The Special One

It was a relief when Yossi Benayoun scored in the 75th minute in yesterday's game, hence chalking up Liverpool's first league win after 2 league outings. The other two big teams also won by a similar scoreline, with Arsenal winning away at West Ham and Manchester United did what Liverpool couldn't do last week, scoring a goal against the resilient Birmingham team.

Playing Wigan, Liverpool had a fair advantage in the statistic department. Wigan has never beaten, nor hold the top teams (being Liverpool, Arsenal, Man. United and Chelsea) in 16 straight games. Last season they were 4 goals down by halftime, so they did considerably well this time around to limit Liverpool to just one goal. Needless to say, it was a nervous game for the visiting team.

A lot has been said about Rafa Benitez rotation policy in recent weeks. Having 4 good strikers at his disposal, he selects the two that he redeems best suited for a particular game. That means leaving Fernando Torres on the bench in recent games.

Torres however, didn't go quietly. After being benched for two league games and only appearing as substitute to play the remaining 30 minutes, he was given the chance to shine in last week's League Cup game against Reading. And shine he did, scoring his first hat trick (and definitely not his last) for Liverpool. Voices everywhere, from football pundits to fans alike have been urging Rafa to play Torres in every single game. But Rafa remained adamant, the master tactician sticking to his policy that no one is assured of a place in the starting lineup.

Looking back in history, Liverpool is in need of a consistent striker to provide them the goals that have been hard in coming. The last consistent goal-scorer for Liverpool is playing for Newcastle United now, and eversince his departure in June 2004 to Real Madrid, Liverpool has been struggling to find a perfect replacement for the player dubbed as the one of the greatest player ever by some. Michael Owen consistently scored 15 goals and more (except in 1999/2000 season when he was out injured for a lengthy period of time), accumulating a massive 118 goals scored in the Premier League in 7 seasons.

His replacements, never did achieve what was expected of them, and with that, gone were the goals that were desperately needed to push Liverpool to the top of the table. Baros, Cisse, Morientes, Crouch and Bellamy, all failed to get past 10 goals a season. There were times when Liverpool relied heavily on their midfielders for the goals, namely in Gerrard, Garcia and Riise.

Last season, Dirk Kuyt and Peter Crouch combined to score 21 goals among them, and it looked to be a good partnership. Of course, with Rafa rotation policy, the consistency never materialized with Crouch often left on the bench and only came on as a late substitute.

Now, Fernando Torres has the making to be the next Owen (not in the sense of being injury-prone, but scoring consistently). Looking at his statistic when he was with Atletico Madrid, he scored an amazing 75 goals in 5 seasons in La Liga, and that itself is an impressive feat. He has the speed and the skills to shine for Liverpool, and so far, he is Liverpool's top scorer with 6 goals in 10 games. All he needs now, is to start and play regularly, to build his confidence and scoring consistently.

Rafa needs to play him as often as possible. He is no good warming up the bench. And maybe, just maybe, Rafa could just win that elusive league title and complete his collection of trophies. As John Dykes puts it, "He has the means to do so at his disposal. His name is Fernando Torres and he is the Special One"

The ball is mine! (after the game against Reading)

Cravings

Tags are good to do when you really have nothing else better to write, so here I am doing my first tag (courtesy from Jazz, originated from SeaDemon)

NAME 5 FAVOURITE FOOD THAT YOU FEEL LIKE HAVING NOW

1. My mum's Laksa Johor
2. My mum's sambal tempeh with ikan bilis and tauhu goreng and kentang
3. My mum's special fried tiger prawn
4. My mum's gulai ikan tenggiri
5. My mum's delicious bubur buah
(Okay, so I miss mummy's home-cooked meal, I need to go home!)

NAME 5 FOOD YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE FOR BREAKFAST IF YOU COULD

1. Hot Taufu fa with black sugar
2. Anything with tempeh in it
3. Spena's leg of lamb with mint sauce (no, not her leg!)
4. Wall's Viennetta Brownie Chocolate
5. Nasi Air from UM College 2

NAME 5 FOOD YOU WOULD MOST LIKELY BUY FOR BERBUKA TODAY

1. Strawberry yogurt
2. McDs Double Cheese Burger
3. Tepung pelita
4. Hot laicikang
5. McDs Strawberry shake

Now let see what these folks would prefer instead:

1. Hazyr
2. Runiz
3. AM
4. Lily
5. Naiza

Testing 1-2-3

Can you feel it? The end is near. There is only one more episode left for the season. And I will be damned if I miss it next week. You shouldn't too, cause it's going to be a cracker!

Some quotes from this week's episode:

Meredith [narrating]: A surgeon's education never ends. Every patient, every symptom, every operation... is a test. A chance for us to demonstrate how much we know. And how much more we have to learn.

Burke: I was... Going to ask you.
Derek: Ask me what?
Derek: Really?
Burke: We have been through a lot this year.
Derek: And everybody else turned you down. Oh, what do I have to do?
Richard: Well, traditionally the best man plans the bachelor party.
Derek: Drinks at Joe's after work?
Burke: Yeah. I knew you were the man for the job.

Derek: Nice work, Dr. Montgomery.
Addison: Oh, thanks. I was just directing traffic.
Derek: I was being sarcastic.
Addison: Oh, like brain surgery is so impressive.
Derek: It is, actually.

George: I can't stay here. I can't...
Izzie: No one's making you go.
George: Stay here and see you every day... And not...I can't keep kissing you in elevators.
Izzie: I know. I know that.
George: I'm married. I'm a married man.

Richard: You're not to blame for Susan Grey's death, and you know it, and your father knows it, too. He's just...
Well, he's never been the best communicator, and he just lost his wife.
Meredith: Stop acting like my surrogate father.
Richard: Meredith, I'm...just...
Meredith: Because you slept with my mother, that does not make you my father.

George: It's like we're on a train that's going 200 miles an hour, and it would just be so nice to get off and just...stand on the platform, just for a minute.
Meredith: Looks like I'm off the train.
George: Our parents died. When a parent dies, it doesn't make any sense. So you make a lot of really terrible decisions...that you're gonna end up having to live with for a long time.
Meredith: You should go. You are still on the train. It's okay. You have to go. Go. Go. Go, go.

Addison: I am being stalked by pregnant women.
Callie: You're an obstetrician.
Addison: And barren. You know, apparently as a healthy, successful woman in her 30s, I don't deserve to have a baby. Maybe I'd have a fighting chance if were gay or a teenager or a member of the AARP.
Callie: Oh, that sucks. It really...
Addison: No, Oh, no, not you, too.
Callie: Oh, no, no, I'm not. I'm just...I'm thinking about it. That's all. Oh, I don't know. I don't even know. It's just that with George going to Mercy West next year...
Addison: He is?
Callie: Yeah, they have a spot for him, and we need a fresh start. We need to get away from all this crap. It might be a good time.
Addison: It's a great time. Don't let me and my fossilized eggs discourage you.
Callie: Are we gonna be friends still if I get pregnant?
Addison: Absolutely not.

Burke: Hey.
Addison: Hey. This is what you invited me to? This is your big bachelor party?
Derek: It was last-minute. I needed some warm bodies.
Mark: Which would explain why I'm here.
Addison: Why am I the only girl, by the way? What am I, the entertainment? I am not stripping. Derek: That's okay. We've seen it already.
Mark: True.
Burke: I haven't.

Cristina: What the hell am I supposed to do about the stupid vows?
Meredith: You still haven't written anything?
Cristina: Well, it's stupid crap.
Izzie: No, it isn't.
Cristina: Well, what am I supposed to say? I swear to love and cherish you every moment of every day of my life? I mean, that's not real. I mean, that's not how it works, right?
Callie: It does, at first, but then it...
Meredith: It passes.
Izzie: No, it doesn't. You guys are just used to it. That's all. You already have it. You have that thing everybody else wants. You can take it for granted. But let me tell you, if you didn't, if you couldn't be with the person that you love, I guarantee that hearing him promise to love you and honor you and cherish you, no matter what, it would be pretty much all you could think about.
Cristina: Wait, can you say that again, uh, just slowly?
Meredith: You're talking about Denny, right?
Izzie: Yeah.

Woman: Hi.
Derek: Hi.
Woman: Can I buy you a drink?
Derek: You're forward.
Woman: Bad day, I get to be forward today.
Derek: Yeah, I had a bad day, too.
Woman: So what do you say, one drink?
Derek: Um... I'm with some friends. It's a bachelor party. So I'm gonna... I'm gonna say no.
Woman: That's too bad.
Derek: Yeah... maybe you're right.

Dial *100#

Did you hear about the Hotlink Super Savers? You pay RM2 and you get unlimited talktime from 12am to 12pm for that particular day. Or you can even choose unlimited SMS for the same period of time. Of course this only applies for Maxis to Maxis numbers. Sounds like a good deal, right?

The promotion is in full blast. The advertisement is on TV every 10 minutes or so - start saving with Hotlink. Just a few days ago, they had a roadshow near my place, with beautiful sexy girls in red walking around selling the product. And from the looks of it, there were a lot of suckers that day, especially men (I would be one too if I haven't used Hotlink yet). How can you say no to beautiful sexy girls in red talking so close to your face that you can smell their breath? So I bought those RM10 top-up cards, since saying no is just inappropriate in this kind of situation. Yeah, I know. I'm a sucker.

Anyway, the thing that pisses me is the fact that I have been trying for the past week to get the unlimited talktime offer, to no avail. The network is always busy, the server is always down, and tonight, the whole thing was sold out. I mean, why bother with the promotions and all, if in the end, all you going to do is pissed people like me? I can't watch my favourite TV shows in peace because of the stupid add. It's in every single break of commercial. How annoying is that?

And nevermind who I'm going to call in the middle of the night if I did get through. All I want is the choice to make the call, but now, I don't have the choice, because I didn't get the supersavers deal.

That's the thing about commercials. They promise you a lot of things. The food always looks good on TV. The perfume seems to smell nicer on TV (especially if there's Scarlett Johansson in it). And then there's the Proton I-care commercial. I'm sure a lot of you out there drives a Proton, and has been to a Proton Service Centre. Somehow, what you get is not like what you see on TV.

Especially when you drive a Tiara. Most of the time, it would be excuses, no more parts or very hard to get parts, expensive because it's complicated and all the other bullshits. And the labour charge is almost triple from the other workshops. I don't mind if I'm getting a good service, but with all that crap, I'd rather send my car to the workshop near my place.

If there's a law that allow me to sure these advertisers, I would definitely do. I did consider about it a few years back, when a particular detergent didn't give the effect as promised. But upon consulting my lawyer friend, he advised me that it would just be a waste of time. And money.

Yes, I know. I really had nothing better to do at that time.

Dead poet society

Do you have faith in the community? Do you take comfort in knowing that you can count on your neighbours? And do you walk around on the streets feeling safe and secure?

We are a weird community. I think globalisation and individualism have taken priority in our lives. We tend to put ourselves first, and then, if we feel like it, we will tend to others. Maybe that is the way to survive, in this uncertain and troubled world.

How many of you have been in a packed bus or LRT, and noticing perfectly healthy people sitting on the seats allocated for the senior citizens, physically challenged and mothers-to-be? And when an old lady stepped into the LRT, and stood next to the person, instead of offering her his seat, he just pretended that he didn't notice the lady. And you know what was going on in his mind?

"I got here first, so it's my seat".
"It's embarrassing to offer the lady my seat, She might say no, and I don't handle rejection well".
"I just don't care".

Of course, once in a while, you'll find someone polite enough to do the opposite. But out of 10, I think 8 would stay seated.

Then there are the ever so often traffic jam. Traffic congestion is everywhere, all the time. Sometimes, there aren't any valid reasons for this. You crawl along for over an hour, and once you reached a particular point, the road suddenly clears. Actually, the main reason for this could be because inconsiderate drivers kept changing lanes, and using the emergency lanes. Also, some drivers just like to switch lanes at the very last minute as they reach their exit. You know your exit is coming up ahead, be considerate and stick to the left lane, instead of cutting through left and right. I think that will greatly ease the traffic congestion.

There are also accidents that cause such a bad congestion. The worst part is, even after the cars involved have been moved, drivers still slowed down to gawk at the aftermath. Then there are the curious onlookers who just had to stop their vehicles at the roadside just to poke their noses around, thus causing more congestion. Okay, so you thought you could help. Well, unless you're a doctor, or you have to happen to keep a chainsaw in the trunk of your car, then you can help. If not, move along please. Of course, if you were the first one to arrive at the scene of the accident, then that's another story.

But you know, the worst of the lot, are the ones who just stared and do nothing when a crime happened directly in front of them. If you saw someone shoplifting in a supermarket, do you find it as your duty to apprehend the thief, or do you report the thief to the security guard? Or do you just mind your own business, since it wasn't your problem to begin with? Let the authority deal with it, and if the thief got away, so be it. It won't bother you at all.

How about if a snatch theft happened near you? The victim screamed for help, and you just stared at her, take a glance at the thief, and go on with your life? Is that what you'll do? Or do you give chase to the thief, knowing that you're risking your life in the process? But hey, it's not like you get to be a hero everyday, right?

It all comes down to attitude. And respect. When you respect each other, you will respect their spaces and their rights. If you have good attitudes, you won't be doing things that you do not want others to do onto you. And you help each other. We need to help each other. Surviving is not about survival of the fittest.

We can make the world a better place. But it all has to start with you.

Interlude (3)

"Can you find it in your heart to love me?" I asked her.

And she looked at me, long and hard. Probably seeking something, seeking some sort of confirmation. And probably thinking. Thinking about us. I can see it in her eyes. I can see my sad face reflected in her eyes.

And then and there, I knew. She might love me, even if it was just a bit, but her love was out of pity. Not what I seek, not what I wanted. She pitied me, for loving her with all my heart, for carrying her so high in my life. For putting her above everything else. And I yearned for that love to be returned. But what I want, is not what she wants.

Not in this lifetime anyway.

"It's okay. You don't have to answer me. I understand", I lied to her. In truth, I wanted her to love me so much that it hurts. And no, I didn't understand. I can never understand.

But hurt her I will not do. Even if it means shattering my heart into a million pieces.

And I shall carry the shards of my broken heart with me till the end of my life. Let it be a reminder, to the love that was never returned.

The other side of this life (part 2)

Some quotes from this week's episode:

Violet: What time do you have?
Naomi: 5 to 1:00.
Addison: You people are obsessed with time.
Violet: Here he comes.
(Dell walks by in only a pair of shorts with his surf board)
Naomi: Hi, Dell.
Violet: Have a nice... surf.
Dell: I'll see you guys after lunch?
Addison: You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
Naomi: Admit it. You feel better.
Violet: And if not, there's another showing in an hour, and it's wet.

Addison: So...you're the quack.
Pete: Uh, I went to med school. I'm also a licensed herbalist, and I spent five years in China learning alternative medicine.
Addison: Like I said... quack.
Pete: Come here. Unless you need to go tell someone you saw goody Johnson with the devil.
Addison: Okay.
Pete: Lie down on the table.
Addison: Why?
Pete: I wanna show you that I'm not a quack.
Addison: I'm not taking my clothes off.
Pete: Did I ask you to take your clothes off? Now...you carry a lot of tension in your shoulders and above your right eye.
Addison: What do you mean?
Pete: You're blocking some serious emotion. Hang on.
Addison: What...what are you doing?
Pete: Stop saying "ow." It doesn't hurt. Okay, I'm done.
Addison: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where are you going? You can't leave me here like this.
Pete: Lie there. Don't move. Breathe. You're going to experience a rush of emotion, a release of...psychic pain.
Addison: Hello? Hello? I don't feel anything...except stupid for...letting a cute hippie boy put needles in my face. Hello! Yeah, Pete...I...this isn't working. I don't have any...psychic pain. I... I'm great. Barren, but...fan-freakin'-tastic. You can come back now. I am not feeling any, you know, rush of emotion or anything. I don't feel... anything. I don't feel anything at all. I don't feel anything at all. I hate L.A.

Meredith: How's the trailer?
Derek: It's freezing. You want to eat later? I'll bring something over.
Meredith: Are you using me for central heating?
Derek: Among other things.
Meredith: Okay.
Derek: All right.

Violet: You're not healthy. You're in denial.
Pete: I am not in denial.
Violet: You're in denial, and you're angry. You're the angriest man I know.
Pete: Is that why you won't sleep with me?
Violet: You're in denial, you're angry, and you use sex as weapon to deflect it.
Pete: Oh.

Cooper: I don't go to hookers. I don't go to strip clubs. I meet women on the internet that want to meet me.
So I like 'em a little younger and a little dirtier. Is that wrong? It's wrong?
Naomi: You need to meet a grown-up. You need to date someone your own age.
Violet: Someone without a porny internet name and...and perhaps no criminal past.
Naomi: A nice girl.
Violet: A viable girl.
Naomi: Someone with whom you can have a relationship.
Violet: You're a respected doctor.
Naomi: Go out in the real world, meet a woman your own age and ask her out.
Violet: Be a man, cooper. Be a man.

Addison: You're flirting.
Pete: What's wrong with flirting?
Addison: What's wrong with it? What's wrong? What's wrong is that I don't have time for it. I am... out of time. I missed my chance. And now I have two eggs left. I might as well have no eggs left. I am egg-less. Naomi says that she's dried up? I'm the one who's dried up. I'm all barren and dried up. And I have clearly been wasting my time on men. I mean, I might as well take up hobbies, like needlepoint or, um, collecting those little ceramic dolls, you know? Because that's what dried up women do. They do needlepoint. They do not waste their time flirting with men who clearly just want to get laid. They do not waste their time...telling overly personal...information about their eggs to total strangers. Oh, my god. I'm sorry. What are you doing?
Pete: I'm gonna kiss you. I'm gonna kiss you with tongue. I'm gonna kiss you so you feel it. Okay?
Addison: Okay. (They kiss) Why'd you do that?
Pete: To remind you...that you're not dried up. If you need me to remind you again...let me know.
Addison: Okay.

Alex: A lot of folks would kill for what you have, you know? A clean slate. So you don't remember? So what?
You'll make new memories. Oh, wow. Look at that. It's so beautiful.
Jane Doe: How can you be so...You're so good with me. What's wrong with you that you can't be this good with someone you have feelings for? What happened to you, Alex?
Alex: Maybe I don't remember. So what?

Addison: This is gonna sound...when no one else is around, the elevator kind of, uh...Talks to me.
Pete: Hi, Tilly.
Tilly: Hey, Pete.
Pete: That's Tilly. She works security. The camera is right there.
Addison: Oh. Hello, Tilly.
Tilly: Hey, I get my kicks wherever I can.
Pete: You goin' home?
Addison: Yeah...Home.
Pete: You get what you came for?
Addison: I honestly...don't know.
Pete: Do you want me to kiss you again?
Addison: I think...not.
Pete: Because of the elevators where you come from? Those horny, aphrodisiac elevators?
Addison: Yeah, that, and, um...I'm not interested, so...
Pete: Oh. You're interested.

Meredith: [narrating] At some point, maybe we accept that the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves the reality is better. We convince ourselves it's better that we never dream at all. But the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold on to the dream. Or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We awake to find ourselves...Against all odds...Feeling hopeful. And if we're lucky, we realize...In the face of everything, in the face of life...The true dream...Is being able to dream at all.

The perfect kiss

Are you a good kisser? Do you remember your first kiss? Your real, first kiss?

I don't think I'm a good kisser. One thing for sure, I'm totally out of practice. I don't know the first thing to do when it comes to kissing. Do I tilt my head to the left or to the right? Do I kiss her upper lip, or lower lip? Should I close my eyes, or should I look into her eyes?

And where should my hands be? Do I grab her head with both hands? Or do I put one hand behind her back? Or maybe my hands should be all over her instead, fondling and feeling her as we kissed.

I have no idea at all.

And how long should a kiss last? What if the moment last forever? Should my lips locked together till eternity? Okay, maybe that sounds ridiculous, but romantic nonetheless. A quick peck on the lips does not count as a kiss, does it?

And let's not get started with the tongue. When, if it's appropriate at all, is the right time to stick my tongue into her mouth? And do I tongue-wrestle? Or just swirl around and suck her saliva? And what about bad breath? How do I react if I'm faced with that?

I'm absolutely clueless.

Of course, the timing too is very important. When is the right time to kiss someone? I don't think you can just go around and kiss other people. And should I ask for permission first, before kissing her? "I'm going to kiss you now", I would tell her, in my most sweet, romantic voice. Or maybe, I should just surprise her, and kiss her without telling her. Maybe I'll get a surprise in return, a good nice slap on my face!

Come to think of it, I don't think I can even remember my first kiss. How sad is that? It must have been something non-magical, no lightning strike, no spine-tingling moment, no goosebumps on the back of my neck, no everlasting moment. Maybe because I did it so badly that I choose to forget all about it. Maybe I was so embarrassed about it that I blocked out the memory inside my mind. But was it really that bad?

It would be nice to have someone, to love and kiss every morning and every night. Every day. Some people who have been married for quite some time tend to take things for granted sometimes, not believing in the power of a kiss, or maybe just refuse to believe in it.

As for me, I'm a romantic fool. I might not be good at it (or so I believe), but I surely like doing it.

Hell's Kitchen

I've always been a fan of cooking shows. Seeing how dishes were created, from an assortment of ingredients, into a wonderfully beautiful dish, always make me hungry with delight, and pleasure.

So it came to no surprise that I got hooked to reality shows involving cooking. I remember watching Jamie's Kitchen some time ago. Jamie Oliver, I have to admit, is a very good chef. However, he is not the best of teachers, and not as inspirational and charismatic as he should be when it comes to teaching. Therefore I found that the show lacking the attraction and the pull-factor. I never stayed till the end.

The same could not be said about Hell's Kitchen. The show is simply superb, and hilarious in a lot of ways. And the guy who made all this possible is Chef Gordon Ramsay. Personally, I have no idea who he is. But after watching the show for a few times, I got a feeling that the man is best suited as a commander in an army boot camp instead of a chef. He is brash, very strict and nonplussed about his choice of words. But he is a very successful and rich chef, owning more than 10 award-winning restaurants, and having won so many awards in the industry.

The show concept is easy. 12 aspiring chefs battled it out to be the sole winner. Every week, one contestant will be eliminated (some even quitted, not being able to withstand Chef Ramsay's profanity and berating). In the end, the two remaining contestants battled it out, taking charged of the kitchen and their own restaurant and serving one whole meal to a bunch of customers, who will be part of the judges. Of course, Chef Ramsay will make the final decision, after taking account on how the contestants fared during the competition.

The winner for the first season was Michael Wray, and personally I think he deserved to win. He is a good cook, very creative and innovative, although lacking in charisma and leadership. His rewards - he gets to open his own restaurant, all expenses paid. However, Chef Ramsay was so impressed with Michael that he offered him a chance to go to London with him and work alongside him to become a master chef. Michael accepted, seeing that there are still a lot to learn to be a great chef.

The finale for season 1 was shown last night, and I have to say, the suspense, mixed with the humour, were too much for me to handle. Each finalist was given 3 staffs (fellow contestants who were eliminated earlier) and one of them, Jeff Dewberry was fun to watch. He is big sized, soft spoken and likes men. At one point of the show, feeling the heat and pressure getting over him, Dewberry felt like fainting, so he took a breather outside. However, after much coaxing from his fellow team member, he entered the kitchen again, and Ralph (the losing finalist) said to him, "you're Gilbratar! You are the Hope Diamond!" to which Dewberry replied, "I'd rather you say I was Brad Pitt's wife!". I was laughing so hard that I threw up the cheese and egg and tuna sandwiches with mango juice that I ate earlier.

All and all, it was a very entertaining show. Chef Ramsay had the final say, "We turned an unknown into a master chef, and that has to be the perfect way to close Hell's Kitchen, tonight."

Letting go

Lost Season 3 is back, with more twists and questions as ever. I know some of you have already watched the whole season on Astro (or probably on DVD). But not being privileged with cable TV, I had to rely on local channels. I don't really mind. I'm a patient man, and now I have something to look forward to on Mondays.

The good thing about good TV shows, is the fact that there is always something that you can relate to with your life. That's why I'm hooked to shows such as Grey's Anatomy, Criminal Minds (you never know what you are really capable of), Lost, Prison Break, and many more. Apart from the drama, comedy and suspense, there is always an underlying theme behind each episode.

And sometimes, it is similar with your life, the tune is exactly the same, and it hits you smack in the face. I've experienced this countless times. That's why I keep coming back for more. That's why I park myself in front of the TV.

It happened to me last night, while watching Lost. An obsession. A grudge. Of not being the man I wanted to be, the man I thought I would be.

And not letting go. Holding on to the remnants of a broken relationship. Holding on to the fragments of painful memories. Holding on to an invisible thread, not even knowing what is at the other end.

Letting go is never easy. Once we attached ourselves to something, or someone, it is never easy to detach ourselves again. For that matter, some people build a barrier around them, an invisible shield, so that they don't have to go through the hurt and pain. So that they do not feel the anguish and betrayal.

Always safe, behind the barrier, always non-committal, in everything they do.

But can you find happiness by doing this? Maybe at first, but in the long run, loneliness, among others, will catch up with you. Yes, you might argue, you'll get used to it. You're right. Some people, they do get used to it. They are somewhat happy. Not extremely happy, but happy nevertheless.

Everything you do in life is a risk. Happiness is a risk. How can you be sure anyway?

You don't. But that doesn't mean you have to go through life blindly. You learn from past mistakes. You have friends and family to help you along the way. It might not be a perfect life, but it is your life.

And this, this is my life. Am I happy? Probably not. Am I the man I imagined myself to be? Definitely not. Do I have regrets? Plenty of them.

But I'm still alive. And I'm still doing the things that I love to do.

And I need to learn how to let go. Just let go.

Broom freak

I am obsessed with cleaning products. Be it brooms, mops, floor cleaners, all-purpose magic cleaners, and a lot more. I have 5 different brooms at home - a lidi broom, one of those paddy broom, 2 all terrain hard brooms (one for indoors and one for outdoors) and one of those normal broom that you can find in a classroom 20 years ago (I bought it just because it reminded me of my sweeping-days when I was in school).

And recently, I just added another broom in my collection. This particular broom is unique, as its head is sponge-like, and it was made in Japan. Well, that was what the salesgirl in my local pasar malam told me. For RM20, I get the broom, and an extra head (the head is detachable). Being a sucker to brooms, and being told by the salesgirl that there were only two brooms left, I immediately purchased the broom.

Nothing wrong with having too many brooms, right?

I also have an assorted of mops, all in different sizes and colours. I especially like the magic mop, because it is very easy to use, and I don't even have to get my hands wet. Very convenient for a quick clean-up, especially after my kitten misbehaved around the house.

As for floor cleaners, I am currently using Ajax Fabuloso, because I got suckered by the advertisement. The woman in the commercial looked so happy and blissful after mopping her floor, and she seemed to be the envy of her neighbours. So I thought, maybe I can be happy if I use the same product as she did. Of course, I didn't get the same effect that I wanted, but at least my floor smells nice.

And there is also Mr. Muscle, the all-purpose cleaner (again, I got it because of the commercial). Previously, I was using Easy-Off Bang, but I found that the liquid irritates my skin. Upon checking the instruction at the back of the bottle, I was supposed to wear gloves when using the thing, and I found that inconvenient. I also have an assortment of window cleaners, leather polishers and dishwashers. Some of these are still unused. Maybe I should open my own cleaning company, with the amount of cleaning products that I have.

Of course, having all these does not mean that I use them all the time. Buying, and using, are two different things. I love to clean, but sometimes, my laziness gets the better of me. But it's good to know that anytime that I feel like cleaning the house, I have all the tools and cleaners at my disposal.

And looking at the rate I'm buying them, pretty soon I'll need a whole store room just to keep them.

Interlude (2)

"I want that," he said.

"Well, take a number and wait in line," was the reply.

With a heavy sigh, he stood at the end of the line. It was a long line. He couldn't even see the front. The line snakes all the way to the horizon, where the sky is just a shade of red.

"Soon, I'll be with her again," he consoled himself.

It might take an eternity, but what is time to him. He has an eternity to waste.

But waste away, without her by his side, now that is something that he couldn't live with. Just thinking about it sent shivers down his spine, all the way down to his tailbone. He shrugged it off, and looked ahead.

And the line stayed static, and he stood there wasting away his eternity, without her by his side.

Coyote beauty

"My life sucks," he started to talk.

I was sitting in the gym and getting a breather while eyeing the hot ladies in the studio doing the coyote dance, when he sat next to me and started to talk.

"I don't have a girlfriend, I don't have any friends. I don't have anyone I can talk to," he continued.

Irritated, I shifted my eyes from the sexy hot instructor who was wearing a very short miniskirt that everytime she moved her white panties became visible, to the stranger sitting next to me.

He was small-sized, shorter than me and very thin. He had a common face, with a set of weird looking ears, and a sorry bunch of hair, which was all over his head, scraggy and unkept.

"Can you tell me where I can find a girlfriend?" He asked me when he noticed that I had my eyes on him.

"There would be a good place to start," I told him while pointing to the studio.

I turned my gaze back at the hot instructor, who was now jumping up and down and revealing more of her panties.

"But I don't know how to approach them. You see, my last relationship was 5 years ago. I'm 33 now, and I feel so old already. I just want a healthy relationship. I just want to get married. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I don't know why people, especially girls, don't like me. Is there something wrong with me?" He added.

He kept on talking about his predicament and bad luck, while I kept my eyes on the instructor, who was now shaking her body and moving her hips seductively. Truth to be told, I wasn't really paying attention to the guy next to me. For all I know, he might be talking to himself. He might be imagining that he was having a conversation with me. My 5 minutes breather turned to a 30 minutes breather. The hot instructor was really an eye candy, and it was hard to tear my gaze from her (body).

I suddenly noticed that the guy has been silent for quite some time now. Upon checking, I noticed that his eyes were fixed on the instructor too. I grinned broadly, and just about then, the classes ended and the ladies started streaming out of the studio.

I instinctively grabbed the guy and shoved him into the studio. We were now face to face with the instructor, she turned and gave us a big smile.

"Anything I can do for you gentlemen?" She asked.

"Yes, can we hit the showers together?" I asked. Okay, I didn't say that out loud, what I said was, "can we join your next session? I noticed there were only ladies in your class, except for that one guy who really looked like a girl wearing a tank top and all, but that didn't count I guess".

"Oh, you can scrub my back, and we can do naughty stuffs together in the shower," I imagined she said. Instead, she replied, "Of course! It would be great to have a few guys in my class".

"Right, we'll see you next week then." I winked at her on my way out. She then slapped my butt, commenting on how firm it is and how she would love to see more of it next week. Or so I imagined.

While all this was happening, the guy just stood there with his mouth wide open, and I had to dragged him out.

"I'll see you next week, and we'll see about getting you a girlfriend from there," I told him, and left to continue my workout.

But the instructor, now she is my personal goal.

The other side of this life (part 1)

Tell me you're excited. Tell me you can't wait to catch Kate Walsh in her new spin-off. Tell me you're already in love with her new show. Tell me that you think the new casts are simply awesome.

And I'll tell you - indeed!!

If you happened to catch yesterday's episode of Grey's Anatomy(also the pilot for the new show), and if you have not heard about it, Kate Walsh aka Dr. Addison Montgomery will be heading to Santa Monica, to seek a better and greener pastures, and to start anew. She'll be heading the cast of Private Practice, a spin-off from Grey's Anatomy, where the new show will focus more on a consortium of sexy, not-getting-younger medical careerists in Santa Monica. The cast list is impressive, with Paul Adelstein (of Prison Break), Tim Daly, Amy Brenneman (of Judging Amy), Audra Mcdonald, Chris Lowell and the ever-so-sexy Taye Diggs. Private Practice is only starting in the States end of this month, so I guess we still have a long wait until it reaches our shores. Well, at least it's something to look forward to.

Some quotes from this week's episode:

Meredith: [narrating] The dream is this - that we'll finally be happy when we reach our goals - find the guy, finish our internship, that's the dream. Then we get there. And if we're human, we immediately start dreaming of something else. Because, if this is the dream, then we'd like to wake up. Now, please!

Mark: Anybody seen Addison?
Richard: She's gone.
Mark: Gone?
Richard: She took a leave of absence.
Mark: Why? I mean, did she tell you why?
Derek: What'd you do to her, Mark?
Richard: She didn't give a reason.
Mark: Did she tell you where she was going?
Richard: All she said was she needed some time...to be happy and free if I recall correctly. Excuse me.

Izzie: I switched my hours at the clinic so I can go to the bridal shop. Yay!
Cristina: Did she cheer? She just cheered.
Izzie: Someone's not being very bridey.
Cristina: I am not a bride. I am a surgeon.
Meredith: Don't tease the caged animal.
Izzie: You're not excited? I'm excited. I love weddings. Weddings are all about hope and the future.

Sam: Ow.
Addison: Idiot. You divorced Naomi?
Sam: Look, just mind your own business, ok...ouch.
Addison: Moron. She is my best friend.
Sam: Stop hitting me on top of my head.
Addison: Did you cheat? Did...
Sam: Ok, two things I learned way back in kindergarten...one, keep your hands to yourself, two, he who smelt it dealt it.
Addison: That makes no sense.
Sam: Yeah. Well...you cheated. You cheated on your husband with his best friend. There. Smelt it, dealt
it...it works.
Addison: You're using fart logic.

Paul: I guess I'm just not very sexual.
Kathy: He's having an affair. He's not in love with me anymore.
Paul: That's not true, honey. I love you. I love you so much. I...I want to do it. I just want to want to do it.
Violet: Ok, Paul, I'm gonna give you some homework for next session.
Paul: Homework?
Violet: Have sex with your wife.
Kathy: Yay!
Paul: Well, but...
Violet: No matter what. Whether you're in the mood or not, have sex. Do it in the bed, do it on the kitchen floor. Do you have a pool?
Paul: Yes.
Violet: Okay, do it in the pool. Have sex. No pressure, no judgment, no expectations. Have sex. Just...do it.

Mark: What's in L.A.?
Derek: What?
Mark: For Addison. Any idea...what she might be doing there?
Derek: Naomi and Sam are down there, I guess. I don't know. You all right?
Mark: We were gonna try. We were gonna make a go of it... as a couple. She bet me I couldn't go 60 days without having sex.
Derek: Oh. Let me guess. You couldn't do it.
Mark: No, she couldn't. She didn't want to be with me. I thought she did. I thought she might. But she didn't. And I caught her. You know...
Derek: Sleeping with somebody else? Oh, that must have been so hard for you. Not that I can't relate.
Mark: So I told her I did it.
Derek: You told her you did it?
Mark: I told her I lost the bet. I told her I slept with someone. I figured if she didn't want to be with
me, she shouldn't have to feel guilty about it.
Derek: Selfless. That's...out of character.
Mark: Yeah. Anyway, uh... I was just wondering if you knew what was in L.A.
Derek: No.

Addison: I have the great guy. I don't have a baby because I'm focusing on my career. And then I have the other guy. I don't have his baby because he's not the great guy. And now I don't have the great guy or the other guy, and I'm finally ready to have a baby, and I can't. That is so... exactly what my life is. Exactly what my life is.
Naomi: I'm so sorry. I know how much you wanted this.
Addison: It's okay. I just, um... I just didn't realize I was out of time, that's all.

Is that your identity?

$500,000 at stake. 12 strangers and 12 identities. You match them correctly, and you're $500,000 richer.

The game is called Identity. Hosted by Penn Jillette, an Emmy-Award winning comedian-magician, this new game show is something different from the others. You have 12 strangers, from all walks of life, standing on a platform in front of you. You are then given 12 identities, and for each turn, you need to match the correct stranger with the correct identity. With each correct guesses, your price money increases as you solve each stranger's identity.

The ranges of identities are quite wide, it varies from a sumo wrestler, WWE Diva, preacher's son, preschool teacher, nuclear physicist, kidney donor, blackjack dealer, belly dancer, sciencetologist, cage fighter, bull rider and so on. There are also celebrities strangers, so it helps if you know them. Some of them are Stan Lee, Frank Stallone, Tony Hawk, Joe Maloof, Jordan Knight and also sportsmen Bruce Jenner, Ray Crockett and James Douglas. Of course, some of the identities are a no brainer, such as the sumo wrestler, where you can straightaway identify the correct stranger. They will normally give you 2 or 3 easy ones, while the rest can be quite challenging and confusing.

You are also given 3 helps during the game. You have mistaken identity, where you can make one mistake during the show, and you can still keep your winning money and continue playing. However, once you've made another wrong guess, you'll lose all your money and the game ends. There is also the tri-dentity, where you choose an identity and the number of strangers to choose from is narrowed down to three. And the last help is ask the expert, where a panel of three experts consisting of a body language expert, a psychologist and an FBI behavioural expert, will give their opinion on a chosen identity. Of all these three, I found that only the mistaken identity is helpful, the rest doesn't help much. But that doesn't mean that it's impossible to win the game.

So far, more than one contestant have solved all 12 identities and win $500,000. Of course, most of them would prefer to keep their winnings, instead of risking all the money for nothing. Therefore you get a lot of them stopping halfway, after exhausting all their helps, and not wanting to take the risk.

All and all, the game show is fun to watch, as you tend to make your own guesses from home. Like any other game show, it's fun to watch the contestants sweating it out and making the wrong guesses. It would be interesting if they adapt the show over here in Malaysia, then maybe I'll volunteer as one of the strangers. My identity - The Loser. A no brainer? Probably not!

(Identity airs every Monday and Tuesday at 7pm on NTV7, your feel good channel)

Game set match

It has always amazed me how this petite 5-foot-6 inch wonder can beat taller and stronger players in the tour. But then again, you have to remember that Martina Hingis is short and petite too, although she has a nicer figure (often referred as the Swiss Alps, not her, but some part of her body), and she hung on the top spot for years before her injuries forced her into retirement. Of course, she is back now, but the fire and determination that used to burn in her has diminished a bit. She still hangs in the top 20, but to add another Slam to her 5 Slams collection (she has another 8 in doubles), it would take more than a miracle for it to happen. Her break-up with fellow player Radek Stepanek could be the first step towards inching herself up the ranks, since he has always been a distraction for her.

Back to Justine, she won this year's US Open in style, demolishing Svetlana in straight set in less than an hour. The victory also ensured the world's No. 1 would finish the championship without having dropped a set, a feat that included victories over both Serena and Venus Williams. She now is a proud winner of 7 slams, and has been on top on the world ranking for as long as I can remember now. Forget about the other pretenders (namely Maria Sharapova), they way she is playing right now, she will be on top for years to come.

She also won the French Open this year, beating Ana Ivanovic in straight sets and only dropping 3 games, while not dropping a single set en route the finals. It was a pity she lost to 18th seeded Marion Bartoli in the Wimbledon semifinals, else she could have wrapped that title under her belt if she beats Venus in the finals. She skipped the Australian Open this year, having to go through a bad separation with her husband at that time. But she persevered, and put her personal problems behind her, as she raised herself and her playing level and distanced herself from the other competitors. Just how good has she been this year? She won a tour-leading seven titles while going 50-4 at 11 tournaments.

"This one is maybe the most important one. The quality I played in the last few matches has been amazing, and it's a great feeling, because I had a tough draw," said Henin, also winner in 2003. "I had a lot of things to prove to myself. Not to anyone else, but to myself. And I did it."

"When I was a little girl, I was dreaming of winning just one Grand Slam in my career, and I've won seven," Henin said. "It's still hard to believe."

Interlude (1)

I see a shell of a man, who was destined for greatness.

I see a shell of a man, who was destined for happiness.

I see a shell of a man, who is empty. Devoid of all feelings, and emotions.

Where is that desire? Where is that will and passion that used to burn brightly and fiercely?

Extinguished. By false hopes. By false dawn.

When all that existed is the night.

And a long and lonely darkness.

Ardyana

Once upon a time, I was in a long distance relationship. Actually, that was my first real relationship.

My first real love.

It lasted for a year.

Then she dumped me for another man, a friend of mine, who was always there by her side, while I was across the globe, thousands of miles away, thinking and dreaming about her.

And missing her all the same.

I still keep all her letters. Two boxes full of them. Hidden safely in my wardrobe at home. The letters are a reminder to me of my first sweet love, innocent and carefree, true and loyal (on my part).

I can still remember the morning she called, and asked for a break. And all I thought at that time was she was asking me out for breakfast! How wrong I was!

Life was never the same again after that. I never had proper closure, I never met her again. I never laid my eyes on her again eversince our first encounter. I never had the chance to tell her how broken and wrecked I was.

And I lived with that regret in my life. And the burden of an unrequited love, casting a dark shadow upon my life.

She is married now, of that I knew. And I have let her go, the grains of love in my hourglass has dried. Yet, I could not stop myself thinking about her sometimes, thinking about what might have been, and what might have happened, if we were never apart.

Probably nothing. If it was not meant to be, it was not meant to be.

Desire

Quotes from this week's episode:

Meredith: [narrating] As interns we know what we want...to become surgeons. And will do anything to get there... Suffer through killer exams, endure 100-hour weeks, stand for hours on end operating rooms. You name it we'll do it. The tough part though is reconciling this huge thing we want, to be surgeons, with everything else we want.

Celeste: It's not what you think. I mean it is...it's...it's just not an affair. Though I guess, technically it is. We're in love. The kind of love you think you're never gonna find and then you do and the fact that he's married seems a small price to pay for being happy, you know? At least most of the time but then five years go by and he still hasn't left his wife...you must think I'm a terrible person.
Addison and George: No, no, no.
Addison: No judgment whatsoever.
Celeste: I mean, I know, I should leave him, it's just...do you have any idea how rare it is to find someone you can work and play with. And we love each other. How wrong can it be?

Bailey: I know, I said you could use the day to study but we've got an all hands on deck situation.
Cristina: A bad car accident?
Meredith: Multiple gunshot wounds?
Bailey: A penis, Chairman of the board's penis.
Meredith: What's wrong with it?
Bailey: His testicles have swollen which is the understatement of the year.
Cristina: Fantastic how much? No, don't tell me. Let it be a surprise.
Bailey: Look, you and Grey can take him for his ultrasound and his x-rays.
Cristina: The VI Penis.

Callie: Right. So how's your man whore? Miraculously reformed?
Addison: For now. He's never going to turn into what I want.
Callie: Which is.
Addison: The whole thing. I want someone stable who barbeques and teaches little kids how to play catch. And is not Mark Sloan. Which doesn't explain why I've spent the entire day looking at Alex Karev like a puppy and a chew toy.
Callie: Why don't you just go there already?
Addison: Because! He doesn't barbeque either. Plus, he's like twelve years old and can fit all of his belongings in a milk crate.
Callie: I don't know. Guys like Karev...at least you know, he'll never lie to you. Guys like him, they mess around in their twenties but then they, you know, pack it in and teach their kids to play catch.
Addison: Maybe. I need to stop thinking about both of them.

Meredith: Talk about divine retribution.
Izzie: What?
Meredith: He sleeps with his assistant and a carnivorous fish lodges itself in his penis. That's instant karma if I've ever seen it.
Cristina: Yeah, well Derek wasn't struck by lightning and neither were you.
Meredith: Addison showed up. I had months of pain and self-loathing, Crazy ranting mother and a near drowning off the side of a dock. I mean, it's not fish in my hoo-hoo but it's certainly not an easy ride.
Cristina: Yeah, well, I've cheated on my boyfriends and I'm fine. Am I the only one?

George: What's your problem?
Izzie: My problem...is you. You're my penis fish.
George: Your what?
Izzie: You've crawled in and latched on and now I can't move or talk or think or even pee without the nagging feeling that something is eating through my organs.
George: You don't even have a penis. How am I the fish?
Izzie: It's a metaphor, George.
George: What happened to us being fine?
Izzie: I don't know. Maybe we're not.

Alex: It's always a nice bonus when the patient doesn't die.
Jane Doe: You and red make a pretty good team.
Alex: Don't tell Sloan.
Jane Doe: Oh, she and Sloan aren't happening. She wants you.
Alex: How do you know that?
Jane Doe: I know everything remember. Heard her talking to the ortho doc about how she wants someone who barbeques and plays catch. She wants someone who's committed.
Alex: Yeah, well, that's not me.
Jane Doe: I hate to tell you this, but it is. You may talk tough but you're a decent guy, Alex. Whether you want to admit it or not, you're actually one of the good ones.

George: Mrs. Jennings, your husband's out of surgery. Everything went very well.
Nancy: Oh...oh thank you. Thank you. That's...that's wonderful. The doctor will be down to fill you in soon. Dr. O'Malley, do me a favor. Could you go tell Celeste? She's a basket case and I just don't have it in me to take care of my husband's girlfriend right now. (George looks shocked) Of course I know. The wife always knows.

Addison: Mark, we need to um...we should go get a drink...and maybe talk. Do you have some time? I just...something's always wrong...with you and me.
Mark: You don't wanna have a drink with me. I'm not what you're looking for.
Addison: What are you talking about?
Mark: I slept with someone, couldn't hold out. Once a man-whore, always a man-whore, right?

Meredith: [narrating] To often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken; it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be...the people who suffer the most...are those who don't know what they want.

When nature calls

It's good to be away sometimes. Away from the crazy roads with colourful cars bustling on it. Away from the hectic demands of work. Away from TV (oh no!) and the comfort of a soft big bed. And away from all the troubles that's been plaguing my mind for the past few weeks.

And what better place to be away at if not the deep jungles of Taman Negara. I've been there numerous times, sometimes with a group of friends, sometimes alone. It feels like I'm going home everytime I'm there. The place never seems to change. It's like time stood still over there. The rivers are the same, the floating restaurants are still there, the leeches still plentiful and always hungry and eager to latch themselves to unsuspected trekkers. And the prices for most of the stuffs over there, they never change. The food still costs the same at the floating restaurants, and the entry permit is still RM1.

The drive from KL took around 5 hours, and we drove up to the river. The other option was to board the 2 hours boat ride from Kuala Tembeling, but driving is more convenient nowadays, because the road heading to Kuala Tahan has been tarred nicely. There is only one resort on the park, the rest are across the river. The river crossing (which only takes a minute) costs RM1 (it used to be 50 cents, but I guess the hike in gasoline price effected this too).

We spent some time at the resort. The original plan was to go for the canopy walkway, without realizing that on Friday the walkway closed at 12.30pm. Having scrapped that, we hiked up Bukit Terasik, for a breathtaking view at the end of the hour-long hike. After a big dinner at one of the floating restaurant, we geared up and started to trek to our first stop - Bumbun Tabing. Bumbun Tabing is one of the many elevated animal viewing post in the park. We trekked around nightfall, and I have always love night trek. There is so many things to observe, even in the dark. The dark jungle seems to come alive at night, and my senses are also heighten. The trek took us 2 hours, and the animal hide wasn't that bad. There were bed bunks and a toilet (although the condition was so bad). We spent the night there, while keeping an eye for animals coming to the river for a drink at night.

The next morning, we continued our trek to Lata Berkoh, which was 5.5km away. It took us a bloody 4 hours, bloody because we were attacked by leeches along the way. The wet ground was perfect for the leeches to hunt, and they were out in full force. Nobody was sparred, and we were left nursing our wounds when we reached the campsite.

After setting up camp, we headed to the river, and right at that moment, all the worries in the world vanished from our minds. The deep pool was so inviting that we jumped into it and swam around. The water was cold and the rock was warm, and we lazed around for hours before heading back just because it was getting dark. That was the best part of the trip, I have to say.

It was good to spent the night in the wilderness. Luck was on our side because the weather was perfect, eventhough rain clouds were threatening menacingly above, no rain followed. We woke up to a sunny morning, and after breakfast, we headed back to the park.

Of all the places I've been to, Taman Negara has always been one of my favourites. One thing for sure, this will not be my last trip there. Next year, I'm planning a whole week hike, to conquer Mount Tahan.

Feel free to tag along.