It's raining tears

Things are never as they appear to be.

Once you learn to accept that, your life should be a whole lot happier.

The problem with caring too much, is you bound to get hurt. Badly. And there's always a limit to how much hurt one heart can take. Until finally, you stop caring anymore.

And the moment you stop caring, that's the moment when you stop hurting. But the problem is, you'll end up hurting others.

But you don't care anymore, remember?

It's like the rain that keeps coming everyday. It will come as it pleases, with a slow drizzle or a heavy downpour. It will wreck havoc if it wishes too, with flash floods and loud thunderstorms. And every now and then, the wind will howl with the rain, creating the sound of life. And you pause for a moment, appreciating the slow dance of the raindrops on your windscreen. And for the briefest of moment, you remember the pain that you felt a long time ago, and how you grew from it. For the tiniest of moment, you start caring again for the world, for other beings.

And then the thunder strikes, and it jolts you from your moment.

The rain will always come.

Just as the pain will always stay.

It's too late to apologize

They have been friends for more than 7 years. The best of friends. He was always there for her, and she for him. He was there when she went through a bad relationship and felt depressed after her break up for a year. And she was there when his mother passed away and left a void in his life.

Their friends thought there was something going on between them. It's impossible, they said, for two people of the opposite sex to be so close together and not having a relationship. But he always insisted that they were like brothers and sisters. Nothing more than that. If there was anything going on between them, they really hid it well.

Of course, there were always moments where things might just happened between them. Like the time a few years back when they went for a trip together to an island, and they were caught in the heat of the moment, walking down the beach and enjoying the warm breeze from the sea. He glanced at her and thought she never looked so beautiful, and she was thinking in her mind what would it feel like to taste his lips. And their lips brushed that day, but they both withdrawn at the same time, blushing overly red and bumbling over apologies.

And there was the time when she came over to his bachelor's pad, and he was clad in his towel when he opened the door, and she thought he looked so sexy and hot, and she leaned towards him just to get a whiff of his odour.

And now, he was dating her best friend. She was okay with it at first, but after a while, she noticed the things that she miss by not telling him how she really felt. Like how he always whisper secretly to his girlfriend, and how he always squeezed his girlfriend's shoulder when she was feeling down.

And when he told her that he was going to propose to his girlfriend, she knew that this was the time. She had to tell him, she had to let him know. And she did.

He didn't say anything to her after her confession. Instead, he walked away. The week after, he and his girlfriend parted ways, because he told the girlfriend about what happened, and she, being a good friend to the girl, asked for the break. He was devastated, for he really loved her.

He was confused. He had always like the girl, always loved her, but not in the capacity of what she wanted. Is he going to lose the two girls that he really cared about, his true love and his best friend?

Things will never be the same again. He knew that. And she knew it too. Somehow, whatever they had before, was broken. And as he explained it to her, he saw her tears flowed freely down her cheeks.

"It is but a shadow and a thought that you love. I cannot give you what you seek."

When I fall in love

When was the last time you fall in love? You feel weak on your knees, you have butterflies in your stomach, your throat feel so dry and you can barely construct a sentence without blubbering. All you can do is gaze and stare, and you feel like your heart is going to explode, but at the same time, it is beating so slow that you could barely feel it.

And you know, at that precise moment, that you are in love.

I’m not saying that is how we should fall in love. There are many types of love; friendship love, security love, romantic love and unconditional love, to name a few. Friendship love is a love between yourself and someone that is totally honest, open and comfortable. You can share everything with that someone, and feel comfortable talking and sharing even your deepest secret with that person.

Security love is more like a bond between parents and their children. It is a nurturing and caring kind of love, where we thrive on in order to be happy. It is also a love between human and God, which can also be, the ultimate love of all.

Romantic love can be love at first sight, someone you are attracted to because of the person physical appearance. Sometimes you can feel a certain connection with that person. But most of the time, it is also associated with lust.

Then there is unconditional love, a sincere love that last forever. When nothing else matter, as long as the other person is happy and safe.

But how do you know when you really fall in love, and not lust? For starters, lust is a temporary emotion, you like someone based on the person physical appearance. You might find that as soon as you get to know them for their personality, you are no longer interested in them. Lust is also not enough to sustain a long-lasting relationship. Most of the time, the relationship just fizzles away once you get past the infatuation stage.

Then comes the next question, what is true love? Does it even exist? And do you even dare believing in it? True love is rare. True love is a part of unconditional love, and also romantic love. True love is what sustains a relationship through eternity. But how do you know when true love comes knocking on your heart?

Let me tell you how I know. For me, it involves intimacy, passion and commitment. I feel strongly about her, strong enough to miss her when she is not around but respect her enough to let her pursue her own goals and interests. I care about her well-being and want the best for her, even if it means that I may have to sacrifice some of my time with her. And I should be able to get angry or disappointed with her without it ever changing how I feel about her.I also know that I’m interested in her both physically and mentally. I don't think it is enough, for example, to love someone because the person is nice. There are a lot of nice people in the world, so it should be more than that. They need to possess many different qualities that you enjoy and admire.

Yes, I do believe in true love. And yes, I am in love.

If only I have the courage to tell her how I feel.

Burning the bridge

Time seems to crawl when you are waiting for the day to end. Especially when things aren’t going so smoothly at work. There are too many things happening at once, and the influxes of news, most of them bad, are not really helping at all. Where will all these lead?

Most probably nowhere, but worse come to worse, it might be the sign that I’ve been waiting for all this while. If that is the case, then decisions need to be made, and choices need to be considered. Knowing me, it will be a struggle for me, being someone who hates changes and new routines.

But that doesn’t mean that I can sit on my butt and hope for things to work out by themselves. Maybe this is for the better. Maybe this time the grass will really be greener on the other side. Maybe this time a change of scenery might benefit me in the long run. But I need to make the first step.

And making the first step is always the hardest part.

The deafening silence

Could it be, that I have forgotten how to write? Or am I just plain lazy? Whatever the reasons are, it's been too long, too long even for my own liking. The lack of activity, the lack of updates, it feels like I'm walking through a ghost town. Come to think of it, it feels like I'm here. But I'm not dead yet.

I am still alive.

Now, the real reason for the long silence is I was away on a long-deserved vacation. After years of slaving and saving, I finally have enough cash to go abroad and enjoy the different types of bread along the road. It helps when everyone can fly nowadays, although the seats on the new airbus could have been designed better, leather or no leather. Luckily I wasn't on one of those long haul flights, mine lasted barely 2 hours, not even enough for a proper nap.

I have always believed that you can go anywhere, and have the best of times, as long as you go with the right group of friends. The ones that share the same interests, passions and do not mind the occasional patch of bad luck along the way. Heck, you can probably have fun in hell if you're with the right company, literally speaking. And I am blessed to have such friends. Thus, the awesome trip.

Of course, after being away from work for such a long period of time, it is expected to come back with triple amount of work waiting at my desk. Luckily there are other distractions, else I would have gone crazy in no time. Still, it's going to be a busy and hectic December for me.

Let's hope I'll have enough energy to last me through the month.

Bad day

Have you ever woke up one day and felt that today will be the longest day of your life? You wake up in the morning, and you have such a heavy feeling in your heart. And you know that it's going to be a long day. You look into the mirror, but all you see is a reflection of a face you do not recognise. And you feel like going back to sleep, just lie down in bed for the whole day, so that you can wake up tomorrow to a new morning.

Where is the moment we need at the most

You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

They tell me your blue skies fade to grey

They tell me your passion's gone away

And I don't need no carryin' on

But you need to work, so you drag yourself to the office. And things do not get better over there either, your work is piling up, your boss is not in a good mood, your reports are due, and your customers are screaming at you.

And it's only 10 o'clock in the morning.

You stand in the line just to hit a new low

You're faking a smile with the coffee to go

You tell me your life's been way off line

You're falling to pieces everytime

And I don't need no carryin' on

The only thing that goes in your mind at that moment is to get through the day. Everything will be better tomorrow. Everything has to be better tomorrow. But you just need to get by today. So you shut out all your emotions, and work like a zombie, feelingless and careless. But your face might look like a zombie, yet you know you can't lie to yourself.

You cannot run from the feeling. Nor can you hide from it.

To get to tomorrow, you need to go through the hurt and pain.

I'm doing just that right now.

Today, is the longest day of my life.

Book of revelation

Sometimes, we got confused and disorientated with the things that happened around us. It might leave us feeling helpless, and rendered us incapable of making a decision. We can't think straight, and all our options seem limited.

So we sleep over it, with hopes that we'll wake up as a different person, in a different world. But that never happens, and we'll still wake up being ourselves, facing the same problems.

It is very important to identify the feelings involved when faced with a problem. Most of the time, we are at lost because we are unsure of how we feel about a particular situation. A feeling of apprehensive and anxiety will exist, but apart from that, there are many other feelings that surfaced at the same time. The ability to know and acknowledge these feelings is very important, because it is the first step towards recovery.

I never dealt with my problems properly back then because I was never alert with what my real feelings were. When I was unceremoniously dumped in my previous relationship, I let myself wallow in self-pity, and let my emotions got the better of me. For a very long time, I went through life feeling dazed and confused, and being unhappy with life. I shut myself out, hid away from the world, and stopped seeing other people. I spent most of my time sleeping, hoping that it was all an elaborate dream. I turned myself into a social outcast, believing that I did not deserve the best of life, knowing that whatever I did will never bring me happiness.

Ever again.

Boy, was I wrong, big time! I have never been so wrong in my life. But this time, I let myself aged a hundred years before realizing that life never screws you up. Life never spits you out and leaves you in the ditch. Life never abandons you and let you rot alone in an unmarked grave.

You did all that to yourself. And only you can undo the damages.

But to do so, you need to know your own feelings. You need to be able to empathize with yourself. You need to go through the hurt and pain head on, and embrace it to your bosom. You have to face the truth, and endure the backlash. And finally, when you realized the enormity of the situation, you will finally understand.

And you will never be the same anymore. Because you have evolved. From a mere mortal, to an immortal. You have attained the secret to happiness. And you hold the key to life's greatest mystery.

But most of all, you will be happy.

Coyote beauty

"My life sucks," he started to talk.

I was sitting in the gym and getting a breather while eyeing the hot ladies in the studio doing the coyote dance, when he sat next to me and started to talk.

"I don't have a girlfriend, I don't have any friends. I don't have anyone I can talk to," he continued.

Irritated, I shifted my eyes from the sexy hot instructor who was wearing a very short miniskirt that everytime she moved her white panties became visible, to the stranger sitting next to me.

He was small-sized, shorter than me and very thin. He had a common face, with a set of weird looking ears, and a sorry bunch of hair, which was all over his head, scraggy and unkept.

"Can you tell me where I can find a girlfriend?" He asked me when he noticed that I had my eyes on him.

"There would be a good place to start," I told him while pointing to the studio.

I turned my gaze back at the hot instructor, who was now jumping up and down and revealing more of her panties.

"But I don't know how to approach them. You see, my last relationship was 5 years ago. I'm 33 now, and I feel so old already. I just want a healthy relationship. I just want to get married. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I don't know why people, especially girls, don't like me. Is there something wrong with me?" He added.

He kept on talking about his predicament and bad luck, while I kept my eyes on the instructor, who was now shaking her body and moving her hips seductively. Truth to be told, I wasn't really paying attention to the guy next to me. For all I know, he might be talking to himself. He might be imagining that he was having a conversation with me. My 5 minutes breather turned to a 30 minutes breather. The hot instructor was really an eye candy, and it was hard to tear my gaze from her (body).

I suddenly noticed that the guy has been silent for quite some time now. Upon checking, I noticed that his eyes were fixed on the instructor too. I grinned broadly, and just about then, the classes ended and the ladies started streaming out of the studio.

I instinctively grabbed the guy and shoved him into the studio. We were now face to face with the instructor, she turned and gave us a big smile.

"Anything I can do for you gentlemen?" She asked.

"Yes, can we hit the showers together?" I asked. Okay, I didn't say that out loud, what I said was, "can we join your next session? I noticed there were only ladies in your class, except for that one guy who really looked like a girl wearing a tank top and all, but that didn't count I guess".

"Oh, you can scrub my back, and we can do naughty stuffs together in the shower," I imagined she said. Instead, she replied, "Of course! It would be great to have a few guys in my class".

"Right, we'll see you next week then." I winked at her on my way out. She then slapped my butt, commenting on how firm it is and how she would love to see more of it next week. Or so I imagined.

While all this was happening, the guy just stood there with his mouth wide open, and I had to dragged him out.

"I'll see you next week, and we'll see about getting you a girlfriend from there," I told him, and left to continue my workout.

But the instructor, now she is my personal goal.

The burden of sins

"I'm getting tired, Ardy," she told me.

"It feels like I've been doing this forever, when all I want to do is stop. But I keep going back, keep doing it," she continued.

"It must be frustrating for you, having to go through the same feelings, over and over again," I told her.

"Yes! I just don't know what to do!"

I don't meet her that often. But everytime we met, we'll be talking about the same thing, going through her dilemma, and deciding on her next course of action. But it never materializes, and she's always back where she started.

I first met her 3 years ago. At that time, she was at the lowest point of her life. She was seeking a way out. She even considered ending her life. She talked about it with me, and I sat there, accepting her as she was, and listened to her as she poured out her anguish and misery.

Slowly, like a poison seeping out, she told me everything. She was lost, and lonely. She just wanted someone to talk to. Someone to understand, and someone to accept her.

When she was studying in one of the local university, she stayed with her brother and his wife. Being new to KL, she was fascinated and excited about a lot of things. But things turned bad when her sister-in-law got pregnant. Her brother, being deprived of his usual routine, turned to her, and seduced and forced himself onto her.

She was afraid. Frightened and ashamed. But after a while, she started to enjoy it. And the affair excites her. They would do it late at night, when he would sneak into her room while his unsuspected wife was sound asleep.

After a while, she got addicted to it. She started to ply herself in the real world. She was young, and her body was blossoming. She had curves at the right places, and she knew how to flaunt them. Men went wild for her. But she was selective, very selective, and only chose those who pay her well. In time, she became rich and self-dependent.

Her brother, upon knowing about it, felt betrayed. She moved out and rent her own place, being able to afford it now. And her discreet tryst continued, sometimes with rich married men looking for excitement in their life, sometimes with men she found attractive. But somehow, she's getting tired of it, of everything. She just wants a normal life, she just wants someone who can love her as she loves him.

"Is there still hope for me? Or am I too deep that I'm beyond help?"

She always asked me the same question. And I always told her, even after all these years, that there is always hope to those who are still hopeful, second chance for those who really wish for it. She is still young, and she still has her whole life ahead of her. It is never too late to repent, to start anew, and to turn a new leaf.

"Everybody deserves a second chance," I would tell her.

And she would listen to me, and she would nod her head, and before we parted, she would smile and hug me.

"Thank you, Ardy. Thank you for believing in me, and thank you for being my friend," she would whisper in my ear.

And I would smile, and watch her as she walked away. I pray to God that He will give her the strength to change. And maybe, just maybe, the next time we meet, she will tell me a different story.