Lost

I have always wondered, what is it that I am searching for in my life?

When I was younger, all I wanted was money, so that I can buy all those nice toys and chocolates and sweets. I was obsessed with possessing plenty of toys. I wanted all those little army guys in green so that I can build my own army and conquer the world. I wanted all those nice trucks and vehicles, and also the guns and knives and even dolls. Yeah, barbie dolls especially, so that I can take their clothes off.

So I cheated, stole and lied. Anything to get me those toys. I didn't know why I do all that. Don't ask me why. Up to this day I'm still wondering why I did what I did. Maybe in a sick way, I was sick. I had psychological problem. That makes sense, I guess.

All that changed when I started to go to school. I still wanted money, but this time around, I worked my way around for it. I did chores, helped a few teachers, started my own small business selling tidbits and stuffs to my schoolmates, and invested in stocks. Well, okay, I didn't invested in stocks, but I wish I had done that. Unfortunately, I didn't get rich doing all that, although getting rich was not my aim. I didn't know why I do all that. Don't ask me why. Up to this day, I'm still wondering why I did what I did. Maybe I wanted to be independent, maybe I wanted more money. The weird thing is, I can't even remember what I used the money for. One thing for sure, I didn't invest them into stocks.

After school was even worse. That was the time when I was totally clueless about my life. No directions, no goals. So I drifted around, making bad decisions that effected my life, and making mistakes after mistakes. Sometimes making the same mistakes twice. And over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Nowadays. money was never the objective. I don't care about it that much anymore. Of course, I would love to earn more, but I'm not obsessed about it anymore. I found myself easily contented. I have grown into a typical slob. Sit me in front of the TV, feed me some junk food, and I'm happy. The couch has my ass mark written all over it. I'm still clueless about what I want.

In life, you need to have directions. You need to know where you are heading. You need to know how to get to where you are heading. They always say it's the journey that matters, not the destination. But what if you don't even have a destination. You're walking through your life, a journey on your own, with no destinations. So you're basically just walking around in circles. And in the end, you don't get what you want, and to where you want to go, because you just don't know.

Of course, it would be a whole lot easier if you can fly. Then you can go anywhere you want, in any directions, without the hassle of following a particular path. A road less traveled, that would be the deep blue skies. But unfortunately, I have yet to grow wings, nor invented any rocket-jet backpack.

But, when you're feel like you're done, and the darkness has won, and your world comes crashing down, and you can't bear the thought, you are not alone. Because I am there with you.

And we'll get lost together.