything all the time, thus reaffirming that my stomach has 4 compartments, just like a cow, the rumen, reticulum, omasum and obamasum. Nowadays, I'm stuck with just one chamber, thus limited my capability to eat non-stop.

You know how in school kids like to give you nicknames (most of the time bad nicknames) based on your bad traits, or just simply to mock your father's name, or because of a physical defect? I have a friend who was called Mamut, because his father's name was Mohamad. Mamut is the name of Mumm-Ra's (the ever-living) dog is Thundercats. How silly is that? Another friend was called toyol, not because he likes to steal things, but because there was one time, he was coming out from the toilet with just a towel wrapped around his waist, when another friend came along from behind and pull his towel, leaving him completely naked. But instead of running for cover, he started to chase the prankster around the block, for about 10 minutes, completely naked. Of course almost everyone witnessed the incident, and thus the nickname.

Another friend was called Tom, not because he looked like Tom Cruise, but because his teeth was like A.R. Tompel's teeth, a bit potruding. While another one was called Bad, because he suffered the same fate, but since Tompel was already taken, he was called Bad based on A.R. Badul. How funny is that?

When I was in form 1, I liked to be at the front of the queue in front of the dining hall. Dinner was after Maghrib, and normally, after prayers you walked up to your dorms and changed before heading to the dining hall. But me being me (greedy and wanting to grab the biggest piece of chicken or fish), I wore my pants underneath my sarong, and as the prayers ended, just grabbed my bag at the back, took off my sarong and ran to the dining hall. Needless to say I was always at the front of the queue, and always ended up with the biggest portion (sometimes even double portion) of everything.

This eventually earned me the nickname Sprinter Dewan Makan (SDM). One thing about me, I really love to eat, even boarding school meals, which has the reputation of being yucky and disgusting at times. I eat everything, from the ikan jacket, to the wormy vegetables and the rotten potatoes. I guess I pretty much damaged my tastebuds, that's why until now, I can never tell whether the food is really good, because to me, most food tasted good (to a certain extend).

Anyway, my friends called me sprinter for a few years. Then one day, it all stopped, because I turned out to be a long distanced sprinter, and started winning races and represent the school in athletics competitions. That was when the nickname was retired, I guess being a real sprinter defeated the purpose of calling me sprinter (and I stopped running to the dining hall by then, because I've made friends with the makcik dewan makan, and it was a whole lot easier to get more portions for my meals that way).

Luckily enough, I remained slim and fit even after all these years of gorging myself away. I guess I have my high metabolism to thank to, and my active lifestyle also helps. But lately, I've noticed that I don't eat that much anymore. I guess age is catching up with me, and I'm more concern about what I put inside of me now. It can be frustrating at times, because I know I still want to eat, but I can feel my bloated stomach weaving away painfully, and I know it is time to stop.

Books galore

This tag is long overdue, but since I have to recall the books that I've read for the past few years, it took a while to compile the list. Thanks to Seademon, for sensing that I am a bookworm and read to fill in my time (I don't do anything else, come to think of it). The original tag was supposed to be 50 books, but Seademon limited it to 30, but as promised, I'm listing down 100.

Dragonlance (Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman)
1. Dragons of Autumn Twilight
2. Dragons of Winter Nights
3. Dragons of Spring Dawning
4. Time of the Twins
5. War of the Twins
6. Test of the Twins
7. The Second Generation
8. Dragons of Summer Flames
9. Dragons of a Fallen Sun
10. Dragons of a Lost Star
11. Dragons of a Vanished Moon
12. Dragons of the Dwarven Depths
13. The Soul Forge
14. Brothers Majere

Death Gate Cycle (Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman)
15. Dragon Wing
16. Elven Star
17. Fire Sea
18. Serpent Mage
19. The Hand of Chaos
20. Into the Labyrinth
21. The Seventh Gate

Jeffrey Archer
22. Not a penny more, not a penny less
23. Shall We Tell the President?
24. Kane & Abel
25. The Prodigal Daughter
26. First Among Equals
27. A Matter of Honour
28. As the Crow Flies
29. Honour Among Thieves
30. The Fourth Estate
31. The Eleven Commandment
32. Sons of Fortune
33. A Quiver Full of Arrows
34. Twelve Red Herrings
35. False Impression

J.K. Rowling
36. Harry Potter & the Philosopher Stone
37. Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets
38. Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban
39. Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire
40. Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix
41. Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince
42. Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows

David Eddings
43. Pawn of Prophecy
44. Queen of Sorcery
45. Magician's Gambit
46. Castle of Wizardry
47. Enchanters' End Game
48. Guardians of the West
49. King of The Murgos
50. Demon Lord of Karanda
51. Sorceress of Darshiva
52. The Seeress of Kell
53. The Diamond Throne
54. The Ruby Knight
55. The Sapphire Rose
56. Domes of Fire
57. The Shinning Ones
58. The Hidden City
59. Belgarath the Sorcerer
60. Polgara the Sorceress
61. The Redemption of Althalus (with Leigh Eddings)

Sidney Sheldon
62. The Naked Face
63. The Other Side of Midnight
64. A Stranger in the Mirror
65. Bloodline
66. Rage of Angels
67. Master of the Game
68. If Tomorrow Comes
69. Windmills of the Gods
70. The Sands of Time
71. Memories of Midnight
72. The Doomsday Conspiracy
73. The Stars Shine Down
74. Nothing Last Forever
75. Morning, Noon and Night
76. The Best Laid Plans

John Grisham
77. A Time to Kill
78. The Firm
79. The Pelican Brief
80. The Client
81. The Chamber
82. The Rainmaker
83. The Runaway Jury
84. The Partner
85. The Street Lawyer
86. The Testament
87. The Painted House

Paulo Coelho
88. The Alchemist
89. Eleven Minutes

Jean M. Auel
90. Clan of the Cave Bear
91. The Valley of Horses
92. The Plains of Passage
93. The Mammoth Hunters

W. Michael Gear and Kathleen O'Neal Gear
94. People of the Earth
95. People of the Wolf
96. People of the Fire

J.R.R Tolkien
97. The Hobbit
98. The Fellowship of the Rings
99. The Two Towers
100.The Return of the King

I can list another 100, but let save that for another time. And I also owned all the books listed above (except for the Deathly Hallows, still waiting for the paperback version). Come to think of it, I can open my own library. Okay, maybe a mini library.

And when folks ask me why I have to buy all these books, when I can just borrow them from the library, or those rent-a-book shops, or from friends, I told them, because I read them more than once (and because it is my hobby).

Nerd!

Why does my heart, feels so bad?

Describe a pathetic life. Look at mine, and you've got one. I have such a pathetic life. I have no close friends, I eat alone in my room, I have no girlfriend, I sleep most of the time, I don't talk much, I'm very moody and most of all, I don't have a purpose in life. I look at myself and I feel sorry for myself.

What happened to me? Life wasn't as bad as now before. I've been hitting a downward spiral for the past six years. Down and down I go, without hitting the bottom. And it's an endless journey, for the pit is bottomless. There are no ups and downs in my life, just downs and more downs. I don't even feel the joy from doing the things that I like, such as playing sports. It's like my soul is empty, so empty and hollow. I can hear the echo of my voice when I speak alone to myself.

Yet, I still breathe, I still wake up every morning. I look at the sky sometimes, and I see my life flashing before my eyes. Am I reliving my past? I see no future in me. I see only emptiness and sorrow. Not even darkness exists.

Why does my heart, feels so bad?

Aching. Hurting. Empty. Sorrow. Lonely. The clock is ticking. I can stop the clock, but can I stop the time? I can never stop the time. Time moves on. And so does my pathetic little life, whether I like it or not. I feel so lonely. I feel beaten by life itself. I have lost in my own game. Check, and checkmate.

Why does my heart, feels so bad?

(10th April 2001)

Space: Above and beyond

Did you watch the launch last night? The rocket launch to take the first ever Malaysian into space? Yes, it was a defining moment. A history in the making.

For over a week now, Astro has dedicated a channel to publicise the event. And it was on for 24 hours a day. Not being hooked to cable, I was not privileged to watch the show, which is a blessing in disguise, because to me, the whole thing is being blown out of proportion. But then again, we are talking about sending our own man into space, the final frontier.

So the guy is an eye candy. Elton John looks better on his bad hair day. So the guy is a doctor. McSteamy can beat him anytime, anyday. So the guy beat thousands of applicants for the title of angkasawan. That was only because I didn't apply for the job.

Okay, I might not be a doctor. I might also not be a pilot. In fact, I'm a nobody. I'm not even an eye candy. People don't give me second glances.

So, why do I think I can beat him?

I don't. I'm just bitter that I was not in the rocket blasting into space, and creating history. I'm jealous because I'm just a lollipop, while he is a cotton candy.

It's just a matter of time. Sooner or later, we'll have our first astronaut. Sooner or later, we'll have our own space shuttle (maybe we'll have to buy from the Russians), our first space station, out first nuclear weapon. Of course there is a price to pay for everything, but in the name of development, and putting our nation in the world's map, it is all worth it.

And I wouldn't be surprised, that upon his return, he will be conferred awards upon awards, starting with a Datukship.

The lucky bastard!

For the love of the country

We are all soldiers in our own little way. We might not be in the army and serve the country directly, but we still fight for its honour and freedom as much.

Military warfare is a thing of the past. It has been more than 60 years since the last major war ended. Small wars and battles still happen every now and then, but it did not involve the whole world and didn't put everything into chaos. Of course, oppression and communism still exist in some part of the world, but we tend to get along well with each other to the extent of settling disputes diplomatically.

Nevertheless, there are still bullies among the nations. Like in a schoolyard, the biggest and most powerful boy will always pounced on the weak and smaller boys. We have the USA to push everyone around, dictate the world like they are the kings of the world, and invading nations they deemed too dangerous to be left alone.

Their reasoning? These nations are developing weapon of mass destruction. These nations are researching and building nuclear weapons. So they should be crushed, and sanctioned before they get all strong and powerful. When in fact, the USA themselves have nuclear weapons and weapons of mass destruction. But it is okay for them to have these, because they self-elect themselves as the ruler of the world, and it is their duty to safeguard the world.

We are fortunate that we are not embroiled into all this business of chemical and biological warfare. But that doesn't mean we don't have our own defences; armies and fighter jets and the latest tanks. We train our armies, we buy the latest equipments, weapons and vehicles to assist us in protecting our country. We teach our soldiers to be vigilant, disciplined, honourable and most of all, loyal beyond measure. They are supposed to follow orders. They are supposed to obey, and not to question.

It's the same with every other nation. They deployed their armies across the globe and without questions; these armies fight and destroy the enemies. Some of them might die along the way, but that is a small price to pay for peace and freedom. Worse still, some might get injured and lose a limb or two, or get mentally scarred. War can do a lot to men and women, it can change us completely. And it can scar us for life.

But that is of course, a small price to pay, for the love of the country. We are told to look at the bigger picture. We live today for the future. Today's wars are for tomorrow's peace and tranquility. Yet, there are always reasons to go to war, to invade and destroy.

If that is the price to pay for a better tomorrow, then we are all living in denial, and ignorance.

What's in the bag?

Yet another tag. This time from Lily and Spena. A double tag, so I guess I have to do it.

5 things in my bag (gym bag, since I dont use a handbag)

1. My trusted green pallas jazz
2. Clean pair of underwear
3. Gatsby deodorant (got it free from Sportsbarn)
4. Head & Shoulder shampoo (Menthol)
5. A small padlock

5 things in my wallet

1. Identity card
2. Gym card
3. Small calender
4. Driving license
5. Train timetable (Clayton to city)

5 Favorite things in my bedroom

1. My hundreds of books
2. My TV remote control
3. My CDs collections
4. My TV
5. A map of the world on my wall

5 Things I wish to do (in no particular order)

1. Start diving
2. Have sex
3. Form a band
4. Travel the world
5. Skydiving

5 Things I am doing now

1. Using SAP to generate the stock report (I'm still at work)
2. Browsing through Soccernet
3. Trying to figure out Facebook
4. Thinking about sex
5. Typing this line.

And I won't be tagging anyone, since everyone I know has already completed this tag.

Missing death

Right here with you is where I belong. Do you believe in love of a lifetime? That everybody has somebody? In fate?

Fate. Yes. For the rest of your life. Here with you, near with you. Need to be next to you. Mumbo jumbo plane in a gumbo.

How many days left for me to breathe in this life? I lost count. But the end is near, so near that I can feel it breathing at the back of my neck. Every single breath is precious now, for never will I know which one is the last, until the moment arrives. Melancholy. Infinite sadness. Death is inevitable. Unavoidable.

"Do you want to die?"

"I...I.... I don't know."

(8th February 2001)

Bad hair day

There was a time when I was obsessed with my hair. I was getting bored of seeing myself in the mirror with the same hairstyle I've been wearing for the past 15 years. Not that I spend much time on my hair anyway. A quick comb will just set it in place, and I'm all ready to go. I don't use hair cream and gels, because I never liked the smell and the greasy feel they left on my hair.

When I was a teenager, I used to keep my hair long. It got so long that it annoyed my dad so much until I had to cut it short. Anyway, I guess it was about time I cut it, since the hot weather was really driving me nuts, and it was getting hard to play basketball with my hair flying all over my face.

After a very long deliberation, I finally decided that I should change my hairstyle.Get a makeover. Change how I look. Easier said than done, that's for sure.

I set on a quest with a friend of mine, and we asked around for a reputable hair salon. Now, I have never been in one, truth to be told. All this while, whenever I need a haircut, I will just frequent the friendly neighbourhood barber who charged me only RM10 for a haircut (used to be RM8 back in the old days), and still have time to do a quick head massage and a nice neck twist. Cheap, and convenient.

To cut a long story short (because I've listed down a few salons and did some research on them), we finally settled for a local salon (something within my budget). It came highly recommended from another friend of ours. So we made the appointment, and went there to get our hair done.

Of course, me being me, I still haven't decided on my new hairstyle, so the stylist had to endure my indecisiveness for quite a spell. Magazines upon magazines were flicked, and I finally chose one, out of desperation. Worse come to worse, I can always change it again in a few months time.

And so, I walked out that day with a new look. Not much of a difference, but at least it was something new. I was happy with it, until after a few days later, I noticed that my hair was turning back to its usual self.

I guess, the next time I'm thinking of another makeover, I need to do something drastic, like cutting my hair really short, or shave it clean.

Come to think of it, I wasn't really looking for a new hairstyle. What I wanted was a new life.

Didn't We Almost Have it All

"Give me a reason to stay."

Now, if someone asked me that, I would have given her the reason. The only reason that matters.

"You should stay because I want you to stay, and because I love you".

There were so many things that happened last night worth writing about. And just as the words were flowing from my little brain like water trickling down a waterfall, I had an epiphany, or something of that sort.

You know the kind of guy who watches TV alone all the time and blogs about TV shows and even the commercials and has no social life? The kind of guy who eats oatmeal and lives with his cats? That guy is me.

My name is Ardy.

Anyway, in case you missed the show, here are some memorable quotes. Enjoy!

Richard: [narrating] Being Chief... is about responsibility. Every single surgical patient in a hospital is your patient. Whether you're the one who cut them open or not. The scalpel stops with you. You need to be able to look at her family. And to tell them your team did everything they could to save someone's life. The husband, the wife. Taking care about the people's families. And responsibility... it makes you... you take care of the people's families. But you sacrifice your own.

Izzie: You don't need vows on your hand. When you get up there, just speak from the heart.
Cristina: Uh, Izzie, the heart is an organ. It pumps, it circulates blood, it gets clogged from time to time. It does not, however, speak. It doesn't have tiny little lips on it.
Izzie: Well, you're all "glass totally empty."
Cristina: I'm gonna like being married. It's the wedding part that's ridiculous.

Addison: I don't understand.
Richard: It's not you.
Addison: No, I understand that part. What I don't understand is why. I need this job, Richard. I need it more than the others.
Richard: Addison--
Addison: No, I need a reason to stay here. I need a reason to get up in the morning. I need to wake up and not care that it's raining or that I'm 39 and alone. I need the job, Richard.
Richard: That's why. If you need a job to give you a life, you either need a new job or a new life.

Mark: There he is. T-minus five hours. And how's the best man? Up to the challenge? I was an excellent best man.
Derek: You know, the worst case scenario is I sleep with your wife in ten years.
Burke: Okay.

Burke: Um, except about my vows. I wrote them myself, and...I don't know. They may be too...I want 'em to be right.
Addison: Well, let's hear 'em.
Burke: What, now?
Addison: Hey, you've got a room full of women. Try it out on us.
Burke: Cristina...I could promise...to hold you...and to cherish you. I could promise to be there in sickness and in health. I could say...till death do us part. But I won't. Those vows are for...optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. And I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope.
Addison: Okay, um...
Burke: I am not optimistic. I am not hopeful. I am sure. I am steady. And I know. I am a heart man. I take 'em apart. I put 'em back together. I hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So of this I am sure...you are my partner...my lover...my very best friend. My heart, my heart...beats for you. And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this...I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands. I promise you... me.
What too trite? Because I can rewrite it...
Izzie: No. No. It's...
Addison: I think I speak for...every woman in this room when I say dump her. Dump Yang and marry me.

Izzie: Uh, hold on a minute. I just wanted to make sure no one's around so I can say this.
George: I think we've said everything we need to say.
Izzie: Shut up. I am an optimist. I am hopeful. I am not sure.
George: Look, I can do this myself.
Izzie: Let me speak. Because I'm your best friend and because I love you, if what you want is to be with Callie,.
then I will do everything in my power to support you and help you make your marriage work But because I'm your best friend and because I love you...I also have to say...that I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I can't promise the future, I can't promise perfection because we're us and I'm me and who knows what will happen. But in my heart...I am sure. I'm in love with you, George. And I hope you're in love with me, too.

Rebecca: I have every reason to go. And...and yeah, I'm scared. And yeah, this is...this is moving at warp speed. And yeah, I'm freaking out, but Jeff is good. And...and Jeff is the father of my child. The man is out buying a car seat right now. And the minute he gets back...I...I have every reason to go, because medically...
there's no need for me to stay. Medically.
Alex: Oh. Yeah. Okay. Well, then I'll just check the chart.
Rebecca: Damn it.
Alex: We got, uh... what?
Rebecca: Are you...do I...do I have to spell everything out for you? I mean, did...did you sniff too much glue as a child? I'm asking you something here.
Alex: What do you want from me?
Rebecca: I want...I want you to give me a reason to stay...a real reason. I mean, Jeff's...Jeff's a decent guy, a good, decent guy. But to him, I'm Rebecca, and I don't know if I am Rebecca anymore and...you know me. You knew...you knew when I couldn't even speak who I was. You...you named me Ava, and I was more me
as Ava then I'll ever be as Rebecca. Look, I...I have every reason to go back to my life. And I will. Unless...you...Alex, I'm asking you to give me a reason to stay here...a reason from you.
Alex: Jeff loves you. He's A...he's a decent guy.
Rebecca: Alex, give me a reason.
Alex: I think you should stick with the decent guy.

Meredith: If you want to break up with me so you can see other women, just do it. Don't tell me you met another woman. Just end it if that's what you want.
Derek: I can't.
Meredith: Sure you can. Here's how it goes...Meredith, I don't want to see you anymore. Meredith, I don't love you anymore.
Derek: Meredith...I do love you. Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want, you come back when you want. Not everyone, not your friends, but you leave me. So I'm asking you...if you don't see a future for us, if you aren't in this...please...please just end it, because I can't. I'm in it. Put me out of my misery.
Meredith: I...I can't. I...I...Cristina is getting married. I have to go make sure she gets married.
Derek: Meredith...
Meredith: I really need to make sure she gets down that aisle.
Derek: Let's go. We're running late.

Addison: I've always found it confusing. If you know both the bride and the groom, which side do you sit on?
Alex: I just look for the hottest chick in the room and sit next to her.
Addison: Stop.
Alex: Wanna ditch the reception, grab a drink instead?
Addison: Stop it. You don't want me.
Alex: Maybe I do.
Addison: No, you don't. You want Ava.
Alex: She's not Ava anymore. She's Rebecca now, and I barely know her.
Addison: Look at me. Look at me. You suck. To me, you suck. I kind of...hate you. But, Alex, we not get unlimited chances to have the things we want. And this I know...nothing is worse than missing an opportunity
that could've changed your life. And no matter what her name is, she'll always be Ava to you.

Cristina: Oh...I can do this. You know, I had a momentary freak out, but now I'm fine. I can do this. Go.
Burke: But you don't want to do this. I'm up there waiting for you to come down the aisle, and I knew you don't want to come. I know you don't want to come but that you'll come anyway because you love me. And if I loved you...if I loved you, not the woman that I'm trying to make you be, not the woman that I hope you'll become,
but you...if I did...I wouldn't be up there waiting for you. I would be letting you go.
Cristina: I am wearing the dress. I'm ready. And...and maybe I didn't want to before, but I want to now. I really think I want this.
Burke: And I really wish that you didn't think. I wish that you knew.

Cristina: He's gone.
Meredith: I...I...I don't think he's gone. Uh, his stuff is here.
Cristina: No, it isn't. His trumpet was here. His entire Eugene Foote collection...vinyl's and cd's...his grandmother's picture was by the bed. His lucky scrub cap was hanging on the door. He's gone.
I'm...I'm free. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Oh, god. Get this off me. Take this off! Take this off!
Please, just...I can't...help me, help me, help me!

Richard: Congratulations. You'll make a fine chief. Derek?
Derek: I'm not the best man for this job. You're the best man for this job.
Richard: What are you talking about, Derek?
Derek: A good chief learns from his mistakes. I'm still working on that. But you...if you had a chance to do it all over again, you'd do it differently. Go ahead. Do it all over again. Be the best man.

Oceanful of tears

Sometimes, crying is the best thing to do in times of distress and sadness. Some people view crying as a sign of weakness, a vulnerability. But to me, it is a sign of strength, and acknowledgement. Knowing that you are hurt deeply, and being awashed by waves of emotions.

The sorrow can be bottomless at times. We let ourselves float in a sea of sorrow, drifting away in a shoreless ocean, staring into oblivion. Time and time again we try to swim towards the shore, only realizing that all we can see around us are the vast ocean up to the horizon. And so we let ourselves lulled away by the gentle breeze and the smell of the ocean.

And we let our grief eats away our hope, leaving us aimless and hopeless in a world of sorrow. It seems a whole lot easier to just drift away, and sleep for eternity, being engulf by the ocean.

But let the tears flow freely. Let the emotions overwhelmed us. Let the sorrow clouds over our soul. Because one day, one day, we will realize, that there is no such things as a never-ending sorrow, as there is no such thing as a shoreless ocean.

And our tears, let it fall. Let it roll down our cheek, and drop into the ocean. Let it be one with the sea. Tears belong to the sea, as the sun belongs to you and me. Our heart is bleeding and wounded. Our soul is lost and hurt. And maybe, just maybe, the salt in our tears and the sea will help to heal the open wound in our heart, and keep our soul alive.

Because, believe me, we can cry an oceanful of tears. And we can be sad and unhappy our whole lifetime. But when the time arrives, we need to look for the shore, and swim towards it. And let the salt in our tears remind us of the ocean, and the brief period when we were drifting in it nursing our wounded heart.

"There must be something strangely sacred in salt. It is in our tears and in the sea."

- Kahlil Gibran

Fair & Lovely

When you watch a lot of TV, like I do, you will also watch a lot of commercials along the way. Some of them are repeated so often that it annoys the hell out of you. Some have catchy catch phrase that got stuck in your head for hours while going through your day.

Like the other day, I had this "Hidup biar sedap" going on a never-ending loop in my head. The irritating part is since I was fasting, I couldn't get myself a Wall's ice cream. So I just had to endure the craving until after 7pm, and guess what I had for breakfast? For starter, I had Wall's Solero, then the main course was the Viennetta Brownie Chocolate and for dessert, Mini Poppers. Ice cream overdosed, I would say. But at least I got rid of that phrase from my mind (more like I numbed my mind with all the ice creams until I couldn't think anymore).

I got a sinking feeling that advertisers really did their research on how to subconsciously influence unsuspecting people into buying their products. It worked on me, and I'm sure it worked for others too. I was once in a focus group for this particular brand of drink. They were testing the market for a newly launched drink. So they had a whole group of people, from different age groups to different hairstyles, to test the product.

And they paid cash too to the participants. So it was a win-win situation for both sides. They got what they wanted, and we got paid. Fair enough.

One commercial that I really like is the Fair & lovely "Tiap hari sayang". The way the made the whole thing, it kind of reminded me of a life that I could have had. Not that it mattered anyway, because I didn't have it in the end.

But I digress. There was a time when beauty products used to rule the TV airtime. Especially skin whitening products. I'm not really sure why is it important to be fair? What's wrong with being dark, or tanned? I have a dark complexion, and I can never imagine myself being fair (and I secretly love women with dark complexions, like Cheryl Samad! Okay, now it's not a secret anymore, duh!) .

Surprisingly, not only women fall for the ploy. I have a few male friends who actually use the product. Not that they became fairer or anything, but they must be quite vain to even attempted to change their skin colour.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

It is just weird.

Nowadays, it's hair products that rule the TV. Shampoos from Rejoice, Clear, Head & Shoulder, Pantene, Dove to Sunsilk are competing against each other, all promising no-dandruff and straight shiny hair.

First, you have to be fair, now you have to have straight shiny hair.

What's wrong with curly, or wavy hair?

And if you read the papers, you will come across plenty of slimming adds. From slimming centres to slimming products, all with before and after photos, to show the effectiveness of their products and programmes. There are too many of them that's it's hard to keep track anymore.

Whatever happened to the old fashion exercise and diet?

So now you know. If you want to be perfect, you need to be fair, have long, straight shiny hair, and be extremely slim.

As if.